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Take That, Patton Oswalt: Kentucky Fried Chicken Introduces the Double Down

August 30, 2009

Did you hear that KFC is testing a new “sandwich” called the Double Down?  It pretends the Atkins Diet fad never died by putting two types of cheese, bacon, and sauce in the sandwich center; and moves the chicken to the outside to serve as the bun.  Did you hear what I said?  This Double-D has two big ole’ chicken boobies slapped on top and bottom—no bread in sight.

Where cardiologists see a gastronomic nightmare, I see an opportunity: with over half a day’s calories and 50 grams of fat (most of it saturated, I hope) I can ingest my RDA of the smallest slivers of the USDA’s food pyramid in just a few minutes, leaving more time for yelling and chest-clutching.  And we thought KFC was trying to improve its unhealthy image by using its initials rather than “Kentucky Fried Chicken.”  Maybe the company realized that no one says, “Hey, let’s tailgate with some Goose Island and a platter of grilled chicken and Oven Roasted Twisters.  Pass the stone-ground mustard!”  Sorry Patton Oswalt: KFC has followed up its much-ridiculed, everything-but-the-kitchen-sink, gestalt Famous Bowls with an even more absurd non-sandwich sandwich.  Good for them.

Question, though: why’d KFC decide to test the Double Down in Rhode Island and Nebraska?  Bring that shit to the South, son.  We eat stuff like that daily and still win every damn BCS Championship.  When I visit my girlfriend’s family, we eat biscuits and chipped-beef gravy, country ham, bacon, scrambled eggs, apples fried in cinnamon butter, fried potatoes, toast, homemade banana bread and muffins, cinnamon rolls, grits, fresh fruit (covered in sugar), jam, honey, molasses, butter, orange/apple juice, milk, and coffee.  And that’s one meal.  Breakfast.  Lunch is two hours later.

Please eat it up, Providence and Omaha.  Make that sandwich go double-platinum so I get the chance to take on the Double Down.  Even if I lose, I win.

  1. fieldengrey permalink
    August 31, 2009 8:32 am

    Awesome. But now I’m hungry. Wait, I ate breakfast at 7:30 and now it’s 8:30. So just one more hour to go…Thank god I live in the South.

  2. P McD permalink
    August 31, 2009 5:51 pm

    When I first read about this in the paper, I actually started having chest pains just thinking about eating this abomination.


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