TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending September 26, 2009)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt Loses A Tooth:

At first, I thought I had lied to you when I mentioned in September 17’s Entertation Index that Kate Gosselin’s hairdo revision was the most important news ever.  I realized, though, that as of 9/17, pictures of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt’s missing tooth hadn’t yet hit the mainstream media.  They were released probably in response to an ACLU Freedom of Information Act request only after being declassified by the Defense Department.  Look at the picture, but be prepared to be shocked.

Even though human history includes people with two heads and parasitic twins, the article and comments state that at three years old, Shiloh is too young to have lost the tooth naturally.  What we’re looking at here is obviously a case of tooth rot, child abuse, genetic abnormality, or divine retribution.  Less sinister explanations would leave nothing to write about, and celebrity photographers would not be able to charge what I make in a year for such candids.  May the Almighty protect young Shiloh from her notoriously brutal and sadistic parents.

2. Actresses’ Bodies:

Many serious articles, books, and dissertations have been written about Hollywood’s obsession with physical appearance and how it creates body image issues.  This blurb isn’t one of those, because there is only so much you can fit in a few paragraphs.  Think: who was the last young woman whose acting ability made the news?  Dakota Fanning, only because the press can’t legally sexualize her yet because of her age.  (They’ll do it as soon as they can—see Miley Cyrus.)  Everything else you’ll read or see concerns Audrina Partridge’s and everyone else’s boobs, which over-40 actress has the best beach bod, and Jennifer Love Hewitt’s “new” body after she was slammed for *gasp* showing cellulite at the beach.  I ain’t sayin’ I don’t like looking at pretty people, but if you’re going to criticize an actress please do it for her work, like this: the two episodes of Ghost Whisperer I’ve seen were overly dramatic, poorly written, sappy pieces of crap.  But JLH is hawt! Have you ever stopped to consider, maybe they’re talking about her cellulite to sell some sort of forskolin cream review. That coincidental, ad  that plays right after, yeah, stop to think.

3. Lindsay Lohan Doesn’t Really Lose It in Manhattan Hotels:

This one has to go under “Basic Tenets of Journalism: Research and Confirm.”  Several “sources” reported that Lohan threw dinner trays in a hotel room and got tossed out of a club after throwing herself at Josh Hartnett.  Yes, Lohan has long stoked tabloid fires for stormy relationships and diva behavior, but how about doing some fact-checking first, rather than just assuming this stuff is true?  It turns out Lohan wasn’t even in NYC when the events in question took place.  See folks, this is how rumors and libel suits get started.  All it takes is a call to a rep before going to press to make sure you don’t get sued.  Wait, insinuation and innuendo are the real goal, and truth and facts take a back seat to sales?  Perhaps I don’t understand this industry as well as I should.

4. Some Country Said Something About Nukes:

(Snore)

Thanks, entertainment media, for taking pictures of precocious three-year-olds and turning them into something dark and foreboding!