Reality Seems Blurry Out of Perez Hilton’s Sore Right Eye

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton was clocked on Monday night outside of the MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto. The alleged culprit is Black Eyed Peas’ tour manager Polo Molina. Molina has been charged with assault and will appear in Toronto’s Old City Hall Court on August 5.

These are the facts… but let us dive into this bizarre chain of events to discuss perception, reality and how some people don’t know the difference. Grab your pipe and join me by the fireplace, won’t you?

Perez Hilton has apparently been popular for years. I won’t pretend to have always been familiar with his body of work or all the good he does for our society. However, after Mr. Hilton (whose real name is Mario Lavandeira) found himself in the middle of a national controversy at last April’s Miss USA Pageant when he asked Miss California Carrie Prejean about same-sex marriages. What ensued made him a household name.

Hilton, an openly gay man, did not get the copout pageant answer he expected from Prejean. At that moment, it was difficult to gauge who was more shocked: Hilton at Prejean’s answer or the at-home viewers who just realized Perez Hilton was famous enough to be tapped as a judge for the Miss USA pageant.

So I started to do a little research. And by “research” I meant that I logged on and read this ass bag’s blog. Let me break it down for you, this guy is famous for taking picture of celebrities and drawing on them. For example, I stumbled upon a picture of Lance Armstrong walking down the street. Hilton thought it would be awesome to draw a picture of a penis with just one testicle overtop Armstrong’s photo.

This guy is a riot! What’s next? Drawing a Polaroid picture in the hand of Muhammed Ali?

I digress. Back to the happenings in Toronto.

As the story goes, will.i.am approached Hilton outside the venue and asked him to stop writing about his band. Hilton recalls a particularly scary moment when will.i.am had the nerve to ask Hilton to respect him!

“He was like, ‘You need to respect me,’ Hilton said. “He was obviously trying to intimidate me and scare me.”

Yes, there was that one time I asked for some respect from an acquaintance and they ran and cowered in the corner. A request of respect has been a bullying tactic for centuries.

Words continued to get heated and Hilton did what any reasonable gay man would do. He called will.i.am a “faggot”… twice. This was caught on tape.

What wasn’t caught as clearly on tape were the minutes after the exchange when Polo Molina allegedly punched Hilton. Hilton, obviously dazed and in need of IMMEDIATE assistance, again, did what any reasonable man would do. He tweeted for help. Yes, he asked for help via his Twitter account.

Now, I am not what one would consider a “Twitter Guy” but I ask for a little latitude as I attempt to break down this message.

“I’m in shock.” (But not in enough shock to keep me from logging onto my twitter account)

“I need the police ASAP.” (So, instead of calling the police myself, I thought the most efficient thing to do would be tweet at 4 a.m. and hope that some reads it and calls the police for me)

“Please… I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards.” (Yes, will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas, not will.i.am that you went to high school with)

“I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.” (OK, maybe I am not bleeding. Maybe it is just my red hair dye running down my face, but either way I am not missing this 15 minutes of fame so get me a cop already.)

What both will.i.am and Perez Hilton did next is proof of the times in which we live… they both video blogged about the mêlée/misunderstanding.

Hilton kicked things off by video blogging his side of the story first, just a short time after the scuffle. With eyes bloodshot, from crying uncontrollably – not getting punched mind you, Hilton blogged a 12-minute indictment of all things Black Eyed Peas. Including my favorite part where he states that Fergie would not be pleased with their actions had she been there… even though she is a “fugly bitch.”

Will.i.am countered with a lucid and succinct denial of Hilton’s accusation via his posted video. As it turns out, will.i.am was telling the truth and never laid a Boom Boom Pow on anyone other than your local Top 40 station.

The following day, Toronto PD put all pressing matters on hold to get to the bottom of this international incident. They charged Polo Molina with assault and that is where we stand. UNTIL…

The next day, GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) stepped in and did what they do best: demand an apology! However, in an ironic twist, the apology they sought was from Hilton.

Hilton, proving to be the stand-up guy that he claims to be, told GLAAD to shove it. He refused to apologize for this derogatory slur and stressed that the media labeled him “flamboyant” and that he was “clearly not homophobic” as his reasoning. I’m sure that explanation was helpful to people who couldn’t grasp both points by the banner he plasters on his website stating that he is “The Queen of all Media.”

Since the incident, all Hollywood-types have reveled in the misfortune of Hilton… publicly. They have basked in the glow of Hilton’s self-destruction.

The story took a new twist this morning and, as our Entertation Index alerted you, Hilton apologized today. Then, he was certain to explain to us that the apology was actually sincere.

“I am sorry. And I mean it. No one is forcing me to write this.” (Well, that is nice of him to clarify.)

In the past few days, Hilton has walked in the shoes of those he has repeatedly bullied from behind a keyboard and the latest edition of Photoshop. Hilton has shouldered his way into a celebrity world without having any discernible talent that I can tell. He seems to have made a living mocking those in the limelight and gathered a following that has placed him there as well.

Perez Hilton seemed to abandon his morals years ago so he could feed from the celebrity trough. Welcome to the party. I hope it is everything you thought it would be.