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Brown Tweed Gossip Sheet: George Clooney Still Dating!

July 30, 2009

In a week when no one important dies and both Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton remember to wear underwear in public (note: this combination of events is statistically impossible, and is used here only for illustrative purposes), the entertainment media has a tough time earning their keep.  In a pinch, they turn to their old stand-by story: who is George Clooney dating?  This changes as frequently as Dairy Queen Blizzard flavors, so it’s a great fall-back story.  In the past, rather than actually report stuff, In Touch and the like would simply fire up some scooters or a helicopter and search the landscape for Clooney’s heat signature.  More often than not, the “reporters” would find him accompanied by a young, unfamiliar brunette.  Race by at 75 miles-per-hour, snap blurry pictures of the couple walking or eating or staring, add baseless speculation, and voila!  A front-page story is born.

Since the only major celebrity to die last week was Taco Bell mascot Gidget (Honorable Mention: Frank McCourt), the press had its work cut out.  Luckily for Vespa-riding paparazzi, it turns out that Clooney’s got a new Italian gal-pal!  MTV Italy’s Total Request Live host Elisabetta Canalis, oddly not a cocktail waitress like former Clooney flames Lucy Wolvert, Sarah Larson, and untold others, caught his eye when they were introduced by mutual friends in Rome a week ago.  TBTS spies report that while riding with his new lady, Clooney stopped for gasoline and met a cocktail waitress, whom he dated while Canalis bought a 12-pack of Peroni.  This brief relationship ended, though, when Canalis returned minutes later with the beer.  While motorbiking to dinner, the couple passed several al fresco establishments filled with waitresses, but Clooney is said to have dated none of them.

After witnessing such restraint, could Canalis be “The One”?  Following his divorce from Talia Balsam in 1993, Clooney declared he would never marry again, apparently until he could date literally every woman alive, which he is attempting to do now, but also every woman who has ever lived, which is why he funds time travel research.  Advances in this technology will also allow him to date Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and as-yet-unborn cocktail waitresses.

If no one newsworthy dies by Saturday night and Britney actually keeps her panties on, Clooney will be forced to date someone different on Monday.  My money would normally be on Jennifer Aniston, but I doubt she’s slinging mojitos in the Rio lounge.

  1. July 30, 2009 7:53 pm

    The store where I work has a little cryptic-inspirational plaque for sale which reads:

    “What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?”

    I would have to say the first thing I would attempt would be to ask George Clooney for his little black book and work from there.


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