I Came Here to Do Two Things: Drink Some Beer and Give Some Thanks. Looks Like We’re Out of Beer.

There’s a lot to be thankful for this year, so here’s my top ten:

1. Thank you, cocaine, for getting Charlie Sheen so high. Somewhere, Andy Dick thanks you too (And misses you. Call him—please!).
2. Thank you, Golden Corral Buffet, for helping Bristol Palin maintain the caloric intake necessary to compete in a dance competition and grow that second chin.
3. Thank you, Kentucky Head Stomper, for giving the Commonwealth positive attention and the next state fair- circuit-country band their name.
4. Thank you, Mel Gibson, for keeping crazy alive. And respectable. And racist.
5. Thank you, poison ivy, for providing cover for all the chronic, public masturbaters out there.
6. Thank you, Big Boi, for the new album. It helps me recreate that scene from Office Space on my daily commute.
7. Thank you, Tiger Woods, for somehow making golf a sleazy game, one where “balls,” “holes,” and “shafts,” can no longer be uttered with a straight face.
8. Thank you, Pope Benedict XVI, for giving the world permission to use condoms. Bless this cock!
9. Thank you, color orange, for sponsoring the new season of Jersey Shore and John Boehner’s ascension to power.
10. Thank you, plastic, for ensuring that Heidi Montag (or is it Pratt? Or Montag-Pratt?), or at least some part of her, will live forever.

But on a serious note—huge and heartfelt thanks go to:

1. Chris and Matt for letting me poison the culture through my TBTS rants;
2. all of the TBTS writers who bring it with each and every post, keep me inspired, and keep me coming back for more;
3. all of our readers—you guys rock(!);
4. my wife, for putting up with my bullshit and managing to still love me;
5. my daughter—one day she will stumble across my old TBTS posts and realize what a true freak her dad is/was.