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Note to Sting: Our Unconditional Love For You as a Society Will Wane Further if You Continue to Barrage Us With Medieval Music

June 18, 2009

Oh, Sting. What are we going to do with you?

You have no idea what a thrill I still get by hearing anything at all from the Police. And I’m even willing to let the whole Ten Summoner’s Tales album slide, even though I think everyone got a little tired of “Fields of Gold.” I’ll even go so far as to say that I forgive you for teaming with Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams for that “All For Love” song from The Three Musketeers (Ohhh, I get it…”One for all and all for love;” Bryan Adams wrote that one, didn’t he? You can tell me.)

But here, today, I’m reading that you’re preparing a new album of “carols and lullabies.” And I’m begging — nay, pleading — you: please, stop with the old-timey stuff.

Didn’t you see how excited everyone got when you got back together with Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers last year? People went crazy over that. Insane. Did that mean anything at all to you?

Have a seat, Sting. No, not there. That’s my seat. Sit here. Let’s just, for a minute, go over a few things you’ve done since the Police broke up. I don’t want to nitpick, of course. I mean, it’s perfectly acceptable, and practically the norm, for many musicians to make a departure album of some sort. You know, sate that burning desire to fulfill your need to play whatever type of sound you’re into at the time. I get that, really. But if you’ll just watch this power point presentation, I have a few notes. Reach back there and switch off those lights, will you? Thanks. Okay.

1985 – The Dream of the Blue Turtles: At this time, the Police had not officially broken up, but you guys decided you were free to do some solo stuff. And this album brought us “If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free.” A little saxophone-heavy, but that’s cool. And I know you were all wrapped up in the Live Aid thing around then, so I can understand the Graceland-style video. It’s a little mid-eighties jazz-infused pop, alright. I can dig that. Nice job.

1987 – Nothing Like the Sun: Let’s be honest. This one wasn’t terrific. I mean, “Englishman in New York” was okay. But then, and here’s one of the first major moments you jumped the track a little, you released half of that album sung in Portuguese. Look, I don’t know Portuguese, but I do recognize it as a language that a great deal of our world speaks, and I’m sure they appreciated it. But this marks the first time you fly off the coil a little. Still, I’ll give it to you. An interesting notion.

1998 – An Appearance in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels: Hey, you’re back! You’re doing cool stuff again!

2002 – The Love Theme from Kate & Leopold: …And back to doing stuff like this again.

2006 – Songs From the Labyrinth: This is really important, Sting, so pay attention. We adore you so much that we are willing to sit back and take it as you deliver a full album of Elizabethan-era lute music. The lute, Sting? It’s like you’re trying to drive us away. It’s like being at a great dinner party when the host starts clearing off the table and yawning noticeably and exaggeratively stretching his arms as if he’s tired and it’s time to go.

2007 – The Police Reunion: Alright! Finally! Wait, it’s over already? But…we…

2009 – If On a Winter’s Night: …and back to “traditional songs from the British Isles.”

Listen, Sting. I’m going to lay it all out on the line. You are one of the music world’s most endearing and beloved musicians, and you have been since the 1980’s. Roxanne? Message in a Bottle? Don’t Stand So Close to Me? All-time classics! Just please, please, for the love of God, go back to doing something accessible, something we can all get behind. Because we want to love you. You just have to let us. What? You brought a nineteenth-century reed recorder and you want to play some Scandinavian folk music? Now? Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said?

Alright. Fine. Let’s hear it. But only because you’re Sting.

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