Daisy Of Love, The Gateway Drug

Daisy Of Love should be banned.  As a staunch First Amendment advocate, I don’t say this lightly.  But this show serves as nothing but a gateway to even more worthless TV, like Charm School, I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and any show starring Tila Tequila.  If The Bachelorette was my first drunk, Daisy of Love was my first joint.

VH1’s Daisy of Love, starring Daisy De La Hoya or Daisy Graves or Vanessa Mossman—I can’t get the internet to tell me her real name—was runner-up on Rock of Love 2, a show where aging Poison front-man Bret Michaels decided which ex- or current stripper he wanted to continue banging when the show ended.  So Daisy was the girl Bret almost wanted to screw after the cameras stopped rolling.

Somehow, Daisy got her own show where she chooses a boy toy from the following: Cage, Chi Chi, Professor, 6 Gauge, Brooklyn, Fox, 12 Pack, Sinister, 84-85-86 (Swedish triplets), Big Rig, London, Torch, Toolbox, Flipper, Weasel, Cable Guy, Flex, and Dropout.  These are not energy drinks or types of heroin—these are contestant nicknames.  Daisy makes the guys do all sorts of things, like sing punk versions of nursery rhymes, to win dates with her.  She specializes in flamboyant hand gestures; saying, “like”, “totally”, and “oh my god”; sucking face with (in her words) everyone in the house, especially London; and making bad choices.  Also, Daisy may currently own the largest breast-size to body-weight ratio in television, which could be the reason for her poor decision making:

Plastic surgeon:  “Daisy/Vanessa, you may not be the same after this surgery.  Your thought processes may be altered, your long-term prospects for success in the entertainment industry compromised.”

Daisy/Vanessa:  “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

PS:  “But having breasts this large will dramatically decrease blood flow to your cerebral cortex and could increase production of adrenal steroids, leaving you susceptible to faux-rockers with teased hair and guyliner and…”

D/V: “Steroids do not concern me, doctor.  I want those breasts, not excuses.”

One suspects that the show’s producers purposely focus on her gigantic rack, as it is always prominently featured.  When Daisy does her monologues, she wears a “top” (a small piece of shredded fabric) that covers, at most, 30% of her boobs.  Interestingly, during her to-the-camera commentary, she has what appears to be a 100,000 candlepower klieg light on her, which illuminates her face to the point where her eyes and mouth, when open, are the only discernible features.  This makes her look anywhere between 15 and 35 years old, which is maybe the point.

So I’ve started watching Daisy Of Love.  I’m trying to stop, but I feel I’ve started down a path from I which I cannot return.  Pray that my next post is not about Tool Academy.