Link: Anderson Interview (Huffington Post)

Jameson, Jenna – The former adult film queen was arrested last week for drunk driving after she crashed into a lamppost.  It doesn’t just happen to porn stars folks, so beware: you get a few in you and end up on a pole again.

Link: Jameson DUI (Daily Mail)

McConaughey, Matthew – Critics are talking about the actor’s dual showing at Cannes in The Paperboy and Mud, two highly acclaimed films.  They shouldn’t be surprised, though, since McConaughey thought he was being asked to attend the “Can Swill Festival” and said, “hells yeah.  Twice!”

Link: McConaughey Double-Header (Lubbock Online)

Smith, Gavin – The Fox executive missing for almost a month was reportedly recently spotted with “a tall woman at Taco Temple” on Highway 1.  No joke needed here.  I’m just glad that a missing person was found at a place called Taco Temple that happens to be on Highway 1.

Link: Smith Spotted (NY Daily News)

Allegedly got in a slap fight with Rob Kardashian. Please let there be video.

Songz, Trey – The singer of “Love Faces,” which I hope you have not heard, allegedly slapped—yes, slapped—Rob Kardashian when their entourages occupied the same VIP section of London club Movida.  Unfortunately, neither was injured.

Link: Songz-Kardashian Slap Fight (VH1)

Tetris – Given Battleship and Asteroids and Ouija Board and all the other movies being made out of your childhood diversions, you could be forgiven for thinking that Tetris is a real film.  On second thought, give it some time.  It probably will be.  Check out the trailer below.

Link: Tetris Trailer (Huffington Post)

I’m not a comic book fan. I didn’t know anything about these characters before watching the movies. All I knew of Iron Man was that Ozzy Osbourne had a song named after him, and all I knew of the Hulk was the cheesy 80s television show that I never actually watched. But, I have seen Iron Man and Iron Man 2, Thor, and Captain America, thanks to my über-geek husband, so I knew what was what going into The Avengers. As a non-fan watching a film created by and for the fanboys, I was actually quite impressed; I don’t think it could have been any more perfect. Spoilers below…

What they got right:

1. As a non-fan who has only seen the other four movies featuring these characters/actors, I needed some background on why this group of people were being brought together, by whom, and for what purpose. The Avengers does a great job of bringing you up to speed. You get a little character introduction and history, but Joss Whedon was counting on the audience having seen the other four films first, so he doesn’t spend a lot of time there. The best part is seeing how the characters interact and face each situation. That tells the audience way more about each of them than any dialogue could.

2. There was no forced love story between Black Widow and Hawkeye, even though they clearly have a history and a deep connection. So many film makers would have thrown in a romantic component “for the ladies,” and I love that Joss Whedon never went there. We rarely get to see on-screen examples of a man and woman having a purely platonic but nonetheless very powerful connection, and it’s great to see it here. There very easily could be a romantic relationship between the two (I don’t know the canon, so I don’t know what goes on between them), but there was no hint of that in the film. And it was really refreshing.

3.The Avengers is really, really funny. It’s not unusual for an action movie to throw in some clever dialogue to lighten the mood, but The Avengers is pretty funny throughout the whole film. Much of that is owed to Tony Stark, played impeccably by Robert Downey, Jr., as being the clever, snarky one is kind of his thing. But the other characters hold their own, especially Thor, who delivers one of the best lines in the film.

What they got wrong:

It’s really hard for me to think of anything about this movie that could be improved (maybe more Loki? Tom Hiddleston is hot!). If pressed, I guess I would say that I was not a fan of Agent Coulson dying. That’s kind of becoming Joss’s “thing.” I get why he had to do it, but… I mean… damn. Couldn’t you find another way, Joss?

My verdict:

Are you kidding? Every single person should watch this movie!

Blazonczyk, Eddie 

Link: “Polka King” Dies at 70 (HuffPo)

DiCaprio, Leonardo — The National Enquirer reports that for the actor’s upcoming film, all starlets choosing to audition for roles must “come in wearing sexy clothes that show off their bodies” and anyone screentesting with DiCaprio must do so fully nude. Sure, that works for Mr. Big-Time Hotshot, but my Craigslist ad — offering the same thing — still has yet to yield any results.

