Who wants to go to the hospital?

I am an artist, dammit! Take me seriously!

Bieber, Justin – The pop singer was recently booed at the Billboard Music Awards, and responded by saying that he is no flash in the pan: “This is not a gimmick.  I’m an artist and I should be taken seriously.”  Sure, why not.  McNuggets are also technically considered “food.”

Link: Bieber Booed (Huffington Post)

Furlong, Edward – The Terminator 2 actor has been arrested for violating a restraining order filed by an ex-girlfriend.  Furlong has also had such orders filed by an ex-wife and other ex-girlfriends—and has been arrested for violating some of those orders—proving that, unlike Skynet, he does not learn at a geometric rate.

Link: Furlong Arrested (E! Online)

Miguel – The singer made an impression at yesterday’s Billboard Music Awards by miscalculating a jump and landing on two audience members.  The fans didn’t think anything of it, and just figured that’s how they’re supposed to feel after listening to “Adorn.”

Link: Miguel Falls (Billboard)

Robsten – Actors Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have reportedly called off their relationship, again.  Twilight fans, take heart, though—they will be willing to get back together if need be to drum up press for any upcoming projects.

Link: Robsten Off Again (Us Magazine)

Stodden, Courtney – Teen reality TV star and child bride Stodden admitted last week that she made a sex tape.  Since Stodden has so far existed only to create and promote her a media persona, it would be more surprising if she didn’t have a sex tape.

Link: Stodden Sex Tape (Examiner)

Watson, Emma – The 23-year-old Harry Potter actress says she was in no rush to get to adulthood: “[I] never wanted to grow up too fast: I wanted to wear a sportsbra until I was 22!”  This is in contrast to a lot of her fans, who have wanted her not to wear anything immediately after she was 18.

Link: Watson Young (W Magazine)

Consistent with Griffin’s body of work, American Kid is an emotional collection of songs, some written during the time she was preparing to lose her father and some penned after his passing. One, in particular, got its title from his own words: “Don’t Let Me Die in Florida.” Plant sings on three of the tunes, and even doctored the arrangement of “Ohio” at Griffin’s request. Originally thought of as a potential Band of Joy number, it is noticeably reminiscent of their mellow blues style.”Wherever You Wanna Go” is textbook Griffin and a great lead off track, welcoming new recruits and comforting veteran listeners. On the insightful “Wild Old Dog” Griffin paints a forlorn portrait of God as an abandon canine, and by doing so has another instant classic on her hands that shines despite its grime like an uncut gem.

I am usually all about the deluxe edition with bonus video and a DVD with an interview, but I would have just opted for the standard version had I known the “making of” footage was only about 10 minutes long. It does include High Res audio of the songs, but doesn’t offer much else in the way of extras.

Patty Griffin will grab hold of you and not let go, with her no frills style, strong conviction and deeply emotive delivery. She can have a profound impact on the people that take the time to let her music into their lives. American Kid is no exception. Rest assured it is time well spent. 

Link: “‘Bea Arthur Naked’ Could Sell for $2.5 Million (The Daily Beast)

Brothers, Joyce — Psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers, one of the modern mass media age’s first “celebrity” doctors, passed away on Monday at her New Jersey home at age 85. She’ll long be remembered for her astute observations on psychology and her many self-help books, but perhaps just as much for her self-effacing manner and willingness to have fun at her own expense, from Steve Martin’s The Lonely Guy to Saturday Night Live. Our thoughts go out to her family.

Link: Dr. Joyce Brothers Talks Naughty Parts on Conan O’Brien (YouTube)

Leonardo DiCaprio in a scene from Baz Luhrmann’s “The Great Gatsby”

Gatsby, The Great -- It was merely passed over when F. Scott Fitzgerald first penned the novel, but over the years the success of The Great Gatsby as one of the great American books has led to countless adaptations, including Baz Luhrmann’s lavish retelling that clocked in with over fifty million dollars this past weekend at the box office. HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS TAKE NOTE: safe signs that your student only watched the movie and did not read the book include but are not limited to the following mentions: Tom Buchanan’s twerking, West Egg going HAM and Meyer Wolfsheim “popping mollies.”

