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TFLN: American Colleges’ Best Marketing Ploy Yet

July 14, 2009

Hello, Tucker. Or Porter, or Dachshund, or whatever your stupid name is now, high school graduate at large. (And by the way, if you’ve not yet begun taking offense to my constant badgering of your name, start now. Your parents are assholes. Unless, of course, Fitzgerald is a family name or something.) A great, life-changing decision looms for you, and perhaps you’re thinking, ‘why waste four to seven years of my life at Big State U. when I can start work at my dad’s firm now and make tons of money for doing jack shit until I’m promoted, alienating all the other people that work there?’

Cursory Internet research will unfurl the numerous reasons why college should be your next step—and you only need to visit one site: texts from last night. A Web-sensation since its inception in February, TFLN documents text messages, presumably from college kids, sent, well, last night. Some of them are witty, others desperate, but they all have one thing in common: they display just how worthless you can be in college.

The messages are basically the same, just with different wording, from night to night. Stuff like, ‘he bought me two drinks. His reward: anal’ or ‘smoked a bowl and fell asleep next to the door waiting for pizza’ or ‘we had sex and his friends watched. Weird OMG!’

The documentation represents college life exactly how it was, at least for those that didn’t attend tiny liberal arts colleges in central Kentucky. You go to class every once in a while, sleep with all your friends, and fill your head with every drug you can get your hands on. You might learn some shit, as well, but what’s the difference? Daddy’s job will always be waiting.

Plus, if you’re still to worthless to start work after being handed your degree, you can still backpack through Europe or something for a year.

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