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TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending August 29, 2009)

August 29, 2009

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Take Their Kids Gerbil Shopping in France:

Take that, investigative journalism!  On August 21, 2009, Us Magazine totally scooped your ass by dropping the bombshell that Brangelina bought gerbils and goldfish for Maddox, 8, and Pax, 5.  Us totally nailed it, even describing the dress Angelina was wearing* when she reached in the cage to pet “les gerbilles” (that’s French for “gerbils” for all our non-Francophone or extremely drunk readers).  We also find out where and what the couple had for lunch the day before the gerbil-shopping!

Not to be outdone, Bauer-Griffin came out with exclusive photos six days later, and revealed how many animals Brangelina purchased: one goldfish (for swallowing at kindergarten frat parties) and one gerbil (for putting in, um, gerbil tubes).

*A black maxi-dress.  You know you were wondering.

2.  Gerard Butler Dogfight:

The digitally ab-enhanced Scotsman whose appearance in 300 means every Rottweiler from 2006 on will be named Leonidas had some dog trouble of his own: his pug, Lolita, and a greyhound named Mayfly got into a scuffle that ended with Butler smacking the greyhound.  So the two parties swapped numbers and talked about vet bills—one and done, right?  Wrong!  Mayfly’s owner filed a police report, which describes his involvement as a life-affirming stroll through a lush commons when a bekilted mace-wielding Scotsman blasts Mayfly against a wall simply for giving a “Hail fellow well met!”  The bloodthirsty Highlander then bellowed for the summary execution of the noble greyhound.  Butler, however, remembers differently: his pug was enjoying a wholesome jaunt through the park when a “huge, menacing” beast launched an unprovoked, savage attack, chomping her neck several times.  Were it not for the heroic Butler separating the two, Lolita surely would have been torn asunder.  As it is, her vet bills may bankrupt the now-destitute thespian.

This could simply have been two dog owners getting into it.  Instead, you’ll wait at most two days for the next installment, which will be headlined “LOLITA UNLEASHED!” when the media discovers Butler didn’t have his dog on a tether.

3. Kourtney Kardashian Pregnant:

This one just goes to show that all you need to be famous for no reason is a sister who is famous for no reason.  Not content to live in Kim’s shadow, Kourtney Kardashian went and got pregnant.  And then didn’t tell the entire world who the dad was.  And then did.  And then went shopping, which means People’s Celebrity Baby Blog (yes, this exists) got pictures of her hiding her baby bump with shopping bags and boxes!  Really, this somehow meta parody of the self-perpetuating cycle of pseudo-celebrity might be worse than the Brangelina Gerbil story, because at least those two are bona fide celebrities.

Next week: Kourtney finds out the baby’s sex, but doesn’t tell, then does!

4.  Some Guy Named Kennedy Died:

Nothing of consequence here.

Thanks, entertainment media, for insuring that someone will add a really stupid entry to Urban Dictionary for “Gerbil Shopping.”  You’ve done your job.

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