The TBTS Investigative Presumption: Madonna and Lady GaGa Have a Secret

“Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, my baby’s got a secret.”

–Madonna

Lawd have mercy childrens, what a weekend it hath been.  I haven’t been this shook up since Paula Abdul left American Idol.  As a matter of fact, I think I’m losing my mind this time.  Ladies and gentlemen of TBTS-fandom, I have important news to share with you today.  I know, I have important news all the time, but this is different.  This is IMPORTANT!!!  Once again yours truly has spent the last three days holed up in the TBTS compound, poring over various blog posts and internet news items, searching for clues to this week’s most talked-about subject:  The premature death of Kanye West and Lady GaGa’s “Fame Kills” tour. 

I have seen a number of explanations for the ending of what was sure to be a dynamite partnership, from GaGa getting fed up with Ye’s shenanigans to Ye dropping the tour to take some time off.  But none of this speculation is anything close to the truth.  Yes, they may be backed up by quotes from Kanye or GaGa, or might actually have information directly from either side’s management.  But as we’ve seen countless times before, on the internet facts are meaningless.  What really matters is a compelling story, and people I’m about to compel you to death.

Let’s start with some very freaky occurrences over the past 7 days.  Early last week, the tour cancellation was announced–we’ll get back to that.  Then, on Wednesday night, “Lady” Madonna made a guest appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman, where she was greeted with Letterman’s coy “Have you ever ridden hockey players before?”  Ouch.  Remember that Madge and Dave go way back, their public relationship ostensibly beginning with the Material Girl’s controversial appearance on Letterman’s show back in 1994, where Letterman basically called her a slut during his introduction, to which Madonna retaliated with numerous profanities and a refusal to leave the set after her interview.  Ever since that moment, these two together have been like oil and water in front of the camera, their loathing for each other hidden under a very thin veneer of civility. 

Then on Thursday Letterman dropped a bombshell on the world, admitting to having multiple sexual relations with women who worked for and with him on The Late Show.  Although Letterman did not elaborate on which women these liaisons were with, it’s safe to say there were more than one.  And, despite Letterman’s pronouncement, I for one find it easy to believe that his booty calls weren’t just with staffers.  Heck, the guy is universally considered a comedy genius, and we all know that comedians are stud dogs.

So, here’s what we’ve established so far:  David Letterman is a chick magnet and he and Madonna don’t get along.  I think you see where I’m going with this, don’t you?  Go ahead, take a guess.  No, you’re wrong…not that either…OK stop I’ll just tell you.  Based on nothing more than my keen powers of perception, I’m convinced that Madonna and Dave were once lovers.  Stop laughing, I’m serious!  I’m telling you, they go at each other just like they were jilted and I’m betting that given Madonna’s difficulty in finding suitors and Letterman’s all-around sex appeal, I’m guessing that he cheated on her and hence ruined the relationship.

I know you’re thinking that my evidence here is pretty slim and I’ll admit that based on what I’ve presented so far, my evidence is pretty slim (meaning: nonexistant).  So it’s time for what I like to call my “Johnny Cochran Glove Moment” (patent pending), the moment where I save my seemingly dubious argument with an irrefutable piece of evidence that proves I’m right.  For this particular argument, enter the Glove:  Lady Gaga.  That’s right pets, I’m using the bully pulpit of The Brown Tweed Society to make it known to the world:  Lady GaGa is the love-child of Madonna and David Letterman.

Tthis has become clear to me through the tried and tested method of ciphering binary data called “unsubstantiated speculation.”  Consider the year that GaGa was born, 1986.  What major pop culture milestone occurred in 1986?  Well, yes Dollywood opened that year, but that’s not what I’m referring to.  Madonna released her amazing True Blue album that year, complete with the smash hit “Papa Don’t Preach”.  As we all know, the song was a controversy magnet, mainly due to the lyrics that tell the story of a pregnant girl who chooses to “keep my baby.”  It has been reported that Madonna helped write the lyrics to “Papa”, maybe because she had a bun in the oven herself, no?

Once we believe that Madonna was pregnant (and really, after reading the preceding paragraph could you doubt it?), the obvious question is:  Who’s the Daddy?  Madonna was married to Sean Penn at the time, but it’s well documented that they never had sex.  So what was happening in Letterman’s life at the tim?.  It has been reported that Letterman began dating his current wife, Regina Lasko, in 1986.  Concidence?  I think not.  I’m presumptioning that Letterman and Madonna had a “fling” sometime in 1985, which led to Madonna’s fertilization and the end of the tryst, most likely over Letterman’s affair with then-staffer Lasko or due to Penn’s jealousy that Letterman could actually get in his wife’s pants.  Either way, Madonna keeps the baby and gives birth in an undisclosed secret location, giving the baby up for adoption shortly thereafter.  But Madge carries a grudge against Letterman lo these many years for being so darn virile, while Letterman contends that Madonna swore she was on birth control.  This dual-angst explains their bizarre on-camera behavior.

Twenty-three years later, the baby grows up to be Lady GaGa.  She’s clueless about her adoption until last week when Mama Madonna, in New York to appear on Daddy’s show, looks GaGa up and breaks the news to her.  GaGa is ecstatic to discover that her mother is one of the most famous women in the world and drops Kanye like a hot potato in the hopes of going on a mother/daughter tour with mom.  Hence, the awkward and embarrassing performance on Saturday Night Live,  which was supposed to kick off the tour but instead ended with the two ladies on the outs.  Only time will tell if time will heal those wounds.

Phew…glad to get all that off my chest.  I’m certain that by now you’re utterly shocked, and I can’t blame you.  This is heavy news.  Some of you haters out there may still be skeptical.  If so, let me offer you my last, definitive shred of “proof”.  First, check out this photograph of Lady GaGa.  Now, using the latest technology at Morphthing.com, I have a definitive picture of what the child of Letterman and Madonna would look like.  Go ahead, compare the two pics and tell me it’s not the same person.  

That chill you just felt running down your spine?  That was the cold finger of my correctness.  Later!