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TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending October 3, 2009)

October 3, 2009

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Jeremy Piven’s Mercury Poisoning:

Yes, the Broadway production of Speed the Plow was inconvenienced by Piven’s absence, which he said was due to mercury poisoning from eating sushi twice a day for years.  Yes, this sounds like a bullshit excuse.  But it’s over, folks.  A professional arbiter in August said Piven did not breach his contract.  If Piven was being an ass and just didn’t want to do the play, at least he kept up appearances by abstaining from fish in public for 11 months, with cameras waiting for him to slip up and chomp into a Filet-o-Fish.  Maybe he looked up “mercury poisoning” on WebMD, mimicked the symptoms while out and about, and kept downing Rainbow rolls in private.  That’s called acting.  And now he says he’s cured.  Whether or not he was lying, let’s hope he goes overboard and joins something like Seafood Eaters Anonymous (SEA—ha!).  Perhaps he’ll do public service announcements for Mercury Toxicity Awareness and start an advocacy group that lobbies Congress for research money.  Then he can get caught in an undercover hidden-camera sushi sting, filmed cramming his rice-hole full of sashimi like he hadn’t eaten in two weeks.

Oh, and Piven was photographed eating fish just this week (aHA!)  But it was whitefish, which has low mercury content (damn).  Time to get back on the wagon, Jeremy.

2.  Hermione Goes to College:

OMG, Emma Watson is GOING TO COLLEGE!  Like literally millions of people her age, and millions slightly/much younger/older, a teenager not from the U.S. has entered college in the U.S.  This has caused people to go insane, and suggest that stalking Ms. Watson might be a fun activity at the Harvard vs. Brown football game.  This is a little baffling, because while Emma Watson’s Hermione of Harry Potter fame is super-popular, do people think they’re going to become BFF’s with a wizardess because they sit near her in a 500-person Intro to Sociology class?  They’ll keep glancing over, tapping their pencils, and finally blurt, “I just love Hermione!  Can you recite any of her spells?”  Emma Watson will say, “Actually, I’m Emma Watson, a real person.  Hermione is a character I play in a series of movies, and is not real.  As far as I know, magic is not real either.  Can we talk about this after class?”  Please, let’s not make a big deal out of someone wanting to further her education even though she’s made enough money by age 18 to retire in splendor.  All this creepy hype will simply discourage hot young foreigners from matriculating in the States.

3.  Celebrity Moms’ After-Baby Body Secrets:

How did Gwyneth get back into pre-baby shape so soon after both Moses and Apple?  Jessica Alba looks so good, like, a month after giving birth to Honor Marie!  Gwen Stefani has those abs again, right after bringing Zuma Nesta Rock into the world.  And Halle?  How’d she get bikini ready so fast after Nahla Ariela?  What’s their secret, People magazine?  Why can’t I lose my pregnancy weight like that?

I’m a man, so I don’t have pregnancy weight.  Just beer and Irish Nachos weight.  You can’t do it because you’re most likely not a millionaire who can take off work for 3 months and hire a personal chef, nutritionist, trainer, yoga instructor, Pilates instructor, personal assistant, maid, butler, groundskeeper, driver, personal shopper, make-up artist and spray-tan consultant, nanny, publicist, agent, phone answerer, wiper, bootlicker, buttkisser, and astrologer to free up time to get back in shape.  With that stable of specialists, I could look like Halle Berry in a few months.

4.  The Olympics:

I love Chicago!  What?  2016, if we get it?  What about next year?  Oh, it’s the Winter Olympics?

Thanks, entertainment media, for trying to make women feel insecure not only for non-pregnancy “flaws” like not looking like a 19-year-old ice skater; but also for not being in swimsuit shape right after 9 months of drastic hormonal oscillation and sustaining an organism growing inside them!

One Comment
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