Link: “Great Gatsby Surprises Box Office with Fancy $51M Debut (MTV)

Island, The Lonely — With a new album due in June, parodists The Lonely Island has announced “Wack Wednesdays,” in which each humpday will see the debut of a new video from Andy Samberg and company. Like this one, which begins as a beloved “Between Two Ferns” episode and quickly devolves into a Spring Break anthem, and then devolves into something very, very different. See for yourself.

Link: “Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis – James Franco” (FunnyOrDie)

Smith, Jaden — Yahoo.com’s entertainment section, aptly titled OMG because it has all the subtlety of an excitable eighth grader, has written that fifteen year-old movie star Jaden Smith, son of Will and Jada Pinkett, has made a request known that he’d like to be “emancipated” from his parents and live on his own. Oh, that special coming of age, that time-honored tradition when a young son stars in a Karate Kid remake, acts alongside his father in a giant-budget summer tentpole space movie and then heads out to live on his own wisdom at age fifteen. Am I right, Dads everywhere? Seems like just yesterday you were making The Pursuit of Happyness, and visiting mom on the red carpet of the Madagascar 2 premiere. Time flies.

Link: Jaden Smith Wants to be Emancipated from Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith (Yahoo OMG)

Underwood, Carrie — Multiple Grammy-winner and ex-American Idol champ Carrie Underwood claims to have predicted her own fate in her high school yearbook when, in an interview with Marie Claire, the singer revealed that her plan was to be “rich, famous and married to a hot guy.” Other predictions that have come true from Underwood’s yearbook is that she “stayed the same and went far,” “never changed,” “kept on bein’ CRAZY” and “always remembered those funny times in Mr. Henderson’s class.”

Link: Carrie Underwood’s Yearbook Predictions Come True (Yahoo OMG)

Savages’ debut album Silence Yourself, out now on Matador Records.

It’s difficult to discuss the buzzy new London band Savages without delving a bit into what they represent culturally and socially along with what they do musically.

First, unfortunately, the fact that Savages consists of four women and no men is still at least somewhat noteworthy. Savages certainly isn’t the first “all-woman” band to achieve renown, but my knowledge of rock history is sufficient to know that the precedents are relatively few among actual instrument-playing bands, leaving aside a long lineage of singing-only “girl groups” from the Supremes to the Spice Girls. Savages is by no means a “girl group” (or “girl band”) attempting to cultivate a glamour-based image alongside their musical and gender identity. That lack of concern with manufactured cuteness and/or sexiness is beyond refreshing; it’s a vitally important stance to take.

Second, and equally significant, Savages has taken on the self-appointed task of rebuking the hyper-mediated, information-saturated, stimulus-seeking culture that has led to the visibility of more smart phone screens than eyes and faces at live music events these days. Savages is already gaining notoriety for demanding otherwise, with signs posted at their shows insisting that audience members put away their devices and engage with the actual moment and space that they have chosen and paid to occupy. The text on the album cover above also speaks to this imperative.

Here’s the thing — when a band makes such a demand as a precondition for playing live, it then absolutely has to deliver on the implicit promise that its performance will be worthy of such close attention. Assuming Savages’ debut album Silence Yourself is an indication of their ability to deliver, then I find it likely that they make good on that daunting promise every time they take the stage.

Silence Yourself is gripping and remarkably consistent in its drama and power. It’s loud and abrasive and angry. Many songs are damn catchy, and every element is purposeful, even the piercing feedback in “Waiting for a Sign” and the bleating, atonal bass clarinet that fades out to close the album. The ambition and skill level apparent on Silence Yourself (and therefore in Savages’ live shows, presumably) exceed that of the average punk band, but the band’s energy and attitude, and frequently their tempo and volume, are pure punk. The Savages formula for capturing and holding a live audience’s attention thus seems to emphasize tight songwriting, technical aptitude, punk energy, and intense urgency. Like I said earlier, I’d imagine that formula is a successful one.

