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The Entertation Index: September 30

September 30, 2009

Byron, Lord — On October 29, Sotheby’s auction house in London will sell, to the highest bidder, a collection of private letters written by the poet Lord Byron, in which he refers to contemporary William Wordsworth as “Turdsworth.” Seriously. I love it when 19th-century Victorian romantics write my jokes for me.

Link: Byron Uncensored: Letters to be Sold at Sotheby’s (NY Times)

Cowell, Simon — The American Idol judge and music producer penned a “letter to his younger self” in last week’s UK paper The Daily Mail in which he chastized his former lifestyle. He then sat back in his chair wearing a super-tight t-shirt and rubbed concentric circles around his protruding man-nipples, a procedure which activates time travel, and corrected his mistakes.

Link: Simon Cowell: A Letter to my Shallow, Reckless, Cocky Younger Self (Daily Mail)

Fox, Megan — Megan Fox hates touching unlaminated paper. And here you thought you were going to have to go through this whole day without learning something about Megan Fox. 

Link: Megan Fox Likes to Lick Her Fingers (DailyFill)

Kardashian, Khloe — Kelly Osbourne tells Us Magazine that Khloe Kardashian had “a fairytale wedding.” Presumably this was because, as per usual, Khloe Kardashian tried to cook children in an oven and eat them.

Link: Kelly Osbourne: Khloe Kardashian Had a Fairytale Wedding (Us

Life, The Beautiful — Ashton Kutcher’s modeling-world-based drama has been pulled by the CW after only two episodes, leaving complaining starlet Sara Paxton with a lease, new furniture, and a ridiculous naiveté of how the television industry works. See? This is precisely why I don’t hang my hopes and dreams on Ashton Kutcher. You won’t fool me again, Kutcher! Never again!

Link: “Beautiful Life” Star Sara Paxton Stranded in NYC With 6-Month Lease, New Furniture, Blown Mind (Huffington Post)

Miami, CSI — Actor Omar Miller will join the CSI: Miami staff as an “art theft specialist.” Because I’ve always said if there’s one thing missing from that show, it’s an “art theft specialist,” because so many CSI: Miami episodes focus on art theft. I look forward to seeing writers link — often enough to have a specialist — art theft to the Everglades or clubbing, which are the only two recurring themes on CSI: Miami. May I suggest a clubbing art thief who hides stolen art in the Everglades? You’re welcome, CSI: Miami.

Link: CSI: Miami Adds a Series Regular (Hollywood Reporter)

Polanski, Romansee: Ratner, Brett

Ratner, Brett — On the heels of director Roman Polanski’s recent arrest in Switzerland, Rush Hour director Ratner has announced that he will be helming a sequel to Marina Zenovich’s 2008 Polanski documentary Wanted and Desired. “Roman Polanski has had a long and unique life,” said Ratner. “I can’t wait to make it suck.”

Link: Polanski Arrest Big Break for Brett Ratner (Entertainment Weekly)

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