Link: Leo DiCaprio has Definitely Figured Out this Whole Fame Thing (Celebslam)

Gatsby, The Great — Speaking of Leonardo DiCaprio, the first trailer for Baz Luhrmann’s ornate and big-budget 3-D screen adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby has finally hit the internet, featuring music by Kanye West and Jack White. I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t wait to see how Luhrmann handles the scene where Daisy and Gatsby escape on the chopper under a hail of bullets to the tune of Chris Brown’s “Turn the Music Up.”

Link: The Great Gatsby Trailer (People)

Lynn, Loretta — Although it’s believed — as recorded in country foremother Loretta Lynn’s famed book Coal Miner’s Daughter – that Lynn married longtime husband Oliver “Mooney” Lynn at age thirteen, new reports and official county records have come to light proving that the singer was indeed fifteen years old at the time of her nuptials. Whew, thank goodness this scandal has been cleared up. I think we can all agree it’s been weird, all this time, thinking that she was a mere fifth grader. Thank God she was a seventh grader.

Link: Report Says Lynn Was All of 15, Not 13, When She Married (NY Times)

Mayer, John — Guitar-strumming crooner John Mayer recently told late-night talk show host Jimmy Fallon that he recently wooed a lucky lady by singing a page from the kinky pop-culture phenomenon 50 Shades of Grey to her. Hold on. He’s using creepy, weird tactics to hook up with women? Hey everybody, John Mayer’s back!

Link: John mayer Used “50 Shades of Grey” to Impress a Woman (IMDB)

Snooki — The Jersey Shore star, who is currently a mother-to-be, has announced that she will not be a part of the show’s upcoming sixth season, with sources saying she’d rather not be surrounded by the boisterous roomies while in that delicate state. We now have the secret, America, and I think we all know what we have to do now: someone needs to get the Situation pregnant.

Link: Snooki – “I’m Evicting Myself from Jersey Shore House” (TMZ)

Ugly Americans is about Mark Lilly, a social worker in an alternate-universe New York where vampires, demons, zombies, and creatures of all sorts are commonplace. Mark is dedicated if a little harried. His co-worker is a 400-year-old wizard named Leonard who drinks on the job and not much else. Mark’s roommate, Randall, became a zombie in order to win the affection of a girl who later turned him down for a warlock. Randall is now unemployed and promiscuous, with very few limitations on what he’s willing to do to get laid, and who or what he’s willing to do it with. Callie is Mark’s half-demon girlfriend (and supervisor) with terrifying mood swings and a dangerous sex drive. Other characters include Twayne Boneraper, the demonic bureaucrat in charge of Mark’s department, and Frank Grimes, an overzealous immigration cop with a keen hatred of non-humans.

The animation style of Ugly Americans is relatively lo-fi, somewhere between The Simpsons and Family Guy (perhaps unsurprising since it was developed for Comedy Central by David M. Stern, who was a writer on The Simpsons for 10 years). Locations are re-used in a very traditional sitcom style and characters are voiced by only a handful of actors. Most of the plots center around Mark having to deal with a case that has some kind of special difficulty integrating with human society. Thus the show is able to engage in relevant social commentary while still having werewolves and talking fish-people. Granted, the commentary never goes too deep; most of the time it’s jokes about prejudice and/or sexuality, sometimes both. I would favorably compare the tone of Ugly Americans to that of Futurama, whose zany, futuristic setting doesn’t hamper its ability to make clever jokes that are relevant to present-day audiences. A first-season episode entitled “Treegasm” was about two tree-creatures whose mating ritual becomes a huge event, exploited as entertainment by the city’s residents and news media. This episode’s sub-plot concerned Randall’s penis, which had become sentient and decided to run away as punishment for Randall’s unscrupulous libido. Another episode spoofed the Twilight “teenaged vampires in love” thing while having Mark combat an illness called “Mad Larry Disease” an affliction which turns its victims into clones of Larry King.

