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New Heavy Metal Video Game Brutal Legend Can Help Millions

September 29, 2009

My inner thrasher perked up a little when I first heard about the forthcoming metal-themed video game Brutal Legend. Based on this description, I think it’s safe to assume that the game’s going to make millions of gamers and metalheads throw the goat. Any game where you play a “face-melting” solo, and it literally melts your enemy’s face right off, is worth sacrificing some of your savings (or your kid’s college money) for.

Then my more rational adult side took over once again, and I realized that this game is even better than I had thought. Brutal Legend is going to be good for millions of people. Let’s run down the list of who this game can help:

1. Jack Black, who provides the voice and the characterization of the game’s lead character, Eddie Riggs. Brutal Legend will give Black the chance to add to his streak of worthwhile performances, which currently stands at one in a row following his decent turn in Tropic Thunder. This is a major step forward after several years of Black missteps where he mistook yelling and grimacing for being funny, or roles where he was on the screen longer than two minutes. In other words, every movie not called Anchorman that Black’s been in since about 1999, when his schtick first started to wear thin.

2. Simon Cowell, who recently owned up to having frequent bouts of being in a “black mood.” What better for a persistent “black mood” than being a rock god, doing battle with demons, and playing some black metal? In the same article, Cowell also discussed his unmarried status, a relationship arrangement he will likely share with about 97% of the game’s male players. However, unlike the average Brutal Legend enthusiast, Cowell presumably does not live in his parents’ basement or have to borrow the family Cutlass for a weekly trip to the comic book store. Still, Simon should pick up a copy of Brutal Legend and start shredding any time he feels a “black mood” coming on. Perhaps some metal influence will convince him to change his ridiculous haircut.

3. Firehouse, the laughable 80s hair band that SOMEHOW has a song on the Brutal Legend playlist among the likes of true metal bands like Enslaved, Slayer, Dimmu Borgir, and dozens of others. I’m hoping that, in the game, Firehouse is playing for twelve people at the local Pump & Munch when your character marauds through the scene on his doom-horse and makes the band and the crowd pee themselves in terror at your overwhelming badass-osity. And then you kill them all. And you laugh and laugh and laugh. That won’t help the digitized Firehouse characters, but maybe the real-life guys in the band will get some small royalty checks and can finally start buying the name-brand hairspray again. The generic stuff really gets sticky under the pink lights when they play “Love of a Lifetime” during their standing weekend gig at the Bozeman Bowling Alley.

4. Ozzy Osbourne, who lends his voice to the game. That’s good for his career, of course, but I’m also thinking that staying home and playing the game will do a lot to preserve Ozzy’s health. You may not have heard the terrifying news yet, but Ozzy Osbourne just got his freaking driver’s license. It’ll be much better for Oz to stay home and play video games than to get behind the wheel. Taking 400 pills a day will impair your hand-eye coordination no matter where you are, but at home playing video games, the worst that’ll happen is that Ozzy will suck at avoiding bad guys. On the road, Ozzy will suck at avoiding guard rails, brick walls, moving vehicles, parked vehicles, houses, children, little old ladies, and a partridge in a pear tree. Put him behind the wheel and Ozzy becomes a one-man death panel.

5. Related to #4, Brutal Legend will help save the lives of anyone currently living within a day’s drive of Ozzy Osbourne’s house. Seriously, folks, let’s start pooling our money and make sure that Ozzy’s got a Playstation or an XBox in every room. That’s just simple self-preservation.

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4 Comments
  1. September 29, 2009 12:17 pm

    It’s not an RPG…

    …it’s a GUITARPG!

  2. Rickard permalink
    September 29, 2009 1:26 pm

    “Put him behind the wheel and Ozzy becomes a one-man death panel.” Classic. Great stuff A-Lo.

  3. Chris permalink
    December 19, 2009 11:59 pm

    Firehouse is a much better band than you think. I have seen them live and that is when I became a fan. And you call them an 80s band but their first album did not even come out until 1990. They are not a “hair band” they are just a rock band.

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