She's already proved that she's patriotic.

Barr, Roseanne – In a move that the Internet assures us is not a joke, comedienne Barr is seeking the presidential nomination for the Green Party.  Whatever her positions, she couldn’t seem any crazier than the current slate of presidential aspirants.

Link: Barr Going Green (HuffPo)

Impersonators, Celebrity – A scuffle broke out today on Hollywood Boulevard when a Catwoman impersonator pepper-sprayed a Jack Sparrow impersonator after she was harassed by an Ozzy Osbourne impersonator.  Had it been the real Ozzy, it probably wouldn’t have been the first time he had been sprayed while trying to eat kitty-butt.

Link: Churls Gone Wild (NBC)

King, Zalman – Director of such late-night, erotic, sneak-a-peek-while-the-parents-sleep cable hits such as 9 ½ Weeks, Wild Orchid, and Red Shoe Diaries died of cancer Friday at age 70.  It’s a wonder he kept it up for so long.

Link: King of Soft-Core Abdicates Life (EW)

Lambert, Adam – Saying that his remarks were taken out of context, the American Idol darling has tried to tamp down rumors that he will be touring with Queen.  Come on, guys.  This joke is just too easy.

Link: Lambert Replies (THR)

Letterman, David – Gen X wasn’t really old enough to appreciate Johnny Carson in his prime, so Letterman has been our late night stalwart.  And what a hilarious ride it has been.  Congratulations, Dave, and thank you for giving us 30 years of late night gold.

Link: Letterman at 30 (E! Online)

O’Donnell, Rosie – Several websites are reporting that funny-lady (?) Rosie O’Donnell has laid off staff of The Rosie Show due to poor ratings.  Funny, we thought she had laid off staff a long time ago.

Link: Rosie Retools (IMDB)

Shame is the story of Brandon (Fassbender), a 30-something, mid-level corporate guy who lives alone, keeps to himself, and battles a sexual addiction. One night stands, prostitutes, lad mags, internet porn… you name the outlet, he takes advantage of it. He plays one of the good ol’ boys at work, but otherwise keeps his private life private so as to better hide his addiction. His carefully constructed world begins to collapse when his sister, Sissy (Carey Mulligan), comes to stay.

Spoilers ahead.

Brandon arrives home one night to find Sissy in his apartment. At first thinking it’s an intruder, he grabs a baseball bat and barges into the bathroom only to find his naked sister in the shower. He yells at her for arriving unannounced, she complains about him never returning her phone calls. There is immediately a level of tension between them that lets the audience know their relationship is not an easy one. Their exchange lasts probably 5 minutes. Sissy is naked the entire time. It’s at that point the movie becomes weird and uncomfortable but you are too sucked in to look away.

Steve McQueen (no, not that Steve McQueen) is brilliant at conveying information and ideas about what’s happening onscreen without coming right out and saying it. He makes you feel the tension between Brandon and Sissy. He makes you feel how uncomfortable Brandon is having Sissy there. He makes you feel as if your life is also upset by her very presence. But thinking back, I can’t put my finger on how he manages to do this. It’s a feeling, an impression, an overall sense of what’s occurring. It’s like staring at the sun, then closing your eyes – you still see the afterimage, but when you try to focus, it fades away.

Brandon and Sissy’s background is never explained. There’s an off-hand mention of him being born in Ireland, and of them being raised in New Jersey, but we learn almost nothing about their family. There is a sense that their parents are no longer living, that the siblings grew up very close but have grown apart over the years, but I can’t recall any specific conversations or statements that would make me think that. It just feels that way.

It also seems as if there is something slightly sinister and possibly sexual hanging between Brandon and Sissy. He sees her naked in the shower, but he does not look away and she does not cover herself. She walks around his apartment in a sheer, flowy shirt with no bra underneath. She has sex with Brandon’s boss in Brandon’s bed while Brandon sits in the living room. They get into a fight while he’s wearing only a towel and the towel comes loose. She climbs into bed with him at night as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. If you didn’t know they were brother and sister, you would think they were estranged lovers.

