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Jon and Kate Plus Hate: A Solemn Birthday Wish

June 2, 2009

Jon splits for the powder while Kate enjoys a birthday on her own and some spa treatment. What’s that, Kate? A birthday wish?

‘DON”T GET ANY ICING ON YOUR HANDS,YOU LITTLE MORONS!’

Yes, yes, we all get it. You’re an acting single mom with six five year olds and couple eight year olds, and it’s tough to keep an eye on everyone. But Jesus, lady, could you unwind for thirty seconds? Icing, best I’ve gathered, is made not of molten lava. Instead, it is made of delicious sugar and tastes divine. Let the kids smear about their hands and face. Christ. There’s a sink.

Anyway, Kate and the munchkins spent her birthday at some cake factory that everyone was supposed to recognize, and Kate fell madly in love with the boss, Guff or Tuff or McGruff or something. He was able to shout loud enough to silence the kids, so Kate immediately leapt into bed with him. That last part may not have happened.

Meanwhile, Jon went west to go skiing with his buddies and handicapped children. Jon, clearly attempting to deflect the obvious story line of absent father escaping on his wife’s birthday, did some service work with a child with cerebral palsy. Touching, to say the least.

“I just love helping people,” Jon panned. “It gives you a great feeling. My father…um…my father….doctor….retarded…devoted…(falls asleep).”

Jon spent just a few days on the mountain, and his explanation for it coinciding with Kate’s birthday made perfect sense: “It just worked out that way.”

Yes, a man with no job only has a few days a year when he can get out of his house and leave his eight children. Listen, Jon, you have eight kids. Ski trips are done. I’m engaged with no children and have to fight tooth and nail to play golf on the weekend.

Roles were reversed in the second hour, when Kate and one of the metal mouths took a trip out west to sunny San Diego for some spa treatment and complaining. Whilst in California, the little one befriended a couple of ducks who had just gotten married. The only other animals in attendance were the two squirrels from Office Space that had been wed.

The cameras were only allowed for a day of the four, so viewers only saw minimal activity from the two divas. They went to the spa. Kate loves the spa. Best of all, the trip made one of the twins love her mom, and that made it all worth it.

Back at home, Jon and the seven went on a walk through the woods to find some deer, but all they found were sticks to fall on and lips to bite through. Alexis, or someone, fell and bit through her lip, requiring a trip to the pediatrician—which Jon, to his credit, calmly handled.

In the end, everyone ate popsicles and went down the slide.

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