I Now Know More About Former MTV VJs Than Any Human Should

In keeping with my pledge to be a lifelong learner, I just read this article to get myself up to speed on the whereabouts of 18 former MTV VJs. Among many others, here are five things I now know about this privileged population.

1. I must have stopped watching MTV a long time ago. I’ve never heard of seven of these people. Should be eight, but you don’t easily miss such a towering cultural presence as Gideon Yago.

2. Speaking of the Yago-Bomb, he says he wishes he’d “punched Puff Daddy in the c___ for turning ‘Choose or Lose’ into ‘Vote or Die.’”

Come on, Gideon. You and Puff Daddy are both still living, aren’t you? It’s not too late to get revenge by putting your fist where his co__ is. At least, I assume you’re talking about his c0__ and not any other c-word.

3. I hate to say it, but Nina Blackwood was kind of a scary-looking woman. So was Riki Rachtman.

4. Satellite radio is where VJs from the 80′s go to die.

5. One of those 80′s alums, Alan Hunter, says he might be “making love to a brown paper sack in the gutter” these days, if not for MTV.

That’s one of the weirdest things anyone has ever said. Ever. EVER.

This just in: there’s still no word on when MTV will begin filming Season 2 of Hunter’s dating contest series Gutter of Love. But we now know that the locations of open, national auditions for the 12 sack finalists will be announced later this month.

The Season 1 winner of Gutter of Love, a brown paper sack, has words of warning for Season 2’s eventual winner. “Be careful, honey,” the sack says. “After I won, I thought I’d have it all. But no, he used me and tossed me aside like a brown paper sack. What a co__.”