I’ll admit that I’m only on the 6th episode of Ugly Americans, but I’ve certainly been impressed so far. It’s not a gut-laugh-a-thon like Archer or early Family Guy, and it doesn’t quite have the heart of The Simpsons at their peak. I still recommend it unreservedly. It’s a funny cartoon with an amusing premise and some clever insights into the human condition.

With vampires.

And dick jokes.

Fountain’s literary career has been relatively short but remarkable. He has only one other book, the excellent story collection Brief Encounters with Che Guevara, but he has won the PEN/Hemingway Award, two Pushcart Prizes, an O. Henry prize, and a number of other awards. Once an attorney in Dallas, Fountain turned to fiction in pursuit of a dream. It’s fair to say he caught it. His hard work in pursuit of his craft comes through on every page. He’s an arresting stylist – throughout both Billy Lynn and Brief Encounters I found myself stopping to underline his deft phrasing and unexpectedly apt images. He can deliver short, powerful chops and he can go on long, dizzying runs with equal virtuosity. At first, maybe fifty, seventy-five pages into Billy Lynn – I hadn’t yet read Brief Encounters, or I’d probably have figured this out earlier - I thought Fountain promising, but by the time I finished I realized to call him that would be a clumsy understatement. Everywhere I turn in this book, I see the marks of a writer who has wasted no chance to perfect his craft and to hone his powers of observation to a finer edge than most writers could even approach. This isn’t potential, it’s mastery. To read Billy Lynn is to witness promise fulfilled.

Surprisingly, Fountain is not himself a veteran, but his portrayal of the Bravos is pitch-perfect, rich, deep, and often hilariously profane. For such a funny book – and you can’t miss the sharpness of Fountain’s sense of humor – its humor is applied with a surgeon’s care, cutting exactly where it needs to and nowhere else. This is not some gonzo send-up, nor is it even strictly a satire. This is, instead, a careful examination of how we live, how we fight, and who we are today. Billy Lynn revels in uncovering absurdities wherever it finds them, but it also sobers you, provokes you, makes you think deeper about who we have become and why. By the time you reach the jaw-dropping halftime show itself, one of the best payoffs I’ve seen in ages, you will be in stitches and you might also need them. Karl Marlantes calls it “the Catch-22 of the Iraq War”, and he’s neither wrong nor hyperbolic. I’ll reach back a bit further and say this: Mark Twain would have loved this book.

Link: Bono’s Big Bank (MTV)

City 2, Sin – Director Robert Rodriguez has set a release date of 10/14/13 for his Sin City sequel, which will officially be called Frank Miller’s Sin City: A Dame To Kill For.  A close second was Sin City: Jessica Alba’s Gyrations in Leather.

Link: Sin City Sequel (THR)

Halen, Van – Several of the classic rock band’s summer tour dates have been postponed without explanation.  This means you may have to wait a little longer not to go see them.

Link: Halen Hold-Up (EW)

Smith, Will – A Ukrainian reporter got a backhand for attempting to kiss Smith during a Men In Black III promo event in Russia.  The reporter explained that due to a translation error, he thought Smith was The Get-Fresh Prince.

Link: Smith Whomps A Fool (TMZ)

Strippers, Celebrity – Huffington Post lists several male celebrities who have “tried” stripping.  My guess is they “tried” stripping the same way you “try” being an escort or “try” cocaine.

Link: Celeb Strippers (Huffington Post)

Seriously, you should see it. There’s probably a video on the internet somewhere.

Talents, Celebrity – In more celebrity stuff, Celebuzz has a list of celebrities with little-known talents.  Did you know that Justin Bieber once solved a Rubik’s cube in 84 seconds, or that Kristen Stewart is a talented juggler?  Also, we hear that Kim Kardashian can make an entire butternut squash disappear without using her hands.

