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Don’t Look Evan Rachel Wood in the Eyes or You Will Lose Your Soul

June 27, 2009

OK, let’s get this out of the way right now. Evan Rachel Wood could completely destroy me one-on-one.  Not even close folks.  She’s a black belt in some really hard martial art, taekwondo or aikido or some such.  There is no way in high heaven I would have any chance to take her out other than to squeal like a pig in a desperate attempt to burst her eardrums.

How do I know all this?  Let me clue you in on a little secret:  Evan Rachel Wood can manipulate the fundamental forces of reality.  Dude, if she can think it, it can happen.  I know it sounds wacky but let me tell you it’s true.  First, she had the ability to completely wig out none other than Marylin Manson himself.  In 2006, she used her mind-control powers to force Manson to dump then-wife Dita Von Teese.  Then sometime around Christmas 2008–after she had sucked his life-essence dry–she cast him aside and moved on, causing the otherwise level-headed Manson to perform acts of self-mutilation by calling her 158 times and slicing his face or arms each time he called.

Now, controlling the mind of a whacked-out death metal has-been is one thing, heck I might even be able to do that on a good day.  But her next feat is much more impressive.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you none other than the U in U2, Bono himself.  Yes, you heard it here first:  Evan Rachel Wood now controls the mind of the world’s premier aging rocker and with it she controls approximately half of the world economy and a large box of sunglasses.

Wood let this little piece of gossip slip in an interview with Rolling Stone this week, where she outlines how she took over Bono’s concious mind during preparations for her upcoming role as Mary Jane Watson in the new Spider-Man musical.  Here’sa quote:  “I was making jokes going ‘Watch by the end of this I’ll be telling them what to do.’  And by the end I was!”  Ms. Wood goes on to explain how she told Bono that the music for Spider-Man would have to rely heavily on gypsy accordian polka, to which he promptly agreed.  She then told him to bend down and lick her toes one by one, sure enough she got the spit-shine treatment.  Then she convinced him that U2 could make a strong comeback this year by playing the Today show…and we all know how that turned out.

TBTS, Newly-Minted Celebrity Internet Hangout

Here at the Brown Tweed Society, we try hard not to toot our own horn, or anyone else’s for that matter that’s just gross.  But it’s getting harder and harder to hide our growing list of celebrity readers under a bushel.  Earlier this week we outed Eddie Van Halen as a huge fan of the site.  Next up, I’ve identified the indie rock band MGMT as devout followers as well.  Last week, we put the word out that none other than Paul McCartney wanted to talk to them about a collaboration.  Thankfully, MGMT had their computer on when that post went up and now Pitchfork is reporting that the dynamic duo will open for Macca in Boston in August. Although they can’t credit our website directly for obvious legal reasons, I think the quote from Sir Paul says it all:  “I can’t call them.  If they called me, I’d say ‘How did you get my number?'”  Hey Paul, you don’t have to blather about it anymore, you’re welcome.

What’s In A Name?  Evidently Not A Lot of Thought

Keep your eyes open for a new George Harrison tribute EP from none other than My Morning Jacket’s bearded wonder Jim James.  It appears that the loveable furry James recorded 6 tracks right after Harrison’s death in November 2001 and has chosen to release them now.  For any of you looking to purchase this little ditty, creatively titled “Tribute To”, it comes out on August 4.  But one very important tidbit–if you look in the “J” section of your local record store for this album, you’ll be sorely disappointed.  Why?  Because young master James decided to record under a moniker for this one folks.  For this record, Jim James will be none other than “Yim Yames”.  It seems that James heard how my 4-year-old pronounces his name and must have like the way it rolled off the tongue.  That, or “Merlin Olsen” was taken.  Anyway, for those interested in hearing this product, head on over to (I feel silly just typing that) where you can download “Behind That Locked Door”.

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  1. I Don’t Mean to Brag, But… « The Brown Tweed Society

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