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Things I Didn’t Know I Cared About: Tone Loc Hospitalized

June 1, 2009

Rapper/Actor Tone Loc collapsed Friday due to overheating while performing at Capt’n Fun Beach Club, a bar which had a naming contest that apparently nobody won.  I checked out IMDB to reacquaint myself with his oeuvre.  His entry lists the classics—The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, They Crawl—but omits some of his lesser-known works and current projects:

Maximum Loc-age (1991) …. Slice:  Tone plays Slice, a government secret agent infiltrating a Basque separatist group that is attempting to release a deadly shrimp virus.  With most of the world’s shrimp dead and the price of live ones skyrocketing, the group will use crustaceans from its underground shrimp farms to cash in.  When a radical Paellist in the State Dept blows Slice’s cover, the Loc-age begins.

The Loc-ing of the Three (1992) .… Schmelwick:  Tone’s first foray into fantasy, as Schmelwick the Conjurer.  Schmelwick must find the exiled Triplets who are prophesied to release the Kingdom of Medina from a decades-old curse which keeps Medinians from reproducing.  When the Triplets appear, Schmelwick concocts a mysterious libation that makes the townfolk rut like minxes, freeing them from their shamanic bondage.

Return to Loc-ington Manor (BBC 3-part miniseries:  Travels to Tonejin, Lord and Lady Loc, When LocBerry Fields Lay Fallow) (1995) .… Lord Loc-ington:  A desperate Lord Loc-ington returns from the Orient with no cure for the Dover Blight ravaging his family’s centuries-old LocBerry plantation.  A touching but harsh dramatization of a pre-Sunglasses agricultural aristocracy crumbling in the face of advancing industrialization and Rap.

“Judge Tone Loc” (in production) …. Himself: “You can’t run from the Tone arm of the Loc.”  Judge Loc issues no-nonsense rulings on cases ranging from unpaid rent to unpaid bills for borrowed cell phones.

Can’t wait to see what’s next, Tone.  Dancing With The Stars, maybe?  Get well soon.

  1. thyholytaint permalink
    June 1, 2009 11:14 pm

    Whateves. Ton Loc is a fat ass and that is why he passed out. He needs to stop eating so many spicy bbq pork rinds, go on the right sized smoothie diet, and quit being such a d bag. I had tix to see him in the Ville. He no showed and never made it up. I hope his son marries a french man.


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