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Old Movie, New Review: Pinocchio’s Revenge

September 5, 2009

Pinocchio’s Revenge had an unexpected noir, Hitchcockian feel, mainly because the poor connection between an ancient DVD player and brand new TV caused the movie to play in black-and-white, with gigantic pixels.  The film begins with a patrolman making a grisly discovery: a man digging a grave for his son whom he appears to have murdered, but also for his son’s toy, a scarred wooden Pinocchio.  The marionette finds its way to the grade-school daughter of a MILFy public defender.  Strange and terrible things then start to befall anyone who displeases the little girl.

I expected and hoped this movie would be total crap because I love terrible horror movies.  I was surprised and almost disappointed, then, when Pinocchio’s Revenge turned out to be a pretty slick movie filled with lots of interesting tidbits.  Let’s begin with the cast:

  1. Larry Cedar as “District Attorney.”  This is funny for obvious reasons.
  2. Ron Canada as “Barry.”  This is a great porn star name.
  3. Larry Ziegelmeyer as “Principal.”  That’s two Larrys in one movie.  Say his name out loud.  It’s fun!
  4. Robert Winley as “Biker.”  He was also “Cigar-Smoking Biker” in Terminator 2.
  5. Verne Troyer as “Pinocchio,” when mobile.  This is too good to be true.
  6. Sal Viscuso as “Jail Guard.”  Viscuso is an anagram for viscous, and viscous oil “guards” against engine damage!

The movie’s tagline according to IMDB is “Evil Comes With Strings Attached,” but could just as easily have been “No One Pulls His Strings.”  Feel free to submit your own.

Sexual tension permeates the movie, which is good and bad.  Good because there’s an extremely gratuitous shower scene with a lovely Italian or French au pair.  Bad because there’s an extremely tame sex scene where ma (whose headlights are frequently on— later there’s a nifty visual with actual headlights) gets her “lawn aerated” by a landscaping business owner.  Also bad when ma actually says to Landscapey, “Here, spoon me,” and the next scene shows daughter Zoe being spooned by ‘Nocchio, who seems to be thinking about giving her the ‘Nōch.  Throughout the movie Zoe has a Plushie-like attachment to her stuffed animals, but ditches them for Pin-Diddy and starts slumbering with the lumber.

This movie has a surprisingly small amount of violence and gore.  The first on-screen life-threatening injury occurs at exactly the 1-hour mark, and it doesn’t even turn into a death until nine minutes later.  The most gruesome murder in the whole damn movie is of a cricket, followed in quick succession by a dropped glass of orange juice and our nubile nanny.  Some might say that innocence was the first to die in the movie; I would tell those people to shut up and go watch The Piano; I’m discussing a movie about wooden doll that kills people—or does it?  Pinocchio’s Revenge mind-‘Nōches you with a twist that will have you thinking semi-deeply for minutes afterward.

All in all, despite our Lumber Liquidator giving us a disappointingly low body-count, Pinocchio’s Revenge keeps it real, boy.

Verdict: Watch it.

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