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Attack of the Clones, or The Bachelorette

June 2, 2009

I haven’t had cable in over 5 years.  Not because of any moral objection, but because I’m cheap.  After watching The Bachelorette, Daisy of Love, and I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here!, though, I’m rethinking the moral objection part.

I caught The Bachelorette last night, and finally I understand the initial criticisms of HBO’s Band Of Brothers: no one could tell the characters apart at first.  But I think that was the point.  Making every character immediately distinct would have meant creating glaring and obvious stereotypes, which would have detracted from the impact and message of the miniseries.

However, there is no message to detract from on The Bachelorette.  Every dude on there looks the same–sandy-haired faux-hawked gym-fit tanning-bedded square-jawed meathead—because they are the same.  They even talk the same.  Liking Nickelback rather than Rob Thomas doesn’t make you different.  I don’t remember any of their names (Dave? Taylor? Reese?) because I’m not sure they’re different entities.  They may just be Axe Bodysprayed humanoid protrusions from a giant undifferentiated plasmodial mass of Chach.  OK, one guy said he was on the show to find true love, and another guy wanted to beat up the guy who said that, because it was “cheesy”.  I think that Mr. Belligerent had already found his true love (punching people), and was on the show for free room and board.

So the time came, and the bachelorette unconvincingly said that it was a really difficult decision, and she was so proud of everyone.  She was not, and it was obvious she just wanted the damn show to be over so she could go ahead and get an offer to pose for Playboy.   She gave flowers to all but two men, who had to go back home and model clamdiggers and sandals for their local McAlpins.  The “winners” promptly ate their flowers, ripped the sleeves off their suits, grunted and punched each other, and I think one farted in the corner.  I’m pretty sure that last sentence is a lie, but I’m not positive.

I thought that would be it, but a little clip at the end showed four of the contestants playing a “prank” on one of the guys they didn’t like.  Meaty McGrunt, Tanny FitzSpikeHair, and Beef O’Brady “snuck up” on Schmucky Lugnutz—by running directly up to him—sprayed him with champagne and threw flour on him.  Which he promptly washed off by lowering himself in the pool.  In which he was already sitting.  That’s not a prank.  That’s a lack of creativity and impulse control.

And dammit, I’m going to watch it again next week.

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