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Home of the Whimper

June 1, 2009

As the resident Food Editor here at TBTS, I thought this might be a good time to give a little tongue lashing to one the giants of the fast food industry.  That’s right. I’m looking at you, Burger King.  Now, before we get to the proverbial meat and potatoes of hopefully all of our respective aggravation with said “King,” I think a little background might be necessary.

Let us begin with White Castle.  “Chez Whitey’s,” as I like to call it (despite the clear translation faux pas…at least I’ve got that one right), has specialized in the slyder since 1921.  This tiny burger — and many other small sandwiches — have consistently supplied the drunken youth of America with something to soak up the suds at whatever ridiculous hour they might start to wrap up an evening of festivities.  I know many among us have our opinions about Castillo Blanco (thank you Google), but one thing is clear: this is the accepted miniature burger.  Krystal, you can just sit down in the corner like I asked you to back in ’32.

Fast forward to 2007, and we all get the great pleasure of meeting Guy Fieri in all of his frosted glory.  Maybe you met him earlier than I did when he won some sort of pathetic excuse for a reality show on the Food Network.  Either way, he burst into my living room telling me all about how these “new” mini-burgers (or this tim, “slIders”) were going to be the raddest food ever.  Listen Guy, just because you and the host of Double Dare tell me I should eat something doesn’t mean I’m jumping on board.  Apparently I’m alone in this one, because ever other restaurant in the country seems to have gotten on the train to Tiny Burgertown U.S.A..

That brings us to you Burger King.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  After calling yourself the “The Home of the Whopper” for my entire life, you introduce “BK Burger Shots.”  All of this just a few short years after offering up the biggest breakfast sandwich in the fast food world all served up by a creepy, but surprisingly humorous, plastic-headed mascot.  Everything about Burger King has always been big.  The Whopper, The BK Big Fish (Formerly the Whaler), that Giant Omelet Thing.  Almost everything they make is bigger than the equivalent at their nearest competitor.  I’ll admit that I’ll try just about any new fast food sandwich. But this is where I draw the line (I’m still undecided about that pulled-pork White Castle, but I’ll get back to you).  And what is with shortening everything to BK?  Embrace what made you the King.  We know we all have a tendency to eat too much.  Why do you the think you still have the triple Whopper on the menu?  Answer:  We want a BIG fattening tasty burger!  Get thee behind me, Burger King!

I think it is only fair to give a gold star to Applebee’s for firing back with “REALBURGERS”.  I think we all know that is what we all really wanted in the first place.  I understand the chicken nugget has its place at the dinner table, but lets be honest…we are ordering the 20 piece.  Just because these burgers are small doesn’t keep us from eating a half dozen.  Now that Billy Mays is involved, you know you’ve only created a monster.  Next time you go to your big summer cookout ,what do you think you’ll be throwing on the grill — 3oz. of charcoaled beef or a half pound of bloody deliciousness?  For me. that’s a rhetorical question.  Hopefully, we can all agree and put an end to this madness — while Burger King still has a shred of dignity.

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