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I Hate Myself and Want to Die

October 15, 2009

Kids, I am depressed.  I need a fix ’cause I’m going down, let me tell you.  I know this is a departure from my normally happy-go-lucky self, but you don’t know what kind of day this has been.  And since you don’t know, I’m going to tell you, because if I have to be miserable then you all everybody out there in cyberspace ought to be miserable too.

So I started off the day learning of the untimely death of everybody’s favorite TV dad…no, not Bob Saget…not Billy Ray Cyrus…but Captain Lou Albano.  You remember Captain Lou, right?  Some will recall him as Cindy Lauper’s papa in the “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” video, but those of us who are real hard core fans know him better for the Saturday morning cartoon Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n Wrestling.  (Side note: I’d like to make it known here that Rock ‘n Wrestling had the GREATEST. THEME. MUSIC. EVER.  Do not test me on this fact, I will go Rowdy Roddy Piper on you.  I double dog dare you to find a show with a better opener.  Night Court doesn’t count.)  Captain Lou will certainly be missed, especially by those wayward souls who bought in to the rubber-band-facial-piercing craze of the early 80’s.  Here’s to reconstructive plastic surgery, boys!

So how could my day get much worse?  Well, try through the angst of Carly Simon, that’s how!  As Matt brought you earlier today on the Index, Ms. Simon has determined that her complete lack of popularity and her inability to sell records has been caused by the poor management of her latest record label, Starbucks.  Yes, you heard it right.  Here is someone who thought signing a record deal with a coffee shop was a good idea, but then blames the coffee shop when her records don’t sell.  The complete insanity of such a proposition served to let the wind out of my sails even further, as I’m sure you can understand.

As the day goes on, the news gets even more sobering.  This time it’s serious.   Through a series of strange occurrences, I’ve learned that frequent unintentional TBTS contributor Courtney Love has *gasp* deleted her Twitter account.  Yes, the author of such literary gems as  “i love gay but its gay in a gay way i mean you KNOW what i mean” will no longer be gracing us with whatever passes for thoughts knocking around in her skull.  I feel even worse thinking about the Courtney Love Twitter Translator, which is now without words to translate.  I suggest trying out the verbosity of Willem Dafoe, who thinks Twitter is just plain “kinky”.

I had broken glass at my wrists ready to check out when suddenly the internet served me up a heaping mound of life-saving goodness.  My friends, I have found a reason to live again:  Bill Cosby (yes you heard right) has a rap group and is soon to release a new album with said group.  Going by the name of “Cosnerati”, this confection of lyrical masters drop State of Emergency on November 24 and you can listen to a live stream of the album here.  The quality on this project is much higher than Cosby’s previous foray into hip-hop, called the “Pokemon Rap”, and I suspect that there soon could be an all-star hip-hop reunion of Cosby Show cast members.  That, and Tracy Morgan’s latest old-school rap video, will make me happy for a long time.  Crisis averted.

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