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Alaska Is A Lot Like Melrose Place

July 10, 2009

I like to consider myself a pretty worldly guy. I try to keep up with current events. I like to travel. I read The Brown Tweed Society. But, apparently, I was a little off on my perception of Alaska. Alaska is the coolest place in the country… and I don’t just mean temperature-wise.

Sarah Palin – and all that surrounds Palin these days – has made the largest state in the union a hotbed for drama, excitement, turmoil and deceit. America’s “Last Frontier” now carries itself like a Lifetime Movie. Palin’s recent resignation as Alaska’s highest elected official has caused rumors to fly… and since Juneau is the One Tree Hill of American politics, no one seems to be surprised.

As TBTS wrote a few weeks ago, Palin has desperately been trying to hold onto her celebrity status. Picking a fight with David Letterman extended her 15 minutes of fame, but that was only temporary. Staying relevant is a full-time job (ask Lindsey Lohan). It was going to take more effort… effort that was being hindered by her elected position.

How is she expected to concentrate on her own personal ventures when her constituents are always making demands on her time? Can’t a girl get some personal time to publish a book or go on The Rachel Ray Show?

The newest twist in this compelling story comes to us courtesy of Levi Johnston. The father of Palin’s grandchild, Johnston released a statement Thursday that claimed Palin’s resignation was about taking advantage of the lucrative deals coming her way.

Johnston, currently working as a carpenter, is also chasing the taste of fame, claiming to be an aspiring actor and wanting a book deal of his own. Last time a carpenter got a book deal it ended up being a huge seller, but I don’t think Jesus ever made it in Hollywood. One of two ain’t bad.

Since the resignation and allegations, Palin has emerged to defend her choices. And she did it in a way as to exude rural earnestness… while wearing overalls. She claimed that “one term was enough.” Someone obviously forgot to tell her that the length of term is four years and she came up 18 months short.

All-in-all, everything will work out in the end. Palin will probably get her book deal and the public will no longer be subjected to the uncomfortable feeling of watching her squirm through an interview.

So god speed, Sarah Palin. We only regret that we didn’t reach the story arc where we find out Bristol is really the illegitimate love-child of a bad boy from your past just before you get amnesia in a snow mobile accident.

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