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I Somehow Seem To Lack the Cognitive Ability to Understand I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!

June 11, 2009

As we speak, it’s Day 11 of NBC’s strange, bizarre new season of I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!

And I present a humble disclaimer: I’m no “space scientist.” I don’t know a lot about “equations” or “hypotheses.” I’m fuzzy on “how genetics work,” “the periodic table,” and “what the sun is.” 

But I’ve yet to meet a reality show, of all things, that confounds me like NBC’s latest outing. For starters, it’s on almost every night, and it features some guy and a British lady randomly appearing at a campsite full of people and making them do things I also don’t understand. 

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s take this step by step. NBC, I hope you’re listening. Because I am very smart, and I’d like to point out some things to you.

1.) These people are not celebrities. They are, in no order of importance, people like Sanjaya, Stephen Baldwin, Lou Diamond Philips, Rod Blagojevich, and some people called “Frangela.” I would like to suggest that NBC place some quotation marks around the word “celebrity” in the show’s title, or at least some sort of winking internet face or something. This will undoubtedly help clear up much of the initial confusion many of your viewers have about what they’re watching.

2.)Why do people just keep showing up? Originally, I thought to myself “Okay, I can gather how this works. These people rough it in the jungle and, each week, or few days or something, one of them gets voted off.” But that’s not at all how it seems to work. Apparently, I was only partially right. People do get voted off, only to be replaced by someone of less importance than their predecessor. For instance, Heidi and Spencer Pratt quit the show and were replaced by Heidi’s sister Holly. Comedy duo Frangela was booted and replaced by Stephen Baldwin’s less popular Daniel Baldwin. If you are wondering “what must it feel like to be replaced, in anything, by Daniel Baldwin?” — I’m sure the answer is “crushing.” Now, of course, I have to keep watching. I have to know who replaces Daniel Baldwin when he leaves, because I’m pretty sure I will be looking at the saddest person in all of television.

3.) Almost every episode I’ve seen tells me that someone’s going to get voted off, but I never see that happen. The basic structure of the show, as I see it, is that these people have a very difficult time living in a small campsite that I presume to be only feet off the fairway of a Costa Rican golf course, and then occasionally a couple of hosts stop by and make them do a challenge. These challenges can be for either food or immunity, I think, and it’s the guys versus the girls, or maybe one color versus another color, or maybe just Daniel Baldwin versus crippling depression. I’m telling you, I really have no idea. And I, sadly, watch this program frequently.

4.) The show seems as if it was designed by people who have seen a lot of reality shows but have never interacted in the real world. It’s just a hodgepodge of devices from other shows. Here’s some video from home of your loved ones. Here’s a challenge of some sort. Here’s a phone number you should call to vote for someone. Here’s Janice Dickinson. It’s like someone opened the fridge and put everything into a pot. And as bad as it is, it’s a remake of a show that four other countries have shown. At this point, you might as well just re-air the Dutch series on NBC — I have as much interest in seeing John Salley compete against Sanjaya as I do watching Lizelotte van Dijk compete against Fajah Lourens. Who’s with me?

5.) Some things just make no sense whatsoever. You’ve probably heard Mario Lopez talking about how The Hills’ Heidi and Spencer Pratt quit the show, then returned, and then quit again. It was very clear to tell, by the incredulous tone in Lopez’s voice, that he couldn’t believe the craziness of those two! But here’s the most surreal thing that’s been on the show yet: the second time Heidi and Spencer asked to return, they were ordered to spend the night in the “Lost Chamber,” which is a shack rigged with devices to appear haunted. Yes, I’m being serious. It’s like this whole thing was created by monkeys.

I know it’s summer, but c’mon. Is this all you got, NBC? Thank God the NBA Finals are on; but they’ll end at some point. And I’m not sure if this show’s supposed to last forever, or have a winner, or if these people are there until they die in the woods. If you’re really hurting this badly for shows, just re-air Seinfeld reruns. Hell, bring back The Single Guy. You have to have something in the archives that’s better than giving Daniel Baldwin electric shocks in a Costa Rican jungle.

Actually…maybe you don’t have anything better than that.

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