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Inflection Point in the Baldwin Family Fortunes? Stephen Files for Bankruptcy

July 23, 2009

The youngest Baldwin recently filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, claiming $2.3 million in debts with substantially fewer assets, including a New York property worth “only” $1.1 million.  (To be fair, a $1.1 million NY property is probably a 600 square-foot single-room efficiency with leaking pipes, lead-based paint, and meth-dealing neighbors.)  This shouldn’t surprise us, and simply highlights the financial planning pitfall that wiped out so many Americans’ nest-eggs: betting your retirement on Pauly Shore.  Savvier investors minimized exposure to Pauly-centric funds by diversifying into Will Ferrell, Sasha Baron Cohen, and other curly-haired comedians (even Carrot Top, who is now too freakishly ripped to ignore), but Stephen used his Usual Suspects pay to double down on Biodome royalty checks.  Big mistake.  Stephen, and the rest of movie-viewing America, has paid dearly.

It looked like he might get back on his feet with a small part as McGayver Smoker in Half Baked, a movie featuring characters Sir Smoke-A-Lot, Mary Jane Potman, Squirrel Master, Bong Genie, Pothead, Pothead (yes, two of them), and Talking Joint.  But it was not to be.  While Alec was busy being awesome in Saturday Night Live skits, 30 Rock, and cool movies; and Billy was having screen sex with Cindy Crawford and Sharon Stone and being in Dirty Sexy Money; poor Stephen scrambled for roles in Scar City, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Dark Storm, Earthstorm, and Deadrockstar.  (The latter two had such budget problems that producers had to eliminate spaces from the titles.)  A much-publicized conversion to Christianity hinted at an attempt at stability but his “HM” tattoo, which stands for “Hannah Montana”—no, for real—spoke otherwise.

Perhaps the final straw: Stephen quit I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here!, a completely incomprehensible reality TV show, because of bug bites.  And being the less likable Baldwin when Daniel is the other one indicates it’s time to call it quits and get your house in order.  (Note to Baptists about Stephen’s failure to convert Janice Dickinson: please understand that you actually dodged a bullet by not convincing her.  Really, how much have Heidi and Spencer done for your cause?)

I can’t blame you, Stephen.  It’s time for a fresh start, but be smart about it.  If Dane Cook comes a-callin’ with the “role of a lifetime”, sleep on it.

  1. July 23, 2009 6:25 pm

    I actually don’t have a thing to say about Stephen Baldwin, but I’m stunned and disturbed to see that Carrot Top is the new Joe Piscopo.

    This is no compliment, but maybe someone can mention him in a song and set him off on an epic roid rage like Tom Petty set off Piscopo. It would likely be the funniest thing Carrot Top has ever done.


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