In terms of Savages’ sound, the common comparisons to Siouxsie and the Banshees are somewhat useful, but I’d argue that on some level this comparison is rooted mostly in observing surface-level similarities between the female voices that front both bands. The Siouxsie-Savages comparisons betray not only certain assumptions about the inherent sameness of rock bands with strong female presences, but also a basic lack of familiarity with Savages’ more relevant antecedents. Rather than the less desperate, less heavy, often more synthetic Banshees sound, Savages primarily reminds me of two of the post-punk era’s loudest and most dramatic rock bands. I get the same vibe from Savages, musically and at times even lyrically, as I get from The Sound and The Wipers. True students of the era will know that these are lofty comparisons to put upon Savages, but I believe Silence Yourself is good enough to stand up to these two bands’ immortal, genre-defining albums of the early 80s.

I’m not going to do a point-by-point, song-by-song comparison of Silence Yourself with the Sound’s Jeopardy (1980) and From the Lion’s Mouth (1981; one of my all-time favorite albums) and the Wipers’ Is This Real? (1979), Youth in America (1981), and Over the Edge (1983). Neither of the legendary, though somewhat unsung, older bands is a perfectly apt touchstone for Savages (just as Siouxsie Sioux is not), and frequently Silence Yourself evokes the tone and mood, rather than specific sonic elements, of the albums mentioned above. At other times Savages sounds like some heaven-sent alchemical mixture of the Sound and the Wipers, with the former’s drama and dynamics matched with the latter’s tempo, volume, and heaviness. I’ll let you make up your own mind, of course, but as a little experiment, try a 3-song playlist of the Wipers’ “Over the Edge,” the Sound’s “Skeletons,” and Savages’ “City’s Full,” though just about any track from Silence Yourself will follow nicely here. Note that in this live version of “City’s Full,” Savages is just as heavy as the mighty Wipers and, toward the end, as capable of compelling dynamic shifts and atmospherics as what the Sound displays on “Skeletons” (and in nearly every song on the absolutely immortal From the Lion’s Mouth).

Above all, I’d argue that the best way to appreciate the significance of Silence Yourself is to put away all the analytical stuff, listen to the album with the volume turned up, and just feel the thing’s power. Simply, this is thrilling rock music. Count me among those who believe that Savages is, thus far, keeping the promises of its quasi-mission statement, which reads in part, “SAVAGES’ INTENTION IS TO CREATE A SOUND, INDESTRUCTIBLE, MUSICALLY SOLID, WRITTEN FOR THE STAGE AND DESIGNED WITH ENOUGH NUANCES TO PROVIDE A WIDE RANGE OF EMOTIONS. …SAVAGES’ SONGS AIM TO REMIND US THAT HUMAN BEINGS HAVEN’T EVOLVED SO MUCH, THAT MUSIC CAN STILL BE STRAIGHT TO THE POINT, EFFICIENT AND EXCITING.” As you can see from this statement, Savages is an “all-caps” sort of band that takes itself and its work quite seriously, and if you’ve been wanting a new, young, loud, brash, talented, ambitious rock band to get excited about, then I’d say these four women and their lofty debut album just might be what you’ve been waiting for.

Mud starts off enigmatically. A boy in his early teens sneaks out of a run-down boathouse and meets his friend in the woods. We learn that this is Ellis, and his friend is “Neckbone;” two poor boys who live a hardscrabble life on the   Arkansas River. On an island some distance upriver, Ellis and Neck find a boat lodged in a tree, likely placed there by the last major flood. The boys decide to claim it as their own, a “secret hideout” of sorts, but Ellis soon discovers that someone else has been staying there. Back on the beach, they encounter a mysterious dude (Matthew McConaughey). Though nonthreatening,  this dude is definitely someone to be wary of. Ellis, being a sympathetic lad, agrees to bring some food back. Thus begins an uneasy friendship between dude, who later self-identifies as “Mud,” and the boys. They help him get the boat out of the tree and restore it to working order, and he spins a life story that intrigues our two impressionable heroes. Mud is on this island because he’s a fugitive. He killed a man in Texas, ostensibly in defense of his girlfriend Juniper (Reese Witherspoon). Not only are the State Police looking for him, but the wealthy family of Mud’s victim has put hired killers on the trail as well.

