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Harrison Ford Is So Old…

September 16, 2009

Harrison Ford, 67, recently announced that he’s game to star in another Indiana Jones movie, for which a story is now “in the process of taking form,” whatever that means.

I’m going to put on my prognosticator’s hat, which looks a lot like a stovepipe, and predict that there’s going to be a flood of “Harrison Ford is so old…” jokes between now and the release date of the fifth Indiana Jones movie. In fact, such are my powers of prestidigitation that I can already tell you where in the blogosphere you’ll be able to find some of those jokes, and, amazingly enough, what the actual jokes will be.

Warning: these blogs don’t even exist yet—we stay THAT FAR ahead of the curve here at TBTS.

1. The Chronic Masticator will chew on it for a while before he jokes, “What are they gonna call the movie—Indiana Jones and the Cream of Wheat?”

2. Over at Pitch-a-tent-alism, Beerkegaard (or maybe it will be Fartre) will ponder which is more wrinkled and leathery: the cover of the precious religious text Indiana Jones must save, or Harrison Ford’s skin.

3. Zima Goggles, the blog devoted to fruity drinks and movie commentary, will quip, “Will the wheelchair help or hurt Indy when he tries to escape the rolling boulder?”

4. In the comments section of My Whole Life Is A Refractory Period, a reader will exclaim, “Harrison Ford RULES, Shia LaBeouf DROOLS!”

[Note: My Whole Life Is A Refractory Period is a community blog devoted to the erectile problems of elderly men, and its readers generally regard Harrison Ford as something of a folk hero. Also, they tend to dislike Shia LaBeouf for his overall whipper-snapperishness.]

5. Ha Ha Charade You Are will predict, “Harrison Ford will seriously injure himself when he insists on doing his own stunts, including opening a museum door and lifting a magnifying glass.”

6. Chip Micro, lead blogger for Silly Robot, will offer his 378th rant about how George Lucas ruined the legacy of Han Solo by making the three crappy Star Wars prequels. This will confirm that, even when he’s supposed to be writing about Indiana Jones, Chip Micro’s lingering rage over Hayden Christensen and Jar Jar Binks overwhelms all his other perspectives on Harrison Ford and science fiction as a whole.

7. Addicted to Crud’s Elmer Crud will ask, “To play Indiana Jones, should they really cast someone who remembers when the state of Indiana was part of the Northwest Territory?”

8. The smart women at FantasticLit won’t joke about Harrison Ford, but the movie’s release will prompt several impassioned essays about the dearth of good roles for women 50 and older. They’ll be right about that. They’ll also run a week-long series of Ally McBeal retrospectives and assert that Calista Flockhart had so much more to give the world until she started dating Harrison Ford and quit acting. They’ll be wrong about that.

9. Keith Beaver, the founder of Shut Your Dip Hole, will joke, “They’re gonna have to call it Indiana Jones and the Cream of Wheat!” Because Keith is a plagiarizing hack who’s always tried to ride the coattails of his much more successful blogging brother, The Chronic Masticator.

10. To his credit, Rick in a Box will keep it brief: “Harrison Ford is so old his first three movies were silent!”

So, dear readers, there you have it. Rest assured that we here at TBTS will be making no such jokes. We don’t need to resort to that.

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