Sissy is the only person who can make Brandon feel anything. Brandon’s enjoyment of sex is not a passionate or romantic one. It’s almost clinical. For him, ejaculation is like a compulsion, as necessary and natural as eating or breathing or pissing or sleeping. Masturbating in the shower at home and in the bathroom at work, watching porn online, hiring prostitutes, having sex with random women in dark alleys… there is no emotional release, only a physical one. But his relationship with his sister is very emotional. He tears up when he hears her sing, and the anger and hurt she stirs up in him is palpable.

For a movie ostensibly about sex, Shame is not remotely sexy. The movie leaves you feeling red and raw, as if you’ve been trying to scrub yourself clean for an hour and a half.

Despite its NC-17 rating, Shame has been an industry darling since its premier at the 68^th Venice Film Festival, and much has been written about Michael Fassbender’s Oscar snub. His portrayal of Brandon is open and honest and raw and vulnerable and infinitely compelling. There are scenes in which the camera focuses on Fassbender’s face as he stares into the distance, and it is absolutely captivating. Shame will make you squirm. It will make you feel uncomfortable and slightly dirty. You will walk out of the theater having experienced something truly profound and powerful, and I’m not just talking about seeing Fassbender’s enormous penis. This is truly Oscar-worthy material, and it’s a shame (natch) that the Academy didn’t recognize that.

Link: Paula Abdul Fired From “The X-Factor” Because She Was Too “Soft” (Chicago Sun-Times)

Cornelius, Don — Soul Train Creator and host Don Cornelius, known for his swagger and massive afro on the popular 70′s dance program, was found dead in his Los Angeles home Wednesday from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. It’s always very sad when someone from the arts community, especially someone as niche-building as Cornelius, passes away. Our thoughts go out to his family.

Link: Don Cornelius, “Soul Train” Creator, Is Dead (NY Times)

Nicolas Cage, left, poses with his wax figure (right)

Cage, Nicolas – The Ghost Rider himself, Nicolas Cage, was on-hand recently for the unveiling of his wax figure at the esteemed Musée Grévin museum in Paris over the weekend, which confused a great number of fans, media and paparazzi who were heretofore led to believe that Nicolas Cage’s performances in all of his films since 2005 were performed by a wax figure. OH SNAP! I went there.

Link: Nicolas Cage’s Wax Figure Not Thrilled to Meet Actual Nicolas Cage (Gawker)

Groupon — According to trade magazines, CBS has just green-lit a new television sitcom pilot entitled Friend Me which takes place in and around the offices of internet business and online fad Groupon. The good news is that, just like Groupon, if you can get as many people as you can not to watch it, it won’t stay on the air.

Link: CBS Just Picked Up a TV Pilot That Takes Place at Groupon (Business Insider)

Murray, Bill — Beloved comedian and actor Bill Murray made an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman on Tuesday to celebrate Dave’s thirty year anniversary as a late night talk show host (Murray was Letterman’s first guest in 1982), and arrived dressed in a New York Giants football uniform to kick field goals in the street with Letterman while Regis Philbin refereed. So what’s your excuse for not clicking on this link, again?

Link: Bill Murray Helps Letterman Celebrate 30 Years (USA Today)

Radcliffe, Daniel — The former Harry Potter star recently told reporters from something called Heat Magazine, when asked about his grooming preferences in females, that he likes they “have to have something down there, otherwise it’s f’ing creepy.” While this likely bears no weight on your day-to-day, dear readers, it does explain why Radcliffe allegedly and repeatedly bugged the wizard films’ directors to include a Potter character of his own creation, Furdonia Bushworthy-Nestington.

Link: Daniel Radcliffe Likes His Women to Have a Little Hair “Down There” (Starpulse)

I’m not sure what I was expecting when I started the book. Maybe some snarky, hilarious commentary on the state of race in allegedly post-racial America in the form of advice on how to be what you already are (presuming, of course, you are not some white dude from West Virginia trying to salve some nagging liberal guilt.) That’s there, of course, in the form of chapters with titles like “How To Be the Black Friend”, “How Speak For All Black People”, and even “How To Be the Angry Negro”, but interspersed with that is a winning, moving narrative about the author’s life, a serious commentary on where we are as a society and how we might make real progress toward one another.

