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It Has Been Foretold: Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady Are Having a Child

June 21, 2009

(Warning: this article contains umlauts, and has come into contact with other diacritic marks.)

“…And the Hurler of orbs covered in the Hide of Swine shall consort with She Who Wears Fake Angel Wings, and together They shall conceive The One who brings balance to the Spheres…”

–Nostradamus, from Chicken Soup for the Prognosticator’s Soul

Nietzsche’s Übermensch, the “overman” who will transcend human-ness, is perhaps now being carried in the womb of Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen.  With Tom Brady, who has a habit of getting attractive women pregnant but can probably afford the child support, as a father and Gisele Bündchen as a mother, the baby will undoubtedly have a major advantage in the physiology department, as well as a severe Oedipus/Electra complex.

Since Brangelina’s children appear to be merely human, Brandchen’s progeny becomes Humanity’s last best hope to knock Jon and/or Kate off of the cover of People, though it will be early 2010 before this is possible.  (Perhaps Bündchen would consider inducing.)  This child has the potential to be the best- looking, most athletic person ever, and could dominate magazine covers, The View, and Ellen for years, maybe decades.  Perhaps the Scion Of The Two will herald the coming of a race of super-beings who will usher in a new Pax Universalis.  Or at least save Michigan football.

Given the inevitable rule of the Bündchen–Brady child, let me be the first to sycophantically congratulate the couple on the impending birth, and I offer my services as stall-keep for their stable of unicorns and gryphons.

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