Seriously, Everyone, Let’s Calm Down Just a Bit About Twitter

May 27, 2009

Hey America, come on in. There’s some food in here. Want a cookie? Yes, all your friends are here. We’ve been waiting for you. No, we’re not really going camping. I lied about that. I had to get you here somehow.

Sorry for tricking you. But this is an intervention, America.

I know you’re all into Twitter. But it’s starting to get a little out of hand. A quick search on Google News turns up, this morning, 833 items on the subject. 833 items about, if we’re being honest, what amounts to Facebook’s most annoying facet. What Twitter has done, basically, is strip a fragment from the social networking site and created an empire around it. If I were Facebook, I might be a little pissed.

But I’m not Facebook. And that’s neither here nor there. What began as a pleasant diversion has become a full-blown national obsession. And I’m not saying it needs to end, but for the love of God, let’s just tone it down a little.

We get it, America. You’re going to the store because you’re out of chips. You locked yourself out of your apartment. You think 24 is “awesome.” You can’t find your hair brush. You wonder who invented the smoothie. You’re hanging with your friend Stephen, who rocks. You’re watching a movie. You’re listening to a great song. You’re doing normal stuff, and we don’t need to hear about it all the time.

Wanna know what a great use of Twitter would be? “I’m trapped in a snowcave. My latitude is 64.168, my longitude is 67.851.”

But no. Instead we get to hear about how drunk you are. Or how you’re hungry and can’t decide what to eat.

I don’t mean to be hard on you, America. Really, it’s not all of you. Some of you are able to moderate it. And that’s good. Picking and choosing what to tweet. But there are some of you who just can’t get enough attention. And someone finally designed a website for that.

I’m looking at you, celebrities. Let’s take a peek at the website CelebrityTweet, for a random smattering of what our country’s greatest abusers of this phenomenon are saying:

Rachel Bilson: “Shopping. ssshhhh.” Don’t worry Rachel, your secret’s safe with me!

Diablo Cody: “My friend Marty Krofft just stopped by to say hi!“ Great Diablo, I was wondering if any of your friends were stopping by right now!

Ice-T: “Out the door to dinner!” Alright T, have a great one! I hope what you eat is delicious!

Ashton Kutcher: “Good morning from a production meeting.” Don’t even talk to me, Ashton Kutcher. You’re one of the reasons we’re in this mess to begin with.

Here’s an idea. Give me your phone number, and I’ll call you whenever I do anything. Sound good? Since obviously I’m assuming that you care about every thought I have in my head, all the time. You must really love me. I must be great, and so interesting.

It’s just all starting to get a bit much, America. You know how most people, during their lifetimes, go through a Bob Marley period, where they’re really into him? It’s becoming similar to that, if all you did was talk about Bob Marley all the time. And it never seemed to wane at all.

And how does it make sense that we spend so much time trying keep Big Brother from policing our personal lives, from “spying” on us, from listening to our phone calls, from tracking our purchases, yet the second a website comes along for us to record every thought and feeling we have on the internet, we sign right up and go to to town?

I even see that there’s going to be a Twitter television show. A television show. Hollywood Reporter tells us that the new program will feature “ordinary people competing while on the trail of celebrities.” Because, of course, we’re all so enamored with what celebrities think. We can only hope that the first challenge is to find out where Ice-T decided upon for dinner.

In some ways, I get it. It’s like playing with a brand new toy. But at some point, we really do need to take a step back. Have we all become so self-important that our thoughts need to be shared with everyone around us all the time? I’ve met people like that at parties, and couldn’t stand them. Now everyone is like that person at the party.

Look, America, you’re not hurting anyone. But it’s just getting a little excessive. I don’t need to be that connected with everyone who is alive, all the time. And I find it a little disconcerting that you feel that need. Just think about it, okay? It’s quite alright to keep some things to yourself. In fact, sometimes that might even be preferable. I’m hoping this phase will pass, and I’m willing to stick it out with you. I’m here for you, America. We’ll get through this together. No, you cannot have your cellphone back. Have you even listened to a word I’ve said? What are you doing? Are you tweeting again?