Link: Celebrity Talents (Celebuzz)

The Lucky One is the latest from the Nicholas Sparks tearjerker factory. It tells the story of Logan (Zac Efron), who’s stationed in Iraq and is saved from death-by-explosion when he stops to pick up a discarded photo lying in the street. The photo is of Beth (Taylor Schilling), and he vows to find his human good luck charm. Once Logan returns home, he finds “normal life” at his sister’s home to be a little overwhelming, so he sets out on his quest to track down Beth. He walks (walks!) from Colorado to Louisiana, where he finds Beth and her grandmother (Blythe Danner) running a dog kennel. He tries to explain himself to Beth but she mistakes him for a job-seeker, and through grandma’s intervention, he begins working for her. The relationship is rocky at first; he keeps to himself, she doesn’t like him. But of course they end up together. I won’t spoil the how.

The Lucky One is not one of the better films of this genre. I’d rank it below Dear John, and it can’t even compare to The Notebook. It did have its moments, but overall, I think the bad outweighs the good.

The pros:
1. The soundtrack – This movie has a surprisingly great soundtrack. Featuring artists such as Brandi Carlisle, A Fine Frenzy, and Mayfield, it’s full of romantic, slightly twangy ballads without being too cutesy or sweet. I can see myself spinning this on a summer road trip.

2. Shirtless Zac Efron – You get to see about five minutes of this.

The cons:
1. Taylor Schilling – Whoever was in charge of casting should be driven out of Hollywood. Efron and Danner were solid choices, and even the Podunk cop ex-husband was pretty solidly cast. But Taylor Schilling is no Rachel McAdams. Or even an Amanda Seyfried. I appreciate that they probably wanted a fresh face (and Schilling has done a whole lotta nothing), but what comes with being a fresh face is also apparently a lack of acting ability. She’s pretty enough for the role, though she looks older than the character’s age of 26, but the role is too big for her. She’s supporting-cast-good, not leading-lady-good. And pitted against Efron and Danner, she just looks weak. Bad move.

2. The walking – Logan’s “thing” in this movie is walking. He doesn’t own a car, so he walks everywhere. He walks to clear his head. He walks to pass the time. And in the beginning of the movie, HE WALKS FROM COLORADO TO LOUISIANA! That is a lot of walking, and what is it supposed to show? Are we meant to read some deep character traits into the walking? Is it supposed to tell us something important about Logan? If so, I missed it, because I was too busy laughing at him walking all over the place.

3. The montages – The montage is a common movie device and I don’t begrudge it when used sparingly and effectively. Sadly, neither is the case in this movie. There are five montages, FIVE! A montage of Logan doing all that walking, a montage of Logan working at the kennel, a montage of Logan and Beth starting to get along, a montage of Logan and Beth starting a relationship, and finally a montage of Logan bonding with Beth’s son. Do we really need all those montages? (Sidebar: after typing “montage” ten times in this paragraph, the word begins to look misspelled. Don’t you hate when that happens?)

4. Shirtless Zac Efron – You only get to see about five minutes of this.

My verdict: It’s worth seeing, but go with your lady friends. Your husband/boyfriend/whatever has done nothing to deserve having to sit through this.

Writer, Producer, Actor Whitney Cummings

I don’t, as a rule, jump on the hatewagon for sitcoms without giving them at least a few episodes to win me over. In fact, I can be very forgiving of a show’s peccadilloes once I get to know the characters and get a feel for what the writers are trying to accomplish. So, having watched a full season of Whitney and 2 Broke Girls, trust me when I say that one of them is actually a pretty good show. And it’s probably not the one you think.

Both shows were created by Whitney Cummings, who also writes for both, and of course is the titular character in Whitney. Whitney, the person, has also recently been offered her own talk show, which has sparked rumors of Whitney, the show’s, cancellation. These rumors are as yet unconfirmed, and I’m honestly glad for it.

Despite what the critics have been saying, I believe Whitney is by far the superior of Cummings’ two sitcoms. Both Whitney and 2 Broke Girls started as average shows trying to get their footing. In my humble opinion, as the season progressed, Whitney got better and 2 Broke Girls got worse. Much worse. Kat Dennings, the star of 2 Broke Girls, is both aesthetically and comically the only worthwhile thing about the show (if for no other reason than helping to usher in a relatively new archetype in female characters). But despite her best efforts the whole affair is just a mess: painfully unfunny, with one-note characters (many of whom are borderline racist), and one-liners the audience can see coming a mile away. The inclusion of a celebrity cameo (Martha Stewart in the season finale), a popular Hail Mary pass of shows that have run out of ideas, sealed the deal for me and these, ah… two broke girls. I’m breaking up with the show.

