TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending September 12, 2009)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  George Clooney Still Dating Same Woman:

The Lexington, KY-born hunk made headlines for appearing in public with the same woman several times in a row.  The press has framed Clooney as a heart-breaking babe-changing bachelor, so any time he steps out with the same woman on his arm more than twice is entertainment “news.”  (Note: it must be more than twice since going into a restaurant and coming out with the same woman counts as two appearances, though the gossip press would have you believe that this isn’t always the case with Clooney.)  We’ve noted before how much attention Clooney’s dates get, and this does nothing to convince us otherwise.  Besides, who wouldn’t want to be seen holding hand (not hands—thanks to Celebuzz we know Clooney accidentally broke one) with a hot Italian at a movie premiere?  Especially a flick called “The Men Who Stare At Goats”?  And if next week it’s the same hot Italian or a hot Swede or Japanese or American or blonde or brunette or butcher or baker or … ?  We don’t (or shouldn’t) care!

2.  Hugh Hefner Files For Divorce:

Here’s a bit of trivia (“matters or things that are very unimportant, inconsequential, or nonessential; trifles; trivialities”): the man known as America’s most famous bachelor hasn’t been for almost a decade.  In an article with more numbers than a mathematics doctoral dissertation, it seems that Hef has finally filed for divorce from his estranged Playmate wife, Kimberly Conrad Hefner.  I guess this is news because the actual papers have been filed, though years ago a divorce petition was submitted then dropped.  I don’t think anyone thought, “Hugh and Kim are getting a divorce?  But they seemed so happy together.  I guess if it could happen to them it could happen to anyone.”  Especially since Hugh has had like 200 very public, even televised, girlfriends living with him since his 1998 separation.  And he has big loud parties all the time.  And Kimberly lives next door.  So while the divorce means something official (money) to them, I’m pretty sure we all saw this coming.

3.  Penelope Cruz Might Be Pregnant:

The Huffington Post asks you to take a poll: “Penelope Cruz: Pregnant Or Not?”  Let me be probably not the first to explain that a poll will not decide if Penelope Cruz is pregnant, any more than a poll decides if the sun is or is not made of mostly hydrogen and helium.  Pregnancies happen only when a man and a woman who love each other very much … OK, bad example.  Anyway, the poll should have read: “Penelope Cruz: Does She Appear to Be Hiding A Pregnancy With Slightly Baggier Clothing, Which Is Suspicious Only Because She Usually Wears Styles That Are Really Form-Fitting?”, which would not have fit as easily at the top of the page.  Suspected pregnancies are great stories because they can never be proved or disproved, and can run forever.  Maybe she was pregnant, but miscarried or aborted.  Maybe she wasn’t pregnant at the time the rumors began (HuffPo says rumors have been “swirling for months,” so she would presumably have started to show by now), but became pregnant months later, which would undoubtedly be polled as “Penelope Cruz: Freakishly Long Gestation Period Or Not?”  So we will know if Penelope Cruz is pregnant only when she dies, with or without having shown medical proof of pregnancy or having given birth.  Unless HuffPo’s readers decide otherwise.

4.  Some Guy Yelled Something At The President:

Boring!

Thanks, entertainment media, for making all-or-nothing, deterministic biological processes a matter of opinion!