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The Entertation Index: September 25

September 25, 2009

Aniston, Jennifer — The former Friends actress is currently addressing rumors that she may be pregnant. Her press officials were disheartened to hear the news, especially since they’ve spent so much time in their shallow, money-driven lives promoting the notion that Jennifer Aniston is a lonely, adorably single person who nobody famous wants to date, and who is destined to die alone without the comfort of human companionship in her life. This really screws things up for them.

Link: Press Fuels Aniston Pregnancy Rumors (MSNBC)

Cody, Diablo — The Oscar-winning screenwriter of Juno and Jennifer’s Body has signed on to adapt the book series Sweet Valley High into a feature film. I’ll let you choose your joke here: a.) This will be the second time Sweet Valley High has been penned by a talentless hack, or b.) Cody felt a special kinship to Sweet Valley character Jessica Wakefield, who also only got a movie deal because of the novelty that she was a stripper, won a major award, and then continued to pump out unimaginative cool-teen-vernacular crapfests.

Link: Diablo Cody Goes to Sweet Valley High (Slashfilm)

Cowell, Simon — The American Idol figurehead is in talks with FOX to bring his United Kingdom hit The X Factor to American television audiences. Sssssh. Hey everyone, I’ve got a great idea for a great joke. Don’t anybody tell FOX that American Idol is, actually, the same thing as Britain’s X Factor. This’ll be a hoot. They’ll be so surprised! I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they find out they’ve paid for the same show twice.

Link: Simon Cowell May Bring The X Factor to FOX After All (TV Squad)

Manson, Marilyn — The oh-so-shocking singer has been accused of a.) having the swine flu, and b.) knowing that fact when he apparently “blew snot” all over an Ottowa, Canada audience. This came as no shock to purchasers of Manson’s last two albums, who felt metaphorically that they’d already been exposed to plenty of Manson snot over the course of his last two albums.

Link: Marilyn Manson Shoots Swine Flu Snot Rockets (TMZ)

Miami, CSI — CBS is scrambling to re-design cop procedural CSI: Miami’s promotional collateral after it’s been discovered that one of the included images is, in fact, an image of Tampa, Florida. Despite this misstep, CBS would like to assure viewers that the notion of a forensic scientist who has shootouts with bad guys and serial killers in clubs and on boat docks, however, is completely realistic. They’d also like to re-iterate that  David Caruso behaving like a cooler-than-you douchebag is also true to life.

Link: Oops! Skyline Image in CSI: Miami is Really a Photo of Tampa (

Michaels, Bret — Billboard is reporting that Brett Michaels’ autobiography Roses and Thorns: The Rock n’ Roll Fantasy to My Reality has been pushed back by publisher Simon & Schuster until 2010. Apparently, the lag is due to the massive amount of time proofreaders will require to correct the numerous misspellings of the word “gonorreah.”

Link: Bret Michaels’ “Roses and Thorns” Still Blooming (Billboard)

Phillips, Mackenzie — Whether you believe her stories of ten-year incest with her father or not, one thing’s for certain: folks ain’t gonna be clamoring for the new Mackenzie Phillips and dad collaboration album. Word-of-mouth on an album hasn’t been this bad since we learned the Captain had been forcing Tennille to vouch for his “bad shoulder” to collect workers’ comp insurance. Shame on you, Captain.

Link: John and Mackenzie Phillips Exclusive: Unreleased Musical Collaboration to Come Out Next Year (EW)

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