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Jonesing For Jonas johnson? Not Until There’s a Ring on That Finger, Girl!

June 8, 2009

It wasn’t enough for the Jonas Brothers to be the youngest band ever to grace the cover of the venerable Rolling Stone magazine.  They also wear suits when they don’t have to, and embody moral purity in a position that 99.9% of guys would actually kill to occupy.  Quite soon they will solve cold fusion, invent affordable time travel (I’d like to change my bet from the Patriots to the Giants, please), and evolve into pure energy and beam themselves into Heaven.

But Momma Jonas keeps her sons tethered safely to the earth—“grounded”, it’s called, when famous people don’t act like complete jackasses.  In a recent interview, she seems to understand that having young women throwing themselves at you can be, well, tempting.  And if tempting weren’t bad enough, they could be tempted: “I don’t think they are above or below being seduced. I would be foolish if I thought that. I pray for them.”  Ma Jonas, there are probably young women praying to them right now.

Not to worry: the JBs have pledged—pledged!—to remain abstinent until marriage.  (I’d like to be clear: I have no problem with people who choose abstinence.  I personally have nothing against it except for the “no sex” part.)  But I’m pretty sure abstinence is extremely difficult when you’re young, rich, famous, hair-advantaged, and your fanbase consists mostly of millions of crazed teenage girls.  Hell, abstinence is difficult when it’s closing time and your only prospect is reinserting her glass eye.  But the Bros have their purity rings to remind them of their decision.

The article notes that “[p]urity rings aren’t foolproof.”  Correct.  That’s because they are rings.  That go on your finger.  They don’t involve reversible chemical castration or mechanical contraptions that lock up your junk until a justice of the peace hands you your marriage license.  So as long as the Jonas Brothers have unfettered working units, a purity ring will not be foolproof.

I’m not envious.  I’m no stranger to the type of attention these guys get: one time I was asked to dance by an inebriated divorcee at a honky-tonk bar, and another time a drunk college chick told me she wanted me right before she threw up in a trashcan.  So Nick, Kevin, and Joe—I know your pain.  But you guys have it easier: luckily, most of your fans are too young to have sex legally anyway.  If there’s one thing that will make you think twice about underage sex, it’s the prospect of having lots of the over-age, non-voluntary type in jail.   Heck, if you can save it for your wedding night, more power to you.  Apparently Tim Tebow has so far, much to the consternation of his teammate Percy Harvin.

But just wait until a Megan Fox or Jessica Alba takes a liking to you.   That will be a tough decision, and you’ll get no sympathy from us.

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