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I Demand Immediately That Jennifer Aniston Disclose the Secret Source of Her Massive Power

July 2, 2009

Jennifer Aniston is pretty damn adorable. I don’t think anyone would dispute that. In fact, if adorableness were gold, I’d say that Jennifer Aniston would be worth quite a bit of gold. And with all that metaphorical gold, naturally, would come respect and leverage. So let’s say, then, that Jennifer Aniston’s adorableness, if translated into money and influence, yields her a fair modicum of clout. You good with that? Okay.

According to Forbes, Jennifer Aniston is the eighth most powerful celebrity in the world.

I’m not even talking about the special edition Forbes: Alternate Reality. I’m talking “real life” Forbes, which has Jennifer Aniston, who used to be really famous when she was on Friends, ranked just below Steven Spielberg. Yes, that Steven Spielberg.

Want some more context to my crackpot claims about things I read in Forbes Magazine? Here are the celebrities that rank above Jennifer Aniston, according to the July “Celebrity 100” issue: 1. Angelina Jolie, 2. Oprah Winfrey, 3. Madonna, 4. Beyonce, 5. Tiger Woods, 6. Bruce Springsteen, 7. Spielberg.

Apparently I missed the news that Jennifer Aniston possesses some type of machine that controls the weather, with which she’s holding Hollywood hostage, because there is no way that Jennifer Aniston has earned any of this. I’ll give her Friends. Okay. Big, big hit. But let’s look at some of her “giant hits” since her days as Rachel Green. Behold the magnificence of:

Picture Perfect

Rock Star

Derailed

Rumor Has It

The Break-Up

I’m willing to give a nod to Office Space, Bruce Almighty and Marley & Me (one being a solid comedy, the other two being at least moderately high-grossing family-type films). But you’d think that the eighth most powerful celebrity in Hollywood would demand results. You want results?

Aniston’s latest film, Management, opened 16th in the country on it’s debut weekend this past May. Stand back, everybody!

Forbes apparently tabulated their crazy, babbling celebrity list based on several topics:  Web Ranking, which calculates searches on the web and web mentions for a celebrity (hello if you’re watching, Forbes!); Press Ranking, which is based on the number of times the celebrity is featured on the cover of 25 major consumer magazines, TV Ranking, which means the number of times a celebrity is mentioned on TV or Radio, and Pay per year. (You’ll be pleased to know that Miss Aniston makes $25 million, more than multi-Grammy winner Kanye West, multi-Oscar winner George Clooney and multi-Oscar winner Meryl Streep.)

While Aniston is ranked 62nd in pay, she clocks in at 21st with press mentions and 6th with web mentions. This would mean that, in essence, Aniston is only famous because she just is, and only powerful because she is famous. Period. Don’t ask questions. It doesn’t matter that her movies are widely panned (hey, not every movie can be as brilliant and acclaimed as Along Came Polly, okay?). It doesn’t matter that she really doesn’t even make that many movies (three in the last three years). It only matters that she got famous, once, and now a lot of people take pictures of her. Pictures of her with John Mayer. Pictures of her with Vince Vaughn. A nation is constantly teetering on the edge with the latest news of whether she’ll ever forgive Angelina. Why should she do anything? She’s got the best gig in Hollywood. And obviously, the eighth most powerful gig in the entire celebrity world.

In all fairness, though, we shouldn’t aim our vitriol at Jennifer Aniston. The truth is that she’s just a pawn in a much larger and depressing phenomenon. In today’s entertainment culture, you don’t even really need to do anything to be famous. The more pictures are taken of you, the more eyeballs that see you, the more you act cute on Oprah, the more you date other people who have pictures taken of them, the more important you are. And that’s not just embellishment. You seriously, legitimately are more important. It’s all right there in the pages of Forbes

Want a little more context? Director Ron Howard ranked 45th, Writer/Actress Tina Fey came in 86th, and the great Martin Scorsese didn’t even make the list. What a loser

Maybe, if he’s lucky, Jennifer will toss a little something Marty’s way. You know, for the effort.

2 Comments
  1. May 11, 2010 10:34 am

    There have been tons of mean comments about Jennifer Aniston doing the rounds on the internet of late. I believe she looks wonderful, particularly following losing a few kilos.

  2. September 12, 2010 4:51 am

    Jennifer Aniston is a wonderful woman and deserves happiness and the success she already has and more.

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