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Things That Should Not Be: Motorized Ice Cream Cone

October 25, 2009

At its inception, TBTS’ “Things That Should Not Be” was meant to be a long-running column that highlights ridiculous and/or useless consumer items.  The products featured would solve a problem so non-problematic that no one would miss it; or the items solved a problem in such an insane, roundabout manner that Rube Goldberg would reanimate and demand royalties.  I did not expect to find what could be the “Things That Should Not Be”-est product in the fourth appearance of this column, but the Lord works in mysterious ways.

A motorized ice cream cone.  I don’t even know what to say about this.  This has to have been conceived as a joke, and maybe its wider distribution was supposed to be a joke.  Maybe the inventor thought, “You know, this is the most useless piece of shit I could possibly imagine besides pet rocks, but people might buy some as gag gifts.  Maybe I can make enough money to buy a Lincoln.”  Someone took this seriously enough, though, to get it on The Today Show.  In retrospect, this is the perfect venue: take an offensively useless product and place it on one of the more vapid, substanceless morning shows, hosted by seemingly perpetually-bombed Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford.  Check out the video: Hoda looks mesmerized, bemused, and confused at this creation, like she and Kathie Lee said, “Screw it!  This morning we’re scrapping the 3 mimosa breakfast and going for 6.  And we want Bloody Marys, too.”

(Note 1: I love any culture or language that has the balls to end a name or word with “tb”.  Also, if you put “Hoda Kotb” into wordsmith.org’s anagram generator, it says “No anagrams found.”  Creepy.)

Ice cream is awesome.  So much so that Reagan proclaimed July “National Ice Cream Month.”  People actually scream for ice cream.  So it shouldn’t be a frigging chore to eat it, and you shouldn’t consume it from a motorized spinning cone unless you are physically unable to eat it any other way.  If it’s that inconvenient and you simply won’t eat it without the Popeil No-Hands Tongue Protruder, give me your portion and I’ll eat it.  (Unless it’s Bubblegum.  Seriously, keep bubblegum out of ice cream.  Nothing good can come of it.)  A person should not have to be cajoled into snacking on a delicious flavored dairy treat, crammed full of chocolate-covered pretzel bits and maybe some crushed nuts with ribbons of thick fudge and caramel, nestled in a chocolate-covered waffle cone with tiny peanut-butter flavored sprinkles and maybe just a hint of cinnamon on the

Sorry.  Where was I?  A person should not have to be cajoled into eating ice cream, and it pisses me off that someone would even consider that.  It’s like having a friend who has to be stroked and prodded into going to a kick-ass party by being told, “No, you look fine, you look great!  It’s going to be a lot of fun and—no, I already told you that Jeff/Jessie is not going to be there…”  (Note 2:  Leave this person at home.  He or she will sulk the entire time in a corner with arms folded and make a scene about wanting to leave just as you’re making headway with the party hottie.)  It’s like someone walking by and saying, “I’m the child of a millionaire and I feel guilty about not earning the money I have.  Here’s a thousand bucks,” and then you saying, “Thanks, but could you put it in my pocket for me?  I don’t feel like lifting my hands to take your money.”

Bottom line: if you’re too lazy to rotate your hand (you don’t even have to move your tongue laterally—just extend/retract) to eat heavenly ice cream, you don’t deserve ice cream, and if I see you with it in a motorized cone I will take it from you and berate you publicly.  You will not be able to catch me in your Jazzy Scooter.

More Things That Should Not Be:

Textees
The Privacy Scarf
Underwater Cell Phone
Aspray
The Snuggie for Dogs

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