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Fred Durst, Flipping Us Off One Finger At A Time

July 8, 2009
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I guess I need to apologize up front, folks.  I feel like I’m taking the easy road on this one, kind of like walking up to the target and putting a bullet point-blank in the center.  But I swear I don’t make this stuff up!  Well, OK–I do make some of this stuff up, but let’s just keep that between us shall we?  It’s better that way.

Lost amongst the tall weeds of the many Michael Jackson stories of the past two weeks is this:  When Fred Durst speaks, stupid words come out.  I mean, didn’t someone put some sort of gag order on him?  I haven’t heard from this guy in years and all of the sudden he’s all over the place–and unfortunately for us he’s waxing philosophical on a variety of topics.  Maybe “philosphical” is too strong a word…let’s try “idiotical” instead?  “Moronical”?  C’mon Fred, we know you’ve got words, help a brother out here.

Let’s step back to the middle of June, when the Limp Bizkit reunion tour was scheduled to play Vegas during a huge Ultimate Fighting Championship bout.  During an interview with Rolling Stone, Durst made it clear that he wouldn’t let LB play just any old fight:  “I wouldn’t support Limp Bizkit  being on some snuff, backyard brawling fighting contest.”  OK Fred, let me get this straight, if you’re fine with LB playing UFC what kind of fight crosses the line?  Midget cockfighting?  Elderly women jello-wrestling?  I mean, it’s good to know you’ve got morals and all but don’t you think this is a little arbitrary?  Last time I checked the UFC website, they promoted their fights as “the best snuff, backyard brawling fighting contest you’ll ever see.”  What’cha got to say about that?

Next, Durst lets us know that his whacked-out persona is due in part to childhood ridicule over his taste in music.  “I loved the Cure and Bauhaus and and the Smiths.  The people in my town weren’t privy to that kind of music and I got abused.  I discovered the microphone to get out some of that angst.”  Newsflash Fred: all Cure fans have angst.  Of course, Robert Smith took out his angst by wearing makeup and writing sad beautiful songs.  You dealt with your angst by inciting riots.  Way to take the moral high ground, buddy.

And then there’s this little gem where Durst explains that he has a “phobia” against voting and that he didn’t vote in the last Presidential election.  Now I’ve got no problem with that, I sometimes get terrified when I vote for things too.  Where I get a little lost is when Durst explains his fear of voting by saying: “I know it’s not responsible, but I’ve voted for a lot of things besides the President – lots of things that have changed children’s lives and the planet’s life.”  The reporter then points out that the planet’s “life” spans billions of years and asks Durst what he “voted” for that would directly affect the “life” of the planet.  To which Durst replied:  “Well I voted one time in an online poll for my favorite Playmate of the Year.  Can’t tell you my vote, though, that’s against my morality.”  When pressed about how that particular vote helped the planet, Durst responded: “Man you don’t read Playboy do you?”

Finally, Durst was asked about the new Limp Bizkit album that is in production.  Durst explains the new album with typical crystal-clear thinking.

Reporter:  So Fred tell us about the new album.

Durst:  The style is not going to disappoint any true, hardcore Limp Bizkit fans.  But it also isn’t going to alienate anyone else who is going to discover Limp Bizkit for the first time. It’s kinda going to change the game a little bit, but still stay Limp Bizkit — if that makes any sense.

Reporter:  No Fred that doesn’t make any sense at all.  So you’re going to change by staying the same, is that it?

Durst:  Yeah, money!  You got it right G.  The best way to change is not to change at all!

So here’s to you, Fred Durst.  Your egotistical drivel and impeccable taste in facial hair styles has ensured your place in faded rock star history.  Your ability to be incredibly dense and make statements that prove your denseness at the same time is something to be proud of.  It’s good that you’re booking shows in Vegas now, because you’re about 15 minutes away from being a lounge act.  I’d suggest making a few calls to Branson just in case your Vegas gig falls through–I hear the Oak Ridge Boys need an opening act.

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