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Kid Rock’s Economic Recovery Plan: Drink More Beer

July 1, 2009

I can’t even believe I’m writing this:  Kid Rock plans on marketing and distributing his own brand of beer called Bad Ass Beer.  File it under “You Should Have Seen This One Coming.”  Mr. Rock, currently on his “Hillbilly Heaven” tour with a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band, intends to drink nothing but his own beer for the entire time he’s on tour, 3 meals a day 24-7.  Rock calls his strange brew an “everyday beer” (a term beloved by alcoholics everywhere) and he also vows that his beer will revive the Michigan economy that has been hit hard recently by problems with its signature automotive industry.  Kid tells the Brown Tweed Society in an exclusive interview:  “Hey, I can sell more beer than Chrysler can sell cars…and cheaper too!”  Yep, it’s Kid Rock vs. the Recession!  And the Kid’s weapon of choice?  None other than the suds itself, the nectar of the gods, the soon-to-be-everywhere Kid Rock Beer.    I kid you not.

Jewel has officially joined the Kid in the fight against the Recession by mounting a media blitz the likes of which have not been seen since Dustin Diamond’s assault on our collective retinas.  Jewel’s bid to stimulate the economy involve very sophisticated media management techniques like posting bikini pics of herself on Twitter and joining Rascall Flatts as a “celebrity chef” at chic eating establishment Denny’s.  According to Jewel’s publicist, Denny’s won the bidding war for her services over Steak N Shake and Rallys.  When asked about the the utter failure slow start of Jewel’s last marketing ploy, the Intuition razor, Jewel’s publicist responded: “Look food is always a better investment that razor blades.  Everybody eats, not everybody shaves. Plus, try slitting your wrists with a roll of salami.”

Shorties

  • As if being a footnote in musical history wasn’t punishment enough, the Australian band Men at Work were recently slapped with a copyright infringement lawsuit.  Word is that the flute riff in the band’s signature song Down Under was lifted from a children’s song penned in 1934.  The plaintiff in the lawsuit, Larrikin Music, alleges they bought the copyright to the children’s song after the original author died, but reports are that they cannot prove their claim. There is a ray of hope as the plaintiffs have agreed to settle for a lifetime supply of vegemite sandwiches.
  • The Beastie Boys announced recently that they will release their new album The Hot Sauce Committee Part 1 on September 15th.  The Beasties collaborate with Nas and Santigold on the album, which will be released via conventional release methods.  The forthcoming Hot Sauce Committee Part 2 could potentially be an internet-only release and will feature a heavy sample of oldskool rapper/folk singer Bob Dylan.
  • Disclaimer:  I wouldn’t even be commenting on this if it weren’t so freakishly scary.  Mariah Carey loses any hotness factor she regained with her new album cover by dressing up like Eminem in her new video.  Pardon me while I hurl.
  • Finally, I’ve purposely not commented on the death of Michael Jackson, mainly because I don’t think I could say anything any better than Matt did earlier.  But I do want to share two things with you.  First, if you are any kind of MJ fan at all, you’ll check out this cover of “I Wanna Be Where You Are” by Erykah Badu and the Roots.  It is flat-out amazing.  Second, be glad you’re not DJ Cobra.  Peace out!

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