Whitney on the other hand, while not terribly original, is funny and topical and, surprisingly, often very sweet. Granted, most of the best gags come from her on-screen boyfriend Alex (Chris D’Elia*), who certainly isn’t above a little physical comedy**, but the show’s little ensemble cast have had some funny sitcom adventures. It’s clear that the cast has gotten more comfortable in their respective skins. As with any show, the audience is learning more about these characters and their pasts with each episode. Plots dealing with closeted homosexuality, divorce, workplace treachery, and “the Christmas spirit” have featured some very strong writing. But it’s the relationship between Whitney and Alex that drives the show. Their constant oneupsmanship in domestic spats is often a plot device, but once you get that this is their “thing,” it becomes more like the show’s signature.

I won’t defend Whitney against all criticism. It’s not perfect, and not always a home-run. It still feels like Cummings and the other writers are trying to find the show’s voice. But it certainly doesn’t deserve the vitriol often tossed at it by critics and audiences who watched maybe one episode. Regardless, it’s a damn sight better than 2 Broke Girls. Both shows appear to have been renewed for a second season, and I’m comfortable predicting a strong sophomore effort from Whitney; but 2 Broke Girls is off my watch list. I just can’t do it anymore.

___________

* D’Elia played a “cool” pedophile on a very funny episode of Workaholics.

** Seriously, you owe it to yourself to check out episode #5 wherein Whitney finds out that Alex never washes his favorite jeans, so she washes them for him. Watching him squirm and swagger his way around the apartment is worth every minute of your time. The bit starts about 7 minutes into the episode.

I watch a lot of SyFy Channel, mainly because they show some awesomely bad horror movies.  Often, they’re of the sub-genre “Large, Mutated, Alien, or Swarm of Tiny Creatures Eating People,” which I hold very dear.

Most people don’t understand my adoration of rotten horror, especially once I really get going about Night of the Lepus.  I’ll admit that it’s pretty difficult to explain a deep and abiding affection for this kind of trash.  I can put into words why I’m into chainsaws clotted with gore, and half-shark, half-octopus creatures eating chicks in tiny bikinis, but I can’t convey the emotion.  It’s impossible to bring someone over to this point of view.  You either love this stuff or you don’t.

So when SyFy Channel decided to air the show Monster Man, I was a bit excited.  The show features Cleve Hall, who’s been designing and building movie props for thirty years.  Not surprisingly, he specializes in monsters: the old-fashioned rubber and latex variety, with all the splatter-ific details that accompany them.  He’s done stuff for Warner Brothers, Paramount, DreamWorks, and Disney, as well as designing life-size demon armor for life-size cartoon character Gene Simmons.

While I’m not specifically a fan of Cleve Hall – as I am of  Tom Savini – I do adore all things monster.  I was looking forward to a show that highlights the talents of someone responsible for creating whole armies of creatures and Olympic-size pools of blood.

What I got, sadly, was another example of reality TV ruining whatever it comes into contact with.  Monster Man offers wonderful glimpses of behind-the-scenes work required to create fantastic effects, props, and critters.  It was amazing watching Mr. Hall detail how he engineers bloodshot eyeballs on a 50s era alien costume.  That kind of thing is why I tuned in.  But these snippets of real work were buried in the internecine strife that’s unavoidable in any business, especially one that caters to the high-dollar, high-stress world of Hollywood.  As unavoidable as these conflicts are, Monster Man‘s producers certainly had the option to focus more on the creative side, and less on the frequent shouting matches.  Mr. Hall also works with his ex-wife and two daughters, which only serves to heighten the ridiculous drama.

