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Jon and Kate Plus Hate: The Reckoning

June 23, 2009

So here we are, now aimlessly paddling through the carnage of a discombobulated marriage, searching one iota of good that still exists. Alas, it will not be unearthed here. Last night, our sweet, sleepy prince and his dashing, suddenly busty bride announced their lives will continue untethered.

(Note: Use of “untethered” is to represent lack of connection to one another. To be fair, their lives have been untethered for quite some time, as they both float around, not really doing anything.)

Last night began like any other: the brood, still cute and bubbly, received what every child of divorcing parents so desperately wants. Each designed his or her own little fortress of solitude, a place to go and rest their sun-catchers as they wait for the shine of parental love to burn bright once more. One of the older girls made her house haunted. That’s a bad sign.

The activity was a success. Everyone happy, laughing, and divorcing. The youngn’s even saw a bear! At least, they said it was a bear. It could of been a squirrel. Or a tree. God, kids are so stupid. The real story, of course, came later. Jon, finally allowed to sit on the interview couch without a permission slip, barfed out the couple’s plans to separate. After producer’s flipped Kate’s plastic switch located inside the small of her back to “wet face,” the unemployed, young, single mother of eight (holy fuck, eight) sat on the couch and fired steely glances about. She then began her comedy routine, which doubled as pandering for sympathy among the god-fearing that believed Kate’s bullshit shtick about being spiritual or whatever she does at churches to make money.

Kate, now spewing her venom laced with self-righteousness, said something about smiling on the outside and crying on the inside. The producers, knowing that “smile head” had been deactivated from Kate’s wiring years ago, set about to find footage of Kate ever smiling on the outside. The closest thing they found was a clip of Kate maniacally laughing after the childrens’ hands were successfully sanitized.

So now, the kids. Kate announced that the kids will be living in “their house,” which I assume means the little misshapen structures occupying the back acre. Which leads to an important question: Will all eight get the $8,000 tax credit for first-time home buyers? I think there’s a compelling argument that suggests they should.

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