Baratunde Thurston – the name, he says, is Nigerian and means “grandfather returns” or “one who is chosen,” and occasionally provokes backlash from real Nigerians who react as if he broke in and stole it – is a remarkable guy. He grew up in what he calls “the crack years” in Washington, DC, was raised by a single mother beneath massive paintings of an ankh and a Black Power fist, attended Sidwell Friends school and eventually Harvard. The guy does everything – works for The Onion, does stand-up comedy, goes everywhere as a public speaker, and is giving the opening keynote address at SXSW Interactive this year. (I dream of one day being even half that impressively busy.) For all that, he writes with a deft touch and a disarming humanity, weaving together a vivid picture of a life well lived, of opportunities seized and dangers avoided, of a brass ring firmly grasped.

  Of course, Thurston is funny, consistently so. Even the timing of its release – January 31, just in time for Black History Month, which he spends a fair bit of time on – is funny. He goes everywhere with this thing, and in so doing points up what people don’t even know they’re doing. In what is perhaps the funniest and best-written part of the book, Thurston talks about the perils of being black in an otherwise racially homogeneous workplace, capping it with a delightfully over-the-top take on what happens at the super-perilous workplace party with dancing, if you, The Black Employee, demonstrate that you happen to be exactly what a “steady media diet of well-choreographed dancing by black people” has led people to expect and stumble into what he calls a Soul Train Moment, then end up in a dance-off with some other random black guy and

Instinct takes over, and you square off. Pretty soon the two of you are engaged in an epic dance battle. You’re literally putting on a show at this point, and it covers the entire history of modern black dance. You jump between Lindy Hop, Cabbage Patch, Running Man, Samba, the Harlem Shuffle, the Robot, Beyonce’s Single Ladies dance, the Percolator, the Diddy Bop (which you hate!), the Moonwalk, Some New Thing You Two Just Made Up, and you’re actually teaching people how to Dougie! You are determined to defeat this Random Brother and prove that “These are my white people!”

   Eventually, Random Brother stands down. Meanwhile, your white people hoist you up on their shoulders, outdoing each other with praise for your astounding talent, satisfied that they know the Best Black Person Ever. You find your date and head home, exhausted and relieved that the ordeal is over.

   But it isn’t. Because now they know your secret, and they can never ever let you rest. You are destined to top your dance performance at every company holiday party for as long as you work at this company.

   Congratulations, and I’m sorry. You are The Black Employee.

  Assisting Thurston is a panel, named simply The Black Panel, of three black men, three black women, and one white guy – appropriately and perhaps inevitably Christian Lander of Stuff White People Like. The panel – quite the all-star collection of comedians, writers, and thinkers – contributes anecdotes and insights that keep you reading and laughing. Thurston turns to the panel to shed light on all facets of what it means to be black, or to not be black, both in America and outside it (one panelist, Derrick Ashong, is from Ghana and grew up on three different continents.) With them, Thurston produces a positive, progressive (but not blindly sunny) vision of what it means to be black today, and in the end, the reader is led to the conclusion that you can be black any way you want to be. What they produce is a sharp, intelligent, highly readable book worth picking up and sharing.

So in the end, maybe I am exactly who should read How To Be Black, because I freely admit I don’t precisely know where Baratunde Thurston is coming from. No, I don’t know what it means to grow up as an African-American, in Washington DC or anywhere. For that matter, I don’t know what it meant to grow up being one of the approximately five black kids in my elementary school. But now, the Great American Melting Pot (hey, remember that from Schoolhouse Rock?) has been taken off the burner and its ingredients have started to separate and congeal. We have self-segregated not just by race but also along class and ideological lines. America today has sorted itself into blocks not just of black and white but of red and blue, two Americas at least, and humor is the first, best way to break down what still divides us. Humor lets us talk honestly in ways we wouldn’t dare. As one of the panel members, the artist damali ayo (who is so much of an artist she needs no capitals, e.e. cummings style) said, “we are operating at this third-grade level of race relations … that goes, ‘Please like me, do please like me,’ versus ‘Can I understand’?” She’s right, of course, and it seems so completely obvious when you put it that way, yet so very hard to get from A to B in practice. How To Be Black is a valiant effort to get there, in the same way that Stuff White People Like can be (even if Christian Lander somehow still sees white Western culture as this beige monolith – dude, come to Appalachia! We have banjos! And we don’t make anyone squeal like pigs!) Whether you’re white, black, or anything else – if you’re a human being living anywhere, really – How To Be Black is a hilariously enlightening read.