Despite the movie’s title, it’s clear that Ellis is our main character. As the story unfolds, we find out that Ellis has an unhappy home life. His parents are on the verge of divorce. He’s a sensitive young man, with high, romantic ideals about love and commitment. Ultimately, the story is about his disillusionment with these ideals. Through Mud’s personal story, and the later revelations about the truth (or lack thereof) in his yarn, Ellis loses some of his innocence. Tye Sheridan and Jacob Lofland (Ellis and Neckbone, respectively) do a superb job for such young actors, especially Sheridan.

And, of course, McConaughey takes his shirt off.

Link: Publicity Stunt Mars Iron Man Showing (RTV6)

Death from drinking spiders wouldn’t have been surprising either.

Hanneman, Jeff – Metal band Slayer released a statement saying that guitarist Hanneman did not die of complications due to necrotizing fasciitis from a spider bite, as originally hypothesized, but from cirrhosis of the liver due to excessive alcohol consumption.  For a guitarist for Slayer, either would have been fitting.

Link: Hanneman’s Cause of Death (Fox News)

Lavigne, Avril – The 28-year-old singer recently released the video to her new single “Here’s to Never Growing Up,” which reminisces about high school, proms, and falling in love.  If you read between the lines, it’s about someone approaching 30 who hopes she can still make seemingly edgy but completely safe pop songs that teenagers will continue to buy.

Link: Avril’s New Video (Billboard)

Robson, Wade – A former choreographer for Britney Spears and witness for Michael Jackson in previous child sexual abuse cases has reversed course and asked to file a claim against MJ’s estate, alleging he was in fact molested by the singer.  Jackson was unavailable for comment.

Link: Robson Accuses Jackson (NY Daily News)

Smash – NBC’s musical drama has been cancelled after a bad start to its second season.  If this is important to you, you are literally the only person I know who watched this show.

Link: Smash Smashed (Huffington Post)

Stars, The Fault in Our – John Green’s best-seller is being adapted to the big screen, with Ansel Elgort and Shailene Woodley cast as the two leads.  Hollywood insiders haven’t been this excited about a movie showcasing two actors with obviously fake names since Thora Birch and Mena Suvari starred in American Beauty.

Link: Actors in Movies (EW)

Link: Farrah Abraham Sex Video Crushes Kim Kardashian Record (FOX)

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something smothered in margarine.

Boo Boo, Honey – The mother of reality-show phenomenon Honey Boo Boo, June Shannon, reportedly wed longtime beau Mike “Sugar Bear” Thompson in a ceremony on Sunday in McIntyre, Georgia. If this information means anything at all to you, it’s probably time to re-examine your priorities in life.

Link: June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo Mom, Getting Married to Sugar Bear (US Magazine)

Crow, The — Via Deadline Hollywood, rumors abound in Hollywood that despite actors like Bradley Cooper and Tom Hiddleston allegedly being tossed around to play the role, actor Luke Evans — who has previously been seen as “Detective Fields” in The Raven and “Apollo” in Clash of the Titans — has been tapped to play the supernatural titular character in a reboot of The Crow. If you read the previous sentence, you should know that its secret news should have just been “Bradley Cooper and Tom Hiddleston Both Turn Down Opportunity to Play The Crow.”

Link: Luke Evans Has Something to Crow About (Ain’t It Cool)

Day, Free Comic Book — Portland authorities say that several adults, dressed as their favorite film and comic book characters, were lined up outside Portland’s Coast City Comics on Saturday for “Free Comic Book Day” when a 6’4, 300-pound man came out of nowhere, putting a man dressed as a Stormtrooper in a chokehold and reportedly punching another man who was dressed as a Ghostbuster. Jeez, it’s like you can’t even have “Free Comic Book Day” anymore without some weirdo showing up.

