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Jon and Kate Plus Hate: Weep For the Children, and Kate’s Bangs

May 26, 2009

After a month’s worth of tabloid hullabaloo, Jon and Kate Plus Eight finally kicked off season number five with an awkward and depressing birthday party. Hoo-ray.

Rumors of Jon’s infidelity were being glibly tossed about, while America sat in their living rooms, collectively thinking, ‘oh those poor children. They must grow up in this home with a cheater and a Russian female movie villain.’

Alas, Kate courageously pulled herself together to mirror Jon’s mopey, beaten-down attitude to string together a few pinatas and fashion some grab bags. Then, after an early morning attack of bugs and wind—Satan’s fiercest allies—all Kate could do was laugh and laugh! What a great sport!

“I’m doing this all by myself,” she’d often yell to her tireless band of workers.

Oh, she bitched also. Just like the previous four seasons. In fact, she bitched throughout her childrens’ birthday party, only stopping long enough to pose for the paparazzi photographers lurking in the grassy knoll.

Look, lady, I know you feel like the world has gone and taken a big shit on your sweeping cardboard bangs, but good heavens you sure bitch a lot. You folded some fucking boxes. Jesus. And do you not understand the irony related to complaining about the paparazzi? You have camera men following your every move.

There were of course tender moments: Jon nuzzling close to one of the tiny little ones and Kate getting choked up when someone FINALLY thanked her for all her hard work, but the chasm between our oh-so-sleepy hero and dashing but lonely heroine has only grown. And that’s sad. As much as I have only a tangential connection to these two, it’s difficult to watch them in their early days. Sure they struggled financially, but they were happy. Truly happy. The money, the fame, the travel, and the photographers have completely ripped apart a family, and it’s damn sad to watch.

But as much as I feel for them, as much as I feel like I shouldn’t even be thinking or writing anything about these two, it must be noted that they have brought these events on themselves. Whether it be one or both, this could have been stopped. No one forced them to keep going, to write books, to speak, to quit their jobs (although Jon alluded to being given little choice). You can really only feel so bad for the elders in the family—they wanted the money and fame, just not everything else.

So, yeah. I feel vindicated in saying mean things about them. This isn’t like The Truman Show. They had a choice. You can’t bitch about all the attention your getting after desiring, well, attention. If you didn’t want attention, perhaps you shouldn’t have signed on for a national television show. Just a thought.

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