When two subatomic particles love each other very much...

Helberg, Simon – Jocelyn Towne, the wife of the man who plays Howard Wolowitz, is expecting a baby in a couple months.  It is called the Big Bang Theory, after all.

Link: From Almost Nothing Came Something (People)

Jackson, Jesse – The noted civil rights activist is considering a protest of this year’s Grammy Awards because the Academy has cut the number of awards from 109 to 78.  Kudos to Jackson: if the award for Best Instrumental Latin Sludgecore Duo gets axed, I’ll march on wherever the Grammies are held.

Link: Jackson & The Grammies (THR)

Parker, Sarah Jessica – The movie Lovelace, about porn star Linda Lovelace (natch), has had its share of ups and downs.  Most recently, SJP was tapped to replace Demi Moore as Gloria Steinem.  Lovelace has just been blowing through performers, with no end in sight.

Link: SJP in Lovelace (Moviefone)

Portwood, Amber – The Teen Mom star will serve five years in prison on a drug charge unless she completes a rehabilitation program.  Portwood was initially arrested for possession, and failed to provide a urine sample while on probation.  She apparently had used up all her urine by pissing on anything that even resembles quality television programming.

Link: Teen Mom Busted (TMZ)

Rose, Amber – In a radio interview with Power 105.1, Rose lit into Kim Kardashian, whom she blames for her breakup with rapper Kanye West.  “[Kim] and her family manipulate the media,” said the person who has a nearly shaved head with dyed hair, is known almost solely for dating famous dudes, and showed up for a radio interview wearing sunglasses and a fuzzy helmet with horns.

Link: Rose Lights Up KiKi (Zap2It)

Spartacus – Fans will soon be treated to Starz show Spartacus’s second season, Spartacus: Vengeance, after the first season broke the network’s rating records with almost 6 million viewers an episode.  The new season will feature a…wait, 6 million?  Do you know a single person who watched that show?  Or Starz in general?

Link: New Spartacus (HuffPo)

After this article,

 “She is playing the part of the ‘spicy Latina’ for the Anglo masses.”

And after this Daily Beast article from just a couple of days ago,

 “She is very funny. And, yes, a little of her goes a long way.”

“Jesh She screams but she is foooony!”

“Yes, I agree she yells too much. I used to love the show, but now, it seems as of late I have to grab the remote and turn the audio down. Way too much screaming for my tastes. They’ve almost lost me for that reason!”

“You people are almost as funny as the show – the ENTIRE show is stereotypical, that’s why people like it…. That’s why it’s funny and that’s why it is a good show. It takes a good writing crew to get away with having an ultra-fem gay couple who adopt a an Asian girl who are for the most part likable idiots and not have the left chasing them in the dead of night with pitchforks and torches.”

In case you haven’t already guessed, the issue that’s been troubling me is that I like Modern Family quite a bit, but pretty much every time Sofia Vergara’s Gloria Pritchett character is on the screen, I want to throw something at my sound system to silence her torturous nails-on-chalkboard screeching.

With the show now its third season, Gloria’s voice has grown even more shrill, and her language has become even more mangled in that special Modern Family way that tries SO HARD to make her adorably dim. A couple of weeks ago, it reached a point where I was reminded of arguably the worst “comedic character with an annoyingly exaggerated voice” of our time, and I desperately wanted to be able to write a cogent comparison of Gloria Pritchett and, that’s right, Larry the Cable Guy.

