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A TBTS Good Idea™: Hugh Hefner Should Be Jon Gosselin’s Life Coach

September 3, 2009

I generally don’t pay much attention to Hugh Hefner these days, except when The Soup makes a new joke about his diapers needing to be changed. [Here’s my Soup audition joke: “Funny, a diaper change is about the only thing that gets his girlfriends to pay attention to him too. That and a new bank statement.” Do I get the job?]

So I’ve been surprised to see the Hef in the news so much lately:

1. Former girlfriend Holly Madison blames her self-esteem issues on Hef’s pesky tendency to have a lot of 18-year-old girls around. In her recent interview with Life and Style Magazine, Madison lists her lengthy dossier of plastic surgery procedures and says she had to get them because of her various physical deficiencies, of which her time in the Playboy mansion regularly reminded her. She then goes on to say, “Beauty is truly on the inside.” There you go, America: Holly Madison’s utterly contradictory words to live by.

2. A new Hefner documentary just premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival. Interestingly, the film reportedly focuses more on Hefner’s lesser-known political activities—his civil rights activism, free speech advocacy, and funding of reproductive rights cases—than on his lifelong love of bare breasts. [Side note: check out Ariel Levy’s sharp book Female Chauvinist Pigs for more on Hefner’s complex interactions with feminism.]

3. The only thing shrinking faster than Hefner’s withered, useless testicles is the wealth of the Playboy empire. After reaching a $1 billion high point a decade ago, Playboy Enterprises has lost 90% of its value. The NYSE has threatened to de-list the shares of the flaccid company (pun fully intended), and now Hef is having to sell off property, below asking price, to pay the bills.

Which is where I come in with my latest TBTS Good Idea.™ The Hef can keep his assets, and he can keep buying new assets (the left one AND the right one) for his stable of girlfriends, if he takes on a new gig as Jon Gosselin’s life coach.

I actually might be a bit late with this Good Idea.™ With his pool parties and his recent bevy of excessively tanned, temporary girlfriends, it seems that Gosselin is already a Hefner acolyte. But Hef could—and should—step in and actually get paid for his tutelage, even if they won’t be starting from scratch.

For Gosselin, what should be the first lesson in the School of Hef? How about, YOU give WOMEN low self-esteem, you never let them give it to you. In an interview to air next week on Good Morning America, Gosselin says that he “took a lot of abuse” from his estranged wife Kate. I think we all know that ten minutes with the Hef would put a halt to that nonsense. Holly Madison has already demonstrated Hef’s prowess in the area of making women feel bad about themselves—and do you think he loses sleep over what women think about his sagging, wrinkled ass? Hell, no. So take notes, Jonny-boy.

The only downside? Honestly, I’m not sure a famous octogenarian sex mogul could teach Jon Gosselin anything that would do the rest of the world any good. Hefner definitely can’t teach Gosselin any new parenting skills or lessons about staying the hell off my TV screen.

But still, if they went with my Good Idea™, Hugh Hefner could get paid, and Jon Gosselin might finally be able to put the trauma of being married to Kate behind him. Granted, Gosselin might become an even bigger asshole in the process, but that’s the rest of the world’s problem, not his. For Hef and Jon, even if not for the rest of us, it’s a win-win.

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