Introducing the Hip New Celebrity Fad: Death

Being alive is for squares, baby.

The past two weeks have been undeniably sad ones for the entertainment community — which saw the deaths of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, pitchman Billy Mays and Vegas impressionist Fred Travelena. Truly a very tragic week for Hollywood’s own. And as special network programming and news outlets pay tribute to the recently deceased, there’s a new hotness in Hollywood. You ain’t nothin’ if you ain’t dead. Or at least perceived to be so.

As we reported in this morning’s Index, a tragic tale that actor Jeff Goldblum had fallen from a New Zealand cliff to his death began making the rounds on the same day as Michael Jackson’s demise. Shortly thereafter, the nation heard tell that Harrison Ford died after his yacht had caught fire during a storm.

Sad, no? The problem was, however, that both Ford and Goldblum were alive and well. That didn’t stop the rumors from spreading like wildfire. Soon afterward, the internet exploded with stories of celebrity death – next came Natalie Portman, who, strangely enough, also fell off a cliff. The day got even sadder when George Clooney was involved in a Rocky Mountains plane crash. 

Not to be outdone, Britney Spears’ Twitter account announced that the singer had passed. Miley Cyrus, who felt the need to take her place as the rightful heir to Brit’s throne, promptly died in an automobile accident. Bruce Willis and Ellen DeGeneres, seemingly with nothing better to do, also expired, and this morning Rick Astley decided to show up dead in a hotel room. All lies.

While death hoaxes are nothing new in the Hollywood gossip machine — Mariah Carey, Eminem, Will Ferrell and Paul Rubens have all survived them — it does seem to be an especially morbid thing for pranksters to lock on to. After all, the aforementioned list has a body count rivaling a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.

Even post-mortem, it would appear that Michael Jackson is still setting trends. And surely, these stars can’t be too upset about the fact that their names got some airtime somewhere over the weekend. No publicity is bad publicity. It’s just a shame that they won’t be alive to see it. Or maybe they will. I guess it’s true what they say in Hollywood: “Dying’s easy. Comedy’s hard.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to put this website on the map by “tripping and falling into an active volcano during a recent visit to the South Pacific.” Spread the word. And don’t worry about me — it’ll only hurt for a little bit.