Jessica Biel is so Beautiful It’s Ruining Her Life

So much has been made in this country of those who struggle that sometimes the most beautiful victims are the ones who fall through the cracks. Take, for instance, the sad, sad case of Jessica Biel, who this month told Allure magazine that all she wants is the chance to get the parts she wants in Hollywood.

When asked if it’s her good looks which are hurting her chances at a more high-caliber stardom, Biel responded “It really is a problem…I have to be blunt.”

Apparently starring turns in such massive and memorable blockbuster hits as Stealth and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry just aren’t satisfying enough for the too-beautiful Biel, who longs for better parts. And here, all this time I’ve been going around telling people “That Jessica Biel is really on her way. Did you see her in Summer Catch? A true talent.” Thanks for proving me wrong.

I can, in many ways, sympathize with Biel’s plight. I, too, long for the warmth and human connection that a gift bag worth thousands in products that I receive for just attending the Oscars can’t provide. The checkout girl at Best Buy the other day was too busy being entranced by my handsomeness to even be able to tell me my credit card had been declined. And I can barely go anywhere these days without being swarmed by all the people clamoring not to take photographs of me. 

Perhaps some day you’ll free yourself from the shackles, Jessica. Until then, as you work on the upcoming animated sci-fi flick Planet 51, you’ll just have to shut your eyes tightly and pretend that The Rock is Dustin Hoffman, and just deal with it. No one ever said it’s going to be easy.

Link: Jessica Biel in Allure: My Beauty “Really is a Problem” (Huffington Post)