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Have Mariah Carey and Eminem Duped Us All?

August 16, 2009

Internet gossip-site coverage of the feud between Mariah Carey and Eminem is becoming sort of a global “broken telephone” game. You see, something called Contactmusic.com is now reporting that Mariah’s husband, Nick Cannon, told US Weekly that the Carey-Eminem battle is nothing but a publicity stunt. Times of India adds another layer of shoddy journalism by reporting that Contactmusic is reporting on Cannon’s US Weekly revelation.

The Cannon quote that’s generating all this eminently credentialed buzz? Cannon supposedly said, “My wife doesn’t beef. She’s Mariah Carey. She’s not beefin.’ She’s vegetarian.” Interestingly, that juicy tidbit is nowhere to be found on the front page of US Weekly’s website as of this writing.

Still, for those keeping score at home, the latest front-page(?) news(?) about Pop War for Old People ’09 has already traveled the circuit from Nick Cannon’s lips to US Weekly to Contactmusic to Times of India to me to you.

Because I’m equally qualified—i.e., not at all qualified—to advance this story even further, I’m offering an early prediction of Cannon’s response to the quote he may or may not have made. I think he’ll say that he wasn’t impugning the authenticity of the feud at all. Well, he probably won’t use the word “impugning,” but he’ll say that he was actually taking a jab at Eminem and saying that Mariah is “above” such petty squabbles, while Slim Crazy is happy to wallow in the tabloid-friendly slop. You heard it here first: Nick Cannon was really saying that Eminem loves beefin,’ but veggie Mariah’s chompin’ mad broccoli and just ain’t got the time.

Another wrinkle sort of worth mentioning is Kerry Deville’s “reporting” over at AllNewsWeb.com that 50 Cent says Eminem’s side of the feud is very real and that he wouldn’t mess with his fans by faking a conflict. Kerry Deville doesn’t bother naming his/her sources, so it’s unclear to whom Fitty may have made these claims.

As of this writing, this news(?) that 50 Cent gave his views on Eminem to somebody somewhere is the fourth-ranking story on AllNewsWeb.com. The top 3—a new video of a UFO during last month’s solar eclipse, an Ottawa River UFO event, and “the day a UFO visited Kennedy Space Center.” I didn’t click through to read the Kennedy article, so I don’t know if it confirms or denies that the aliens bought NASA souvenirs, including die-cast model space shuttles and commemorative Challenger snowglobes, by the eight-fingered handful.

Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah, I was about to wrap up by saying that I LOVE the Internet. All the celebrity and alien news(?) that’s fit to print. And obviously, any combination of vaguely connected words that any hack may string together is “fit” to print.

Loyal members of the TBTS community know that we come close to meeting that standard every day. Now excuse me while I go make up some nonsense about Miley Cyrus.

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