Taylor Swift, Meet Your Future Self
Today, dear readers, we’re going to exercise our imaginations. To begin, let’s imagine country music’s lil darlin’ herself Taylor Swift . Now…stay with me here…let’s imagine her doing a rap record. With golf-cart-driver extrordinaire T-Pain nonetheless. Imagine that she’s even given herself the moniker “T-Sweezy”. Focus on the feeling you’ve got in the pit of your gut–you know the one. It’s kind of like what you feel after a 2am binge at Taco Bell. Hold on to that feeling–embrace it–because little did you know that this little nightmare scenario has actually come to pass.
That’s right boys and girls, T-Sweezy’s in the house and in full effect. And for those of you who watched the CMT awards this week and laughed it up at the “tongue-in-cheek” portrayal of your little princess, I’ve got three words: Jump. The. Shark. Ya girl did it this week. Yep, Taylor Swift fans, it’ll never get any better than this. Now begins the steady decline that comes after you take your own fame too seriously. Get ready to star in your very own late-night infomercial baby!
For those of you deranged enough to want to see just where our little Ms. Swift is headed, look no further than the current saga of one Courtney Love. Remember the woman that rode the coattails of Kurt Cobain’s death right through Grammy wins and multi-platinum albums all the way to drug overdoses, multiple arrests, and Ryan Adams hating? It seems that Ms. Love has decided that it’s time to return to earth through a secret multi-dimensional portal and finally destroy all vestiges of life as we know it. The vehicle through which the total annhilation of the earth will be accomplished? A reunion (of sorts) of Love’s 90′s band Hole. The only problem is that Love is the only original member of the band participating.
Aw yeah, just when you thought your reruns of “120 Minutes” couldn’t get any more nostalgic, enter the 2009 version of Hole, ready to take its special brand of train wreck to venues all across the country. Love’s extensive plastic surgery adventures over the last 10 years give new meaning to the line “I am doll parts” and I’m sure that she and the band-that-wasn’t-a-band-when-that-song-was-first-recorded will find fame once again. Or maybe not. But ladies and gents, keep this moment in mind when you see the T-Sweezy and T-Pain reunion tour gear up in 2024–remember I told ya!
Just like paper covers rock, Greg Dulli covers Prince
Many of you will recognize Greg Dulli from the 90′s alternative rock band Afghan Whigs. Personally, I prefer his work as the front-man for the Twilight Singers. Or maybe you like his work with Screaming Trees’ Mark Lanegan as the Gutter Twins? No matter your preference, there’s no denying that Dulli is an indie-rock force to be reckoned with. And now, he’s teamed up with a star so bright she’ll burn your corneas. You guessed it: Apollonia.
And what, pray tell, are these two monumental talents working together on? They’re covering “When Doves Cry” for the Purple Rain cover album that celebrates the 25th anniversary of the movie that made small men on big motorcycles cool. The album, sponsored by Spin magazine, will be called Purplish Rain and will feature such heavy hitters as Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings and Of Montreal. No word yet on how many times Appolonia had to purify herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka before she could work on the album.
Artists You Probably Don’t Know About But Should
Finally, I know many of you out there are saying “Caleb, it’s almost summertime. I need some jams!” Further, I know that you don’t want just any old jams, but the kind of jams that will set you apart from the crowd. You want the musical equivelant of Axe body spray without the unsightly rashes that break out underneath…uh maybe that’s just me.
Without further ado, let me introduce you to the immortal King Khan. This Montreal rocker is probably best known for his work with his band the Shrines. King Khan and the Shrines play a mix of 60′s style psychadelic rock and 70′s soul that is both infectious and danceable. Khan is known for his outlandish stage antics which typically involve stripping down to his Speedos then donning a cape and a funky headdress for most of the show. Lately, King Khan has been touring with his pal BBQ, also known as Mark Sultan, and most recently these two hooked up with the Black Lips to form the band with one of the greatest names in rock history: The Almighty Defenders.
Pick up the album The Supreme Genius of King Khan and the Shrines, which is somewhat of a “Greatest Hits” record. I promise you, playing this record at your next pool party will not only make you popular, it will improve your memory, cure acne, remove warts, and most importantly you’ll become instantly irresistable to members of the opposite sex. Don’t believe me? Ask this guy.
