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There is No Escape From This Week’s Billboard Top Ten

June 1, 2009

Music’s great. Finding new sounds, new artists, new songs you really like. For music fans, there’s nothing like hearing a snippet of something new to go track down. But if you lack the wherewithal to find any music you like yourself, here are the top ten songs Billboard Magazine says you must listen to at your community’s public pool, on your city’s top 40 station, and in your nightmares, incessantly, every night until you relinquish all hope. Make no mistake about it. You are powerless to stop the following songs on the week of June 1, 2009:

1.  The Black Eyed Peas – Boom Boom Pow 

Auteur will.i.am finally got the band back together (rumor has it that they found rapper Apl.De.Ap working in a soul food joint run by Aretha Franklin in Harlem) just in time for the Peas to have what some are already calling the “hit of the summer.” It is also the most onomatopoeic of the summer. Not interested? Well, Fergie’s back too. Yeah, I thought that might do it.

2. Lady Gaga – Poker Face

Oooh, the delicious double entendre! You are probably thinking that Lady Gaga, the New York-born diva responsible for this week’s number two hit, is quite clever. You would most likely be wrong about that.

3. Jamie Foxx featuring T-Pain – Blame It

I heard this the other day. It sounds like two robots fighting. I hope T-Pain wins, because I like his hat.

4. Glee Cast – Don’t Stop Believin’

The other morning I woke to the cast of Fox’s new show Glee performing this on the Today Show in Rockefeller Plaza, and it was so annoying I almost threw a shoe at my TV screen. Yes, everyone, this is what we’ve become. A nation who immediately, in its first week, skyrockets a show choir from a television pilot to number four on the Billboard charts. So, shall I connect the hose to your exhaust pipe or can you take care of that?

5. Pitbull – I know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)

People who listen to music in Miami — and there must be a lot of them — ruin everything. Each week there’s a new song that you would hate if it came on your car radio, but that thousands in Miami think is the best thing ever. Sean Paul. Flo Rida. This guy. Great job, Miamians! Keep poisoning the water for the rest of us.

6. Linkin Park – New Divide

I can only assume this is popular because it was played a lot over the speakers at Hot Topic this week. Yes yes, we know, Linkin Park. You did a song with Jay-Z. You’re still Limp Bizkit.

7. Kid Cudi – Day n’ Nite

I don’t know much about this song. But what I do know is this: rapper Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi does not know how to spell “night” properly. And he’s iffy on “and.”

8. Beyonce – Halo

I won’t say anything too bad about Beyonce. After all, she did give us the Single Ladies video, which was nice. It doesn’t surprise me that she is singing a song about Halo. After all, we all saw the American Express commercial; she does a lot of stuff on the computer. Like buy boomerangs.

9. Jeremih – Birthday Sex

I know what you’re thinking. And no, this is not a cover of Bruce Springsteen’s 1977 masterpiece Birthday Sex. It’s totally different.

10. Katy Perry – Waking Up in Vegas

Congrats, Katy! I look forward to hearing this song for the next two years, like I did your last song. See ya in 2011!

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