Excerpts from Let’s Go: Inferno (4th Edition)

April 29, 2009

THE FOURTH CIRCLE

There is never a truly opportune time to visit the Fourth Circle, with its flat, dry plains, though many find the aridity pleasing to certain skin conditions. Unfortunately, the locals (hoarders, prodigals) can seem offputting to outsiders. Shades abound in the Fourth Circle, many shrieking, sobbing and wailing for redemption – and, as is the norm in this region, most of the food to be found is molded, rotten and inconsumable.

Helpful Hints:

-The bestial guardian Plutus, who guards the entrance of the Fourth Circle, will rage against you as you cross into the tormented neighborhood, but have no fear. Once informed that you are visiting on heavenly duty, and that he is powerless, he’ll crumple to the ground in no time!

-Don’t miss the age-old tradition of hoarders versus wasters, as the two groups push giant weights against one another, arguing the wisdom of spending versus the wisdom of saving. Root for your favorite side as you watch their fruitless, eternal struggle!

THE FIFTH CIRCLE

There’s no turning these frowns upside down! The grumps of the Fifth Circle are alternately wrathful or sullen; there’s simply no pleasing these “negative nancies!” On the upside, those who enjoy boat rides can take a ferry across the river Styx, so make sure you’ve got your sea legs – or should we say “tortured soul legs,” as you will be traversing over a river of disembodied, trapped spirits.

Helpful Hints:

-Bring your galoshes! The Fifth Circle is mired in slime and mud almost ankle-thick, and you will likely be assaulted by those who wish to tear your flesh from your body, so don’t dawdle too much.

-Need a lift? The giant flames shooting from the tower on the riverbank are calling Phlegyas, the phantom ferryman who will help you across the river. Don’t be put off by his threats to “capture” you, and just enjoy the ride!

THE SEVENTH CIRCLE, RING II

Don’t let the towering trees and lush foliage fool you, they’re actually doomed souls trapped forever, screaming their penitence. Notice the harpies feasting on them. Ouch! Hope you ate before you came, since not only will you bear witness to the merciless flaying of those trapped here, but you’ll notice a surprising lack of “decent” restaurants and coffee shops.

Helpful Hints:

-Don’t forget your earplugs – the constant and sorrowful wails of the damned is extremely strong here, by the way, did you know that most of the best earplugs for concerts can be used for sleeping and studying. Just switch on your iPod and turn it up!

-You may from time to time be sideswiped by the Violent Wasters, who flee eternally through the forest, pursued by ravenous packs of dogs who will tear them to pieces if caught. Just ignore them.

THE EIGHTH CIRCLE

The Eighth Circle of Hell is a cornucopia of sights and sounds, from the silver tongues of the seducers to the colorful garb of the soothsayers. Sauntering through the various bolge of the Eighth Circle is a great time to reflect upon your old life. But keep your eyes open, you may see someone you know!

Helpful Hints:

-Don’t visit the second bolgia after lunch; the flatterers here produce a constant stream of excrement from their mouths.

-Take some great pictures of the brightly gilded robes of the hypocrites in the sixth bolgia, but it would be inconsiderate to ask them to stop to pose. If the hypocrites stop walking, their cloaks suddenly become hotter and hotter, forcing them onward.

-Taxis are nototriously hard to come by in bolgia IX (Sowers of Discord and Schism), so bring the card of a reliable cab company.