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Sex Education Fails: Spencer Pratt Considers Self-Castration to Avoid Pregnancy

October 2, 2009

The Hills’ uber-douche Spencer Pratt gave an interview this week in which he admitted to “barely having sex” with his wife, Heidi Montag, because he’s scared she’ll have a baby.  Apparently Heidi wants a baby young, Spencer doesn’t, and he thinks she might go off birth control and not tell him: “She’s not the kind of person who would lie — she would just walk away and not answer the question.”  In that case, Spencer, I suggest before every sexual encounter that you ask Heidi if she is still taking birth control.  Phrase the question so that there are no loopholes or conflicting interpretations:  “Heidi Montag, are you currently using any form of human contraception, chemical or otherwise, whose purpose is to prevent ovulation, fertilization of an ovum, or implantation of a fertilized ovum in the uterine lining?”  If she says yes and you are sure she doesn’t lie, have her sign the affidavit and go for it, big fella.  After all, nothing gets a partner hotter than rigorous interrogation and sworn testimony!  However, if she walks away and does not answer the question, time to fire up the internet.

What a pickle.  Spencer and Heidi want to get it on, but he can’t be sure she’s taking the necessary precautions to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.  I guess until he’s ready to be a papa, which could be never, he should just prepare for a life of monastic celibacy.  While he’s at it, might I also suggest a vow of silence?  Wait, perhaps there’s another way.  Something I vaguely remember hearing uttered in hushed tones during a clandestine meeting of The Elders, or reading about in Time Life’s Mysteries of the Unexplained.  No, it’s too crazy to even consid…well, OK, if you insist: another theoretical—but laughably improbable—method might be for Spencer himself to take responsibility for contraception and employ a condom.  See, I told you it was crazy!  Crazier even than debating cutting off his own nuts to avoid parenthood!

Wait a minute, why am I helping this guy scheme sex from his wife?  If Smug Self-Promoting AssCan Spencer Pratt doesn’t even want to chance creating and parenting another human being with Multi-Non-Talented Lip-Synching Camera Hog Heidi Montag, I should send him a Hallmark congratulations card.  The world does not need another snot-nosed progeny of spoiled reality TV anti-heroes.  Come to think of it, a highlight reel of Speidi’s pratfalls, prattling protestations, and professed priggishness (Heidi wearing Spandex and grabbing herself suggestively at the Miss Universe pageant somehow doesn’t count) might be the most effective abstinence/safe-sex campaign ever devised.

Because he’s doing the right thing the wrong way for the right reasons, does this mean I have to start sort-of liking Spencer Pratt?  What does this mean for the future, if he starts saying more things that make sense?  Perhaps I must simply become comfortable being uncomfortable with my conflicted views, much like Spencer must feel when watching Heidi undress.

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