Levi Johnston Has Earned Every Bit of Fame He’s Received, and the Sooner You Accept That, the Sooner You and I Can Be Friends
Ah, Hollywood, where the most talented among us go to receive their respective fames and fortunes.
Everyone in Hollywood, make no mistake about it, deserves to be there. Everyone has earned his or her right to tons of swag, free clothes, fancy parties and ludicrous paychecks. I’m very serious. No matter how important you think you are, you will pale in comparison to anyone who’s made it to Hollywood. Don’t even try to act that you’re as good as any single one of these people.
Oh, you want proof? Sure, no problem. How about Levi Johnston, the young man who made former candidate for Vice President Sarah Palin’s daughter pregnant? Long before his almost-mother-in-law was Going Rogue in a New York Times best seller, Johnston was going rogue as a father, badmouthing the conservative clan and branching out to fulfill his Tinseltown dreams of being an actor.
Listen, if you’re going to keep sneering, this conversation is over. Levi Johnston wrote for Vanity Fair. Did you write for Vanity Fair? I don’t think so. Also, Levi Johnston has a lucrative deal promoting pistachio nuts in which he mocks the fact that he didn’t wear a condom and has a child. Pow! You wouldn’t have even thought of that — in fact, instead of mocking your own non-protection, you’re probably caring for your own stupid baby right now, sucker.
Levi Johnston is writing a book, thank you very much, and has a movie deal too. Do you? Didn’t think so. He also has a a twitter account with lots of hilarious bon mots, like: “If I get a car ? what should I get ? i kinda like those little electric smart cars, i wonder if’ll blow up if i fart really loud.” Just try to stop laughing, Judy Jealousy (that’s your new name).
Nick Hornby, who is a great novelist, and Ben Folds, who is a great musician, collaborated to write a song about Levi Johnston, called “Levi Johnston’s Blues.” I’m willing to bet that neither Nick Hornby nor Ben Folds have ever written a song about you, unless it was a song called “I [You] Will Never Be Famous.” Advantage Johnston.
Guess what else? Levi Johnston’s posing for Playgirl magazine. Did anyone ask you to pose for Playgirl magazine? Bam. Burnt. People probably think you’re ugly. Not like Levi Johnston — he’s working out six days a week. You just don’t even understand his dedication.
So go ahead and act like one of those people who’s better than people you see on TV. But those people have worked for their livings, okay? And while you may go to your stupid job every day, and do it, and demand things like “health care” and “vacation days,” Levi Johnston deserves more. Because the man has talent you’ll never understand. You probably went and got some regular woman pregnant. Is her mom even famous? What a loser you are.
So you can swallow your bitterness, “Average Joe,” until you go and associate yourself with someone who happens to become famous, then totally wash your hands of them and trade on their names to carve out your own place in the spotlight. Dreams do come true, if you believe in yourself.
Levi Johnston is a star. You’ll see. You’ll all see. Because Hollywood’s all about talent.
But I wouldn’t expect a nobody like you to understand that.