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TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending October 10, 2009)

October 10, 2009

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Gosselin vs. Grace:

How the hell did this become a best-of-seven series?  Why is Nancy Grace, a former prosecutor and present super-annoying talk-show firehose, opining on Jon and Kate Gosselin’s marital woes?  No one has been accused of a crime, unless wearing cubic zirconia counts.  (Perhaps it does.  Check the laws in your state!)  When guessing about the Gosselins’ finances, Grace puts Jon down for having diamond earrings, then professes not to care when he tells her they’re CZs.  Nancy, it does matter.  Diamonds cost a lot of money.  Faux diamonds, on the other hand, come free with a piercing at Claire’s Boutique.  Jonny?  Try wearing some real earrings, like a skull impaled with a lightning bolt or a bloody dagger.  Add a thin, patchy porn-stache, followed by a mullet.  When you rematch Ms. Grace on The Insider, she’ll either punch you, or jump you, or both.

2.  Frances Bean Cobain vs. Ali Lohan:

Two relatives of the uber-famous are duking it via Twitter.  OK, Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love’s daughter seems to be the aggressor here, blasting Lindsay Lohan’s little sis for her “sense of entitlement,” apparently because Lohan put out a holiday music CD cryptically called Lohan Holiday.  I assume a Lohan holiday would involve subpoenas, interventions, rehab, famous DJs, and gallons of rum spiked with droplets of egg nog.  Frances, tons of people put out CDs, and even rightly famous people put out terrible music.  Although in your defense, Ali Lohan’s “Christmas Magic”  is absolutely atrocious.  Ali, judging from your video featuring a sign with the truncated “X-mas,” you obviously hate Christmas.  Why do you hate all that is good and holy?  Why do you hate America?  Simmer down you two, and realize that the only reason anyone is atwitter about your back-and-forth (or maybe just forth) is because you are celebrity kin and thus “entitled” to have your vapid utterances reported.

3. Suri Cruise Gets Sleepy:

Are you serious?  This is somehow newsworthy anywhere?  No, it isn’t, but paparazzi photogs gots to get paid.  These shots were a little too innocuous to fabricate lies about Katie cramming Suri full of Lunesta so she could go buy bondage accoutrement to wear to trampling parties.  So make up a “story” about TomKat’s daughter sacking out after being carried around a store for a few hours.  Just a small point of contention: maybe it’s not the shopping the made Suri all sweepy-pie.  Maybe it’s that she’s a frigging toddler who’s exhausted because her cells are dividing at a rate rivaling the creature in Species so she can grow up to be the daughter of famous people and develop a sense of entitlement.  At least she’s not sitting in the middle of an aisle crossing her arms, alternately holding her breath and screaming at the top of her lungs, which is what I do when I get dragged shopping and I’m in my 30s.

4.  NASA Attacks Moon:

The moon was talkin’ shit, so NASA had to get swole.  Totally worth $79 million.

Thanks, entertainment media, for giving one-degree-of-separation celebs the platform to bash other pseudo-celebs for using their genetic relationship to celebs to try to be celebs!

One Comment
  1. michellefrommadison permalink
    May 22, 2010 3:42 am

    No, Lindsay has to be arrested now because Nancy Grace of CNN said she will be arrested. No facts required by Nancy, never has been the case for her to make false accusations.

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