Link: Stormtrooper, Ghostbuster Assaulted in Portland During Free Comic Book Day  (Sun Journal)

Development, Arrested – With season four of Arrested Development poised to release on Netflix May 26, Bluthophiles everywhere are waiting in anticipation for the next chapter to begin. Luckily, the first actual moving film of the season has hit the internet in the form of an outtake screened for the Television Critics Association Winter Press Tour. Enjoy.

Link: Arrested Development Sneak Peek With Buster and Lucille (EW)

Pizza, Domino’s — A new feature available at pizza purveyor Domino’s website allows visitors to watch pizzas being made at all hours via a live webcam broadcast from a store in Salt Lake City, Utah. Consequently, no one has seen or talked to actress Kirstie Alley since the webcam’s launch.

Link: Watch Your Domino’s Pizza Being Made on Live Webcam (Ad Age)

Spider-Man, AKA Peter Parker. Photographer by day, web-slinger by night.

Superman is to Clark Kent as Spider-Man is to Peter Parker.

Right?

And lots more. The mighty Thor (in his various comic book incarnations, silly; surely you didn’t think I was talking about the Norse god?) has an alter ego as Dr. Donald Blake. As Blake, the superhero looks like a meek, disabled physician whose walking cane turns into the supernatural hammer Mjölnir.

Scientist Bruce Banner, irradiated by one of his experiments, is a twentieth century Dr. Jekyll, the gamma rays stripping him of his ivory tower dignity and turning him (when he gets angry—you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry) into a green, mindless, raging beast with a good heart and a tendency to rescue kittens and other helpless things. Leave alone that gamma rays are pretty much good for only one transformation upon mammals: frying them to an inert crisp.

Nerdy Diana Prince is secretly the Amazon princess known to the world as Wonder Woman, starting out her career by aiding the allies in World War II. I always thought it odd that someone following Greek ideals, and answering to an ancient monarch, Hippolyta, the queen of the Amazons, should be so go-go-America, but hey, Superman isn’t even from this planet, and he’s here to protect “truth, justice, and the American way.”

Link: Aniston on Aniston (L.A. Times)

Bryant, Kobe – The NBA superstar issued a cease-and-desist letter to keep his mom from auctioning off items from his past, including a team-issued Bryant 2000 Lakers championship ring.  He reportedly wants to keep all his old championship gear because the Lakers don’t look like they’re gonna win anything anytime soon.

Link: Kobe v. Mom (People)

Minaj, Nicki – The “Starships” singer and American Idol judge has rekindled a rumored feud with fellow AI judge Mariah Carey with a few sharp tweets.  Good news: this is the only entertainment American Idol has provided in about 5 years.  Bad news: AI is still getting destroyed ratings-wise by Duck Dynasty.

Link: Minaj-Carey Feud Back On? (Inquisitr)

Perry, Katy – The singer’s fundamentalist father says he weeps and prays for his “devil child” daughter when watching her performances because the audiences are “loving and worshipping the wrong thing.”  Katy has assured fans that they are not worshipping false idols.

Link: Perry’s Pop (The Sun)

Pregnant Husband – OK, so I find this more relevant given the recent birth of my daughter, but it’s catching fire all over the internet and is pretty funny anyway.  Be sure to let the pages load to get the best effect.

Link: Pregnancy in GIFs (Pregnant Husband)

The real Taylor Swift?

Swift, Taylor – Tomlin informed us of Swift’s purchase of a $17.5 million, 11000 sqft mansion in RI.  Now we learn from Gawker that not only does the house have a person-sized birdcage, but that the singer has moved in her favorite chair, in which she supposedly sits to compose her songs.  Reports of Swift’s eternal youth, as well as young virgins entering her estate but never leaving, are unconfirmed.

Link: Swift’s Lucky Chair (Gawker)