[By the way, check out this video of the comedian Dan Whitney before he invented that walking regional slur of a character, Larry the Cable Guy. This evidence of the pandering, insulting artifice behind the character blows my mind every time.]

But however badly I initially wanted to do it, I just can’t make a fair comparison between “Gloria” and “Larry,” for the primary reason that there is obviously some degree of credibility at the heart of Sofia Vergara’s performances and Gloria Pritchett’s character traits. Plain and simple, Vergara is fit to portray a bilingual Latina woman because she is one herself. On the other hand, as evidenced by the video linked above, Dan Whitney is putting on a 100% fake verbal and visual costume every time he appears in public as Larry the Cable Guy.

I do think it’s clear from the following video, however, that Gloria Pritchett’s voice and her verbal tics are based on exaggerations of Sofia Vergara’s natural speaking voice.

Vergara admitted as much in a 2010 interview with Oprah, saying that she exaggerated her voice for comedic effect and that she had “realized that sometimes it was funnier to say “YOOOUHH” [rather] than “you.’”

OK, so Sofia Vergara “fakes it” sometimes, accent-wise, when she’s playing Gloria Pritchett. My initial reaction to that fact, and certainly to its manifestation in numerous Modern Family episodes, is deep annoyance. But since Vergara isn’t appropriating the idioms and speech patterns of any culture other than her own, the fair next question is, “What’s the harm?” And that’s where we have to turn to stereotypes in media portrayals.

As described in the two articles linked at the beginning of this piece, the more essential question about the Gloria Pritchett character is whether she’s the latest in a long line of culturally insensitive portrayals of Latinas in American media. I’m a Southern white guy who knows only marginal Spanglish and has never been to any Spanish-speaking country, so I think I’ll bow out of offering an opinion on that question. Suffice to say that I can see the merits of both viewpoints offered in the two articles linked above and in their subsequent comments sections. Some who know the culture firsthand vouch for the authenticity and appropriateness of Gloria’s animated speech, mispronounced words and fiery personality. Others with informed perspectives say that she’s a caricature of real Latina women. I can’t offer any other informed comments on the “authenticity” question.

Regardless, I do find it unfortunate that, in this week’s Daily Beast article, Sofia Vergara is willing to consider the “stereotype” question only insofar as it pertains to her being typecast as the spicy Colombiana or Latina in future roles. I would have hoped that Vergara would be able to look beyond her own career prospects and reflect on whether Gloria Pritchett, and her future characters, reinforce or help break down persistent and pernicious ethnic stereotypes in the culture at large. For whatever reason, those important questions just aren’t on her mind. But the next time she’s asked to really play up the “saucy Latina attitude” or hilariously mispronounce an English word, perhaps they should be.

Otherwise, we may start to see a few cracks in the wall of credibility that separates Sofia Vergara from the many hacks who do nothing but play paper-thin characters based on persistent cultural stereotypes. Annoying components of her current character notwithstanding, Vergara does strike me as a talented and likable figure in the entertainment world, and I’d hate for her to have anything in common with Larry the Cable Guy other than their stunning good looks.

Take Elbow, for example. They are currently one of my favorite bands. I’ve seen them live and will sing their praises to anyone who will listen. Their 2010 album, Build a Rocket Boys, is their 4th 5th major release but I only became a fan via their 3rd 4th album, The Seldom Seen Kid. They had 2 3 other albums, both all excellent, that I never gave any credence until recently. It’s not as though Elbow radically changed their style between albums to something that I find more appealing. I like the earlier material, but it sailed perfectly under my radar until I was finally exposed to the band by fellow Tweedster Lloyd.

Another example is Super Furry Animals. (Another reco by my dear friend Lloyd.) The album that finally got my attention, Rings Around the World, was their 5th. They had half a decade of material before that album came out in 2001, including an album entirely in the Welsh language! Granted, I’ve been marginally disappointed by their output of late, but I absolutely love Rings and am always willing to give a new Super Furry Animals release a fair listen.

I have other examples from my own experience, but I’ll not belabor them here. You get the point. It’s important to remember that Elbow, and bands like them, are not Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin; bands whose primary output was decades ago and the only way to consider yourself a fan is to parse the back catalog. And they are not The Flaming Lips or Deftones; bands who really did significantly alter their musical style, or even managed to jump genres, and thus reached a wider audience. (Honestly, in my opinion, most Flaming Lips before The Soft Bulletin and Deftones before White Pony is not worthwhile.)

Am I the only one who finds this interesting? Is this bizarre phenomenon due to my personal taste, or is it just a matter of timing?

What say you, dear reader? Can you think of any artists who were well into their careers before you became a fan? And now, as a fan, have you checked out their earlier material and enjoyed it? Have you given any thought to how this artist managed to get by you for so long?

Nice rack.

Cowell, Simon — The X-Factor and former American Idol judge has broken off his engagement with makeup artist Mezhgan Hussainy, telling the UK’s Daily Mirror that it’s a “complicated relationship” and that Cowell doesn’t know if he’ll ever get married. It makes sense, folks. After all, why would Cowell need a wife when he can spend even more time casually rubbing his own spectacular man-boobs?

Link: Simon Cowell Breaks Off Engagement (Today)

Crew, 2 Live — A resurgence of notoriously filthy hip-hop artists 2 Live Crew is in the works according to Rolling Stone, which reports that the outfit will once again tour this coming summer. When asked about the reasons for the return after such a long absence from the spotlight, frontman Luther Campbell allegedly told reporters “Me so hungry.” (via Lloyd)

Link: 2 Live Crew to Reunite (Rolling Stone)

Cyrus, Miley – List of things which make Disney executives shudder for January 26, 2012: 1.) Miley Cyrus threw her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth a drunken bash at a Los Angeles club, 2.) Miley Cyrus surprised said boyfriend with a birthday cake shaped like a large penis, 3.) Miley Cyrus “pretended to lick” the penis. Well done, Miley. Your move, Selena Gomez — those are some big shoes to fill, and Miley’s setting the bar very high for you.

Link: Miley Cyrus Makes Lewd Tongue Gesture with Penis Birthday Cake (Socialite Life)

Gibson, Mel – After British actor Tom Hardy was tapped to play the beloved Mad Max in an upcoming remake of the 1979 apocalypse actioner, Hardy felt it was only right to get the blessing of former Mad Max — the actor who was launched on the role — Mel Gibson. Gibson told audience members at a recent screening of the original that when Hardy approached him, Gibson told the young actor to “Go ahead, knock yourself out. I’ve got better things to do.” Gibson then explained that those “better things” included scrawling anti-semitic epithets on bathroom walls, degrading Russian models throughout Beverly Hills and quietly crying into a bowl of vegemite as he waits for another script where he gets to play another “angry man who “takes the law in his own hands.”

Link: Mel Gibson on the Legacy of “Mad Max,” Meeting Tom Hardy for “Fury Road” and his Viking Epic “Berserker” (Moveable Feast)

Oscars, The — The hot-button story from Monday’s Academy Award announcements were who was surprisingly. Among the snubbed actors believed to score a nod and didn’t were Patton Oswalt, Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender, Ryan Gosling and Albert Brooks. Upon hearing the news, Gosling consoled his Drive co-star Brooks by saying “Hey, listen, every cloud has a silver lining – after all, I’m still ridiculously handsome,” before noticing Brooks’ expression and quietly whispering. “Oh, sorry.”

Link: Oscar Nominations 2012: Surprises and Snubs (HuffPo)

Worthington, Sam — The Avatar star and current lead in the upcoming Man on a Ledge told press that the decision to put him high above New York City was one which troubled the acrophobic young heartthrob, saying ”I’m pretty lucky I didn’t burst into tears and roll into a ball” upon first being thrust out on the outskirts of NYC’s Roosevelt Hotel. Clearly the press is missing the bigger story here on Man on a Ledge and Worthington’s decision to take the role. Sam Worthington can’t read!

Link: Sam Worthington, Elizabeth Banks Hang Above New York City (HuffPo)