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Van Halen Sues Nike, Commits Career Suicide–Wait That’s Already Happened

June 24, 2009

Throughout my life, I’ve had a special relationship with Eddie Van Halen.  Eddie was something of an older brother to me, much like Wayne Arnold or Willis Jackson.  He took care of me and looked out for me, even though we’d never met.  When I was a youngling trying to make sense out of the strange feelings I was experiencing at school, he and his buddy Dave gave me “Hot for Teacher” and let me know my lust for Mrs. Arbogast was OK.  When I needed a song to get my feelings across to a girl at the eighth-grade dance, my big bro Eddie brought his pal Sammy and gave me “Why Can’t This Be Love” to help me bridge the communication gap.  When I was 15 and really needed to sneak out of the house to go to my first real rock concert, Eddie went on tour just for me and played Nashville so I’d have a concert to attend.  Through all the key points in my life, Eddie has always been there.

I tried to return the favor earlier in the decade, when he went through his divorce from my ex-girlfriend Valerie Bertinelli.  As soon as I heard Eddie was a bachelor again, I jetted to L.A. to provide my support.  But Eddie, always the selfless big bro, knew that I was missing precious work and class time so he pretended he didn’t know me and even called the cops on me to get me back home pronto.  That’s just the kind of guy Ed is.

So it’s with a heavy heart that I announce to you, dear readers, that I have let my big brother down.  Little did you know that Eddie Van Halen reads this blog. Religiously. How do I know, you ask?  Well isn’t it obvious?  Eddie has gone off the reservation and sued Nike, claiming the design of their new shoe infringes on the copyrighted design of his sort-of famous Frankenstrat guitar.  Nike has officially responded to the lawsuit, stating “Eddie Van Halen is a lush and a has-been.  LeBron James himself designed this shoe and we all know that LeBron doesn’t even know what a Van Halen is.  In fact, we asked him and LeBron thought it was the name of that horrible Hugh Jackman movie.”

Anyway, back to my sorrow.  I’m sure by now you see the connection.  Last week I wrote a rather harsh post threatening to sue Chris Martin.  Obviously, Eddie read that post and knew that I’d lose a lot of money because hey, who sues Chris Martin and wins?  And since Ed has squandered any money he has on the sweet sauce, he’s gotta pay my legal bills somehow, hence the Nike lawsuit.  Now I am burdened with a guilt so large it’s got it’s own zip code.  So I’m posting it here for all the world to see:  Eddie, please back down!  I’ll give up my lawsuit if you give up yours.  Let’s go back to the way things used to be, you know where I create an awkward social situation and you create a song that describes it.   I know my life has become a weird microcosm of your career lately, but I promise to suck it up and live better if you do.  Let’s be brothers again.  But there is one small thing I need to tell you…about Valerie…well never mind.

Beards Rock!

There’s evidently a long list of things that rock.  Cleveland is on that list, as is the new Kiss album.  Tyler Durden–check. Lloyd Dobler–check.  Now you can add one more thing to that list ladies and gents:  beards.  Yep, little did you know that the Macho Man Randy Savage was actually ahead of his time.  The Current recently did some lookin’ around and let me tell you, there is a LOT of facial hair happening on the indie rock scene.  Don’t believe me?  Check out Seattle’s the Fleet Foxes,  take a gander at Iron & Wine’s Sam Beam or My Morning Jacket’s Jim James.  Bearded ones are taking over the music scene in an unprecedented way and I for one think it’s long overdue.  Gone are the unenlightened days when we saw beards as a mark of social ineptitude.  No, beard is the new tattoo in my book and I’m sure you agree.  Just ask the British, who have long recognized the special needs of bearded ones.  This just in, TV On The Radio’s Kyp Malone has decided to form a new group with his beard, named Rain Machine.  You think I’m joking, don’t you?  Take that! You can take all my words to the bank baby!  No word yet on when production will begin on the long-awaited Cornell West biopic, in which Kyp will play the starring role.  We’ll keep you posted.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Not to be outdone by the recent attention garnered by the Public Enemy reunion tour, daisy-lovin tripsters De La Soul have decided to go on a reunion tour of their own.  And with a 20-piece band no less!  Not just any band, mind you, but the fabulous Rhythm Roots All-Stars.  Oh, how I long for the innocent days of the pre-Chronic hip-hop scene, when the crowd used to say “Ho!” and then say “Ho! Ho!” and all you needed was a jimmy hat.  Back when Will Smith was just a skinny rapper from Philly and the worst fued in rap was LL Cool J versus Kool Moe Dee.  But thanks to RCRD LBL’s Hillary Kaylor, I can relive all those memories in about 3.5 minutes by watching Positive K’s classic “I Got A Man”, the best old-school rap video featuring totally dorky LSU gear that has ever been made. A-B-C-ya!

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