I didn’t learn a lot about making monsters.  I did learn where Mr. Hall’s daughter hides his laptop when she’s mad at him.  I also got to spend a frantic ten minutes watching his partner repeatedly call his cell phone and leave whining messages about a missed meeting.  During this time, Mr. Hall was relaxing at a local salon, getting his nails did, laughing at his partner’s urgency.

The problem with reality TV in general – and Monster Man specifically – is that it offers up staggering amounts of histrionics, but no real substance.  This is frustrating to people that care about the actual subject matter, but are wholly uninterested in watching low-level, pointless conflict.  The first time I encountered this was with the mixed martial arts show, The Ultimate Fighter.  I had long been a fan of the UFC and mixed martial arts, and, naturally, wanted to see what this show was all about.  Since it was an elimination-style reality program, there were constant alliance shifts, backstabbings, clumsy subterfuge, and hours of testosterone-fueled man drama.  Over time, the focus of the show – which was called The Ultimate FIGHTER –  moved from the actual fighting to the asinine goings-on in the communal house.

I can understand (but never support) why people watch New Jersey troglodytes try to punch the spray tans off each other, or spoiled housewives drunkenly slap-fighting the Botox out of each others’ lips.  There’s no underlying theme there; people tune in simply to watch insipid caricatures live their inconsequential lives.  The personalities on reality TV are often proudly ignorant and willfully retarded, and they engage in aggressively selfish behavior 24 hours a day.  There are some theories that suggest reality TV is so popular because the audience likes to see people who are demonstrably worse human beings than they are.  Maybe that’s part of it.  But I think it’s more because these people are larger than life in the midst of normal activities.  They’re not spies, or lawyers, or renegade cops, or teachers fighting the system; they’re just human cartoon characters who can’t perform any normal functions without shouting, fighting, or having sex.  A simple trip to the mailbox becomes a contest for Trashiest Damn Trash In The Trashy Damn Universe.

There’s not really any impetus to change the formula for reality TV.  Despite the obvious fact that it’s not reality and it’s the basest form of television entertainment, there’s no denying that it works.  Production values are low and a great deal of the generated revenue is pure profit.  Much like Soylent Green, as long as people keep eating it up, there’s no reason to mess with it.

I had hoped Monster Man would be different.  I thought the typical SyFy Channel fan would be more curious about how Crocasaurus was created than why Cleve Hall can’t be bothered to show up to business meetings.

At the end of it all, I’m wondering one thing:  will reality programming ever suffer erosion due to waning public interest, or will it continue its growth into a mountain range of stupidity?  As always, the smart money is on stupid.

Link: Disick Taunted (NY Post)

Kimye – Sources say that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are dating seriously and may be discussing marriage.  Industry insiders say that a Kim-Kanye union could last 2-3 Kardashians longer than her marriage to Kris Humphries.

Link: Kimye In the Works? (Us Magazine)

Manson, Marilyn – The goth-rocker says his new album Born Villain was partly inspired by the blame he received, rightly or wrongly, for the 1999 Columbine shootings.  “I think that I have had more blame accredited to me than any person in the history of music,” Manson said.  Depending on what the blame is for, though, Barry White might also have a claim to that title.

Link: Manson Most Blamed? (NME)

Perry, Katy – Over the July 4 holiday weekend, the flamboyant songstress will premiere her 3-D documentary Katy Perry: Part of Me.  Lots of dudes are pumped about the 3-D parts of her, since the film was supposedly originally named Motorboating: The Katy Perry 3-D Experience.

Link: Perry’s Film (L.A. Times)

May cause flu-like symptoms.

Rihanna – The “Disturbia” singer returned to the spotlight for the premiere of her movie Battleship after battling what she said was “the flu.”  After watching the film, moviegoers reported headaches, muscle pains from eye-rolling, and nausea, so maybe she was right.

Link: Rihanna Back for Debut (Daily Mail)

Situation, The – Jersey Shore cast member Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is being sued for $1 million by his former management company for breach of contract.  The company says Sorrentino did not give them the requisite 30-day notice to resolve problems when he terminated them for “lack of performance.”  It has to be really embarrassing to get fired by someone called The Situation for “lack of performance.”

Link: Sorrentino Sued (PopEater)