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Things That Should Not Be: Aspray

September 2, 2009

Imagine a chemical-free, fragrance-free, hypoallergenic deodorant spray.  Now keep imagining, because there’s no way Aspray: The All Natural, All Over spray deodorant can be real.  You’ll agree, after viewing this infomercial, that this product has to be a joke.  It certainly has become one, but it was made in all seriousness, with profit in mind.

Made by another manic pitchman, Adam Jay Geisinger, Aspray annihilates odors anywhere on the body, “even your privates!”  This infomercial is the first time I’ve ever heard the word “privates” used to sell something.  The commercial puts its money where its mouth is, though, when it shows a dude Aspraying his jizzunk and a woman spritzing her dirtypillows and hoohah.  It also shows you how necessary a colorless, fragranceless, residueless deodorant spray is by highlighting an apparent brain-injury victim for whom a previously mindless task (applying deodorant without covering one half of her body in white residue) has suddenly become ridiculously difficult.

But don’t take it from nameless sprayer drones and disembodied torsos: contractor Lanny F. says “I got odors in special places.”  At first Lanny doesn’t say what those places are, leaving it to the viewer’s imagination.  (This is dangerous, because my imagination is a dark place that even Aspray can’t reach.)  A few seconds later, though, Lanny clarifies: “mmm…my…my butt.”

No fragrance, no chemicals (difficult to do, since most things in the world—even natural stuff—are made of “chemicals”): how does Aspray do it?  By decimating odor-causing bacteria, Aspray “literally stops odors before they start!”  (At least Geisinger uses “literally” correctly, though I don’t know how that sentence could be interpreted any other way but literally.)  Some sweet summer-intern-created computer graphics show an androgynous silver humanoid standing on a Tron-like grid, noxious green gases spewing from orifices and crevices like solar flares, but Aspray magically puts the smack-down on all stank.

Best of all, Aspray is made in the U.S.A.!  Did you hear that?  It’s not “best of all” that it works, or that it’s easy to use, or that it somehow goes “where other deodorants can’t,” but that there’s a manufacturing facility here in America now making this stuff.  And in twice the quantity, if you order now!

More Things That Should Not Be:

The Privacy Scarf
Motorized Ice Cream Cone

Underwater Cell Phone
Textees
The Snuggie for Dogs

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