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If They Screw This Up, I Stop Watching Movies Forever: Predators Signs Adrien Brody

October 7, 2009

I have held fast to my promise not to get excited about movies that I should be excited about, so that I might not relive the pain of Terminator Salvation.  I avoided Avatar trailers until they could be avoided no longer.  Then I was glad I didn’t get excited, since it looks like James Cameron has remade Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, and about as well.  I am actively not caring about the Darren Aronofsky Robocop remake, delayed until at least 2011 while he craps out a freakin’ ballerina movie, even if it does star Natalie Portman.  But for those of us who still utter, “I ain’t got time to bleed” or “this stuff will…make you a God-damned sexual tyrannosaurus…just like me”; for those of us who still blare “Long Tall Sally” while flying our assault helicopters; the latest news from the new Predator project should chill us to our core.  No, Predators will not be joining Aliens for a special holiday movie about love, family, and the meaning of Christmas.  But close.

Adrien Brody is being cast as “the heroic mercenary who battles alien hunters” in Predators, a Predator “reboot” creatively spearheaded by Robert Rodriguez, whatever the hell that means.  This makes me very, very nervous, since the only Adrien Brody I can think of is The Pianist and King Kong Adrien Brody.  The “Hey, remember how awesome and huge and warrior-y Arnold Schwarzenegger was as Dutch?  Could we get someone completely the opposite of that?” Adrien Brody.  His head-shot in this article gives me a little hope, but I’m still suspicious.  Danny Trejo, a Rodriguez favorite, has also been cast.  I can’t wait to see what sort of snarling, furrowed brow destruction he will wreak on the Predator home world, and I also can’t wait to see in what creative/disgusting manner he’ll be dispatched.  A slew of other folks I’ve never heard have already been cast as well: Alice Braga, Walt Goggins, Oleg Taktarov, Louiz Ozawa, and Mahershalalhashbaz Ali, who has to hold the record for greatest difference in length between first and last names.

I might feel a little better if Rodriguez was directing the movie.  He’s made some fun stuff: El Mariachi, Desperado, The Faculty, From Dusk Till Dawn, Sin City, Planet Terror, etc.  Hokey horror and over-the-top action—Predator was neither—but we could do worse.  However, the film is being directed by a relative newcomer named Nimrod Antal who directed, um, Vacancy, and some Hungarian films.  Nimrod, if there ever was a time to show us what you’ve got, this is it.  If you want to cement a lifelong, rabid fanbase, bet the farm on Predators.  Make it a worthy extension of the franchise, not the damn buddy-cop AVP: Alien vs. Predator, and please god not AVPR: Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem.  Don’t go the McG Terminator Salvation route and turn gold into crap, because I don’t think I can take another slaughter of a sacred cow.  (It took a few years, but I finally convinced myself that Terminator 3: Rise of The Machines was a bad dream and didn’t really happen.)

I’m trying hard not to care about this movie, but I think my poker face is failing.  Just let it be known, Robert and Nimrod, that you’re giving us reason to doubt.  We’re not asking for the perfect movie, but don’t give us trash either.  If you do, there’ll be something out there…waiting for you…and it ain’t no man.

  1. October 8, 2009 9:39 am

    Okay, so I am much more invested in the Terminator verse, than Predator, but Danny Trejo is awesome and I have great hope for Adrien Brody. He may be skinny, but he disappears completely into a character. In any case, I’ll be watching too. Also ready for disappointment. (Although I secretly liked Terminator: Salvation, even though the plot holes could have been portals to other worlds.) Have you seen the ridiculous SyFy network ripoff? Hilarious!

    • Matt Shorr permalink*
      October 9, 2009 10:48 am

      Agreed: as much as I love Predator (even Predator 2 wasn’t too bad), Terminator 1 and 2 and The Sarah Connor Chronicles are my sacred cows. I had my hopes set too high for Terminator Salvation. Like T3, if it just hadn’t been part of the Terminator franchise I could have enjoyed it more. But time heals all wounds, so maybe in a while I can watch T:S and get something out of it. Here’s hoping Rodriguez and Antal can get the most out of the script, Brody, and Topher Grace (?!). Trejo is the